No Cookies for the Following People

I just made homemade chocolate-chip butter cookies. Everyone can have one except:

1. John the Electrician. No explanation is necessary.
2. Nobody and Dadguy, who think cats suck. Pfft.
3. My cleaning crew. They cleaned a picture frame thoroughly, but when I attempted to adjust its tilt this afternoon, it fell off the wall, fell directly onto the top of my hand and cut out two huge holes from my skin. I bled for 3 hours. A friend, who is a former paramedic, was able to get it to stop bleeding and bandaged it up for me. He should get his own tray of cookies; he's a great guy. I'm popping Extra-strength Tylenol at the moment.
4. Frankie and Johnny, as well as Jen's cat Travis and Teri's two cats (cats can't have chocolate).
5. ClustrMaps crew. Their counter can't count anymore; it's been down for 3 days. What if someone from my arch-enemy country France tried to visit? WHAT THEN? :)
6. Monsieur Chirac of France, because, well, you know...
7. Snow Patrol, because I can't get the song Chasing Cars out of my head and have sung it for 5 hours straight (it's from Grey's Anatomy).
8. There are others, but I want to go have a chocolate-chip butter cookie now. My hand hurts. Waaa! Sniff.

If you want to sing Chasing Cars with me, click here.

Prince of Electricians

So John the Electrician was supposed to arrive at 7:45 this morning. It was a major sacrifice for me to arise on a Saturday at 7:00--MAJOR--but John the Electrician insisted he needed to show up early because he had a lot of things he wanted to do today.

Well, here it is 10:30, and I am still waiting for him to arrive. I just KNOW he's still sleeping. I KNOW it. Or he's having a late breakfast at McDonald's, reading the morning paper, and maybe later buying a lottery ticket. And then maybe he'll stop off at Home Depot to visit one of his "buds," chat for a while, pick up some paint chips, and then heading out to ComputerWorld to pick up a video game for his kid ... while I wait for him to show up. He might get here by noon, or he might not show up here at all today.

John the Electrician HAS a cell phone with him, but why should he call? He's an electrican. He's a prince among princes. He doesn't HAVE to.

Grrr.

UPDATE: It's 3:37--has anyone seen him? Or HEARD from him?
UPDATE2: It's almost 8:00 p.m. Has anyone seen the prince? Anyone?

Vicarious Shopping

In October 2005, my 87-year-old mother lost her home and all of her worldly possessions in Hurricane Wilma in Florida, and the expense of putting someone's life back together, having her live with me for almost four months, and getting her re-situated in a new home was tremendous. Huge. It took its toll on my financial situation.

So lately when I go shopping I tend to live vicariously through whomever I shop with instead of spending my own money. Today I went shopping with my friend Barbara. Poor thing.
First we went to Aerosoles.

I said, "Barbara, those shoes are so beautiful! Why don't you try them on?" She did, and I thought they looked great.
"Get them! Why don't you get them?"
I don't know if she needed them. It doesn't matter--she needed to buy them.
"Get them! They're not expensive!"
And when we left there, she had bought 3 pairs; two she took with her, one on order.

Then we went to Talbot's. "Look at these sweaters! They're beautiful--and on sale. Buy them!"
She wanted to try them on first, but she liked them and wound up buying a jacket and two new shirts. I was having a great time!

Then we went to Pier 1. And she saw a rug in extremely unusual colors that would work with her decor. But she had no need whatsoever for the rug; her home is completely furnished.
"But look at the price! How can you pass up a deal like that?"
So Barbara had a lot of pressure on her, and almost caved in.
The fact is, she didn't want the rug, but I DID!
Okay, she didn't buy it--but I came "this close."

Vicarious living through others gives one the sense of buying with actually purchasing anything. You just don't clutter up your home with a bunch of unneeded "new things."
I went home greatly satisfied for having "bought" all this stuff, and she went home with honest-to-goodness, great-looking new things to put in her closet. It's a win-win situation!

Ice Cream and Topping...Yummy!

My favorite ice cream combo:

Vanilla or butterscotch ice cream
Drizzled with Smucker's Caramel Topping
Whipped cream on top

Yummy!

What's your favorite ice cream and topping?

This Week's Tortilla Chip Winners

Jen of Casual Slack and I, Zed, are forming Pffftt Brand Inc., manufacturers of snack and organic foods. Each month, Pffftt Brand Inc. will release exciting selections for you to munch on and, in some cases, become ill on. Don't miss a single new release!

Our first venture will actually be two great snacks:

Zed's Haggis Chips (by Jen) Made from real Haggis!
ZedTastic SPAM Frogtillas (by Sans Pantaloons) Made from real frogs!

For those unfamiliar with Haggis, read its definition from Wikipedia HERE: Haggis ... is normally made with ... sheep's 'pluck' (heart, liver, and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally boiled in the animal's stomach for approximately an hour. It somewhat resembles stuffed intestines (pig intestines otherwise known as chitterlings), sausages, and savory puddings of which it is among the largest types.

Does that not sound delicious? Yes. Yes it does.
Now you can have all the Haggis and frogs you want in chip form!

Congratulations to Jen and Sans for their fine, semi-sickening products.

"Choose a Tortilla Chip Flavor" Contest

Here's a new competition for you. Jen of Casual Slack has suggested that we rename Clamato Torilla Chips to Zed's Tortilla Chips.

Help us think of a flavor for this new and exciting product. Suggestions so far:
Pickled Herring Tortilla Chips (Jen)
Whitefish Tortilla Chips (Zed)
Fluff Tortilla Chips (Zed)

What do you think is a good flavor? Share with us in the comments section. Thanks!!

Zed's Haggis Chips (designed by the fabulous Jen), left. Creamed Salmon Tortilla Chips are still in the running.

Go check out Jen's site HERE (CLICK)!

I Should Star in a Commercial!

Google allows bloggers to see what words or phrases have brought visitors to their blogs, and for me, the #1 search phrase is "Clamato Tortilla Chips."

Thanks to me this foul-tasting, horrendous product has become a favorite of men, women, children, animals, insects, fish, and inanimate objects EVERYWHERE, and the makers of amazingly awful Clamato Tortilla Chips, Poore Manufacturing, Inc., can thank me for their increased business that's so hard to believe because their product tastes like clam sawdust and has made dozens, no hundreds, barf.

So what if I hate this stuff? What's your point, Teri? :)

I should star in a commercial: "Don't clam up when it comes to Clamato Tortilla Chips."

I can't understand why Poore Manufacturing hasn't reached out to me yet or sent me some sort of residual. Could it be because I warned a couple of people to have Pepto-Bismol handy when in the presence of Clamato Tortilla Chips? What could it possibly be?

Come and Get Your Shed!

Nobody of My Blog is About Nothing is building a shed as a storage facility, the way most people do. Then I had a great idea. :) Take a look at these:

Goodness, this one looks better than most full-size houses I've been to! You could put a fireplace in there, a bed, a toilet, a sink, and a stove. Just climb in the sink for bathing. It's just like home! Put a few planks down outside, and you've got a terrace! And look at the windowboxes! It's as if you're in Switzerland! If you paint the exterior a nice bright color like red, your resale value could soar. It helps to be on the short side though, just so you know.

Or how about THIS one? Is this cute or what? It's only 6 x 9, so you might have to install a Murphy bed for "little people" and sleep with your knees up around your chin. But, hey, it's so WORTH it. Look at the multi-color shingles on the roof, two sets of windows, and the porch! This one's a keeper!

This one looks a bit more like a garage than the others, but that's okay, because I would park my Scion TC in there along with my personal things. I can run my bed along the right of the car, parallel to it, and on the left I could probably fit a small dresser, lamp, and sink. The toilet will be in the back with the stove. I'm not happy with the exterior color, so I'd probably paint the outside a more vibrant color with white trim. And there's a separate exit for when you choose to walk instead of drive.

Finally, take a look at this. Frankie & Johnny can sit at the window and watch the world go by, and you could probably even fit a couch in the back. I don't know who that woman is outside the shed, but she's not part of the asking price. Nervy broad! Move it! Move it! This one is one of the cheaper models for only $1250.

So you guys just keep paying your high mortgage payments each month if you want, or high rental fees, and I'll just stick with these cute little "houses." I may buy some extras to rent out if you're interested.

Jim and Pam from The Office

I started watching The Office for the first time in re-runs this year, but now I'm totally hooked.

Warning: If you are a masochist, feel free to call me
when it's on in my area. But smart people, well-adjusted,
clear-thinking people will wait for a better time.

Jim and Pam are just too cute for words. Men probably won't necessarily think so, but women love this kind of stuff (was that sexist?).

Click here (or on the image) to see their cuteness.

Only 5 days Left Until It's Over...

I had to get up at 7:30 today--what an ungodly hour!--to get out of the house by 8:30 (another ungodly hour), to go to a brunch in a whole other state by 10:00 a.m. Sooooo . . . here's something to contemplate in my absence:

You have 5 days left to live. Then it's all over--you're gone from Earth. What 5 things would you do before your life ends on ... Wednesday?

WEDNESDAY???

List your answers in the comments section please.

Bravery and Courage

My cat Frankie lived in a cage for the entire first year of her life. But the cage was only 3 ft x 2 ft, and she lived in there with her brother, who is twice her size, and neither of them could stand up or move about.

By the time they were rescued from this situation, both Frankie and Johnny's legs had suffered atrophy to some measure, to the point that Johnny's legs bow pretty badly and Frankie has had trouble with her back legs since I took her in.

Both cats were taken off the streets of New York City at the age of 5 weeks by some guy who kept hundreds and hundreds of cats in his small apartment in cages. I suppose he was trying to do good by them, but two cats living in a 3 x 2 cage is no life for them either.

For the first four years they lived with me, Frankie was terrified. She was afraid of people, and noise, her brother--pretty much anything and everything. If I tried to touch her when I was upright, she ran, even though she knew I was the one who fed her and took care of her.

She was less terrified if I was down on the floor with her. So I spent a lot of time sitting on the floor trying to pet her. She was always extremely cautious with me, and even at night she'd come into bed but stay in the most distant corner of the mattress. If I reached out to pet her, she would flee. If I held my hand an inch from her head to pet her, she would cringe on her haunches in terror, and then take off.

Over time I worked hard to reduce her fear. I kept at it and at it. I would pet her despite her fear, and speak to her softly. Still, if my hand headed in her direction, she would duck her head and cringe. It was really so sad to see.

But one night several weeks ago, I got in bed and immediately went to sleep. I woke up 1/2 hour later and realized that Frankie was no longer at the furthest end of the mattress, but up by my knees. I smiled to myself and went back to sleep, quite pleased with her bravery. I awoke again about an hour later, and I found her leaning against my hip. I spoke softly to her, and went back to sleep, very pleased with her progress.

The following morning, I woke up to find her facing me in the crook of my arm, inches away from my face. We looked into each others' eyes, and I smiled. I was so afraid that if I moved, she would jump out of bed and run away.

But she didn't run away. Instead, she moved her head toward me... and touched her nose to my nose.

Frankie has come a very long way on a difficult journey. I'm so proud of her bravery and courage.

My Pre-Christmas Shopping List

Apparently you CAN make me post. :)

My Pre-Christmas Shopping List
(An Aid to Deciding Now What You're Buying Me for Christmas)

Money is always a good way to go when giving presents to those you love--me for example. You can NEVER go wrong with giving me a lot of money.

Coca-Cola Classic. Yum! Buy me a can or a case--either is fine.

Clamato Tortilla Chips. As most of you know, I love to offer them to the unsuspecting. They LOOK good--just like regular tortilla chips. But when you take a BITE or two, you learn quickly they are NOT for the faint of heart. They taste like clams. And aren't tortilla chips supposed to taste like clams?? Oooh my.

A day at a spa, preferably in Colorado. You'll have me flown to Telluride, where I'll eat seaweed for 3 days, do a lot of exercise, and lose 15 pounds. All spa workers must be handsome males--and willing to sneak out of the spa at night to get a few slices of pizza.

Cookies are good. A jar of marshmallow Fluff. A pair of socks with cats on them. DOTS.
Or... a macrame toilet-paper dispenser!

Rebellion

I'm not posting today
and you can't make me.

So there. Pfft.

It's Russian Day in The World According to Zed!

Welcome, comrades, to
Russian (Federation) Day!!
a service brought to you free of charge by The World of Zed

I'm bringing 1 map of Russia
2 gallons of borscht (cold beet soup)

2 black bears
Nikita Khrushchev and his desk-banging shoe
5 bottles of Siberian Ginseng capsules (100 quantity)
Buckwheat kasha
AND Clamato tortilla chips--you KNOW you like 'em!!

_________________________

What are YOU bringing? In the comments section, list one or two items of food, drinks, books, songs, people dead or alive, etc., that you plan on contributing to this all-day all-night party to help make it rock.

And don't forget to think Russian Federation, people.
It's a RUSSIAN (Federation) DAY PARTY for crying out loud!!

More About Belly Buttons Than You Ever Wanted to Know

A word verification I got today to post to someone's site was:

outie

Look, I'm not going to argue with word verification, but the fact is, my belly button's an innie, thankyouverymuch.

Speaking of belly buttons, here's the latest belly-button craze. Buy one or two. Buy one for your husband or wife and one for you. I dare you. (Yes, that's a picture of Mr. Fab's extremely flat and beautiful stomach by the way, in case you were wondering.)

NOW ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
Have you ever seen such desperation for a blog post?

Choose A, B, C, or D from the list below. Please stick to the list. No personally written responses will be accepted. We are not interested. :)

A. Yes.
B. No. We have never noticed any sort of desperation in your posting and think you are beyond fabulous you wonderful thing you.
C. It's amazing how desperate you've become.
D. Pfft. Or Phht.

That's all I've got. IKEA wore me out yesterday.

IKEA Envy

I hate when people envy what I do. I just don't like to cause that sort of raw emotion in anyone. But today?? So be it. Because I am heading to IKEA to check out all of the low-priced yet cool-looking garbage--chochkas--they've got on sale. I'm going, you're not.


I KNOW you wish you were me, but that's just not possible.

Try to muddle your way through your boring existence today while I'm at one of the coolest stores in the world. I'll bring you all a Swedish meatball from their restaurant, if you'd like.

I just bet they don't have IKEA in Rhode Island.

Lime Jello Marshmallow Cottage Cheese Surprise

Someone suggested I make this nifty disgusting-ish dessert for the next party I attend. I don't think she likes me. :)
In the same vein, I'm including the entire ingredients list below because I know you're going to want to make this barf-lookalike for yourselves. No need to send the usual $49.95 for a recipe I post. This one's on the house. Because I care.

Lime Jello Marshmallow Cottage Cheese Surprise
1 package (3 oz size) lime-flavored gelatin; 1 cup boiling water; 1 can (20 oz size) crushed pineapple, undrained; 1 cup cottage cheese; 1/2 cup whipped cream or Cool Whip; 1 jar (6 oz size) maraschino cherries, drained; 1/4 cup chopped pecans, optional; 1 cup miniature marshmallows

INSTRUCTIONS:
Go grab yourself a slice of pizza instead.

Wednesday Is RUSSIAN DAY

Just a heads-up: This Wednesday is RUSSIAN DAY at The World According to Zed.

I'm giving you a few days to plan what you're bringing, 'cause even though the United States was in a cold war with the USSR for about 45 years, we don't know much about their culture.

So plan ahead what food, drink, people (living and dead), animals, maps, artifacts, jokes, songs, etc. you want to bring.

I've got Khrushchev covered, go get your own shoe-pounding Russian tyrant.

The Speaker of Extremely Frequent Extraneous Information (SEFEI)

The Speaker of Extremely Frequent Extraneous Information (SEFEI) (also known as The Person Who Can't Get to the Point) has always been prone to speaking a tad too much. But now she seems to have decided that she prefers misdirected, unfocused chatter. We recently had a chat and this is how it went. Comments in italic are MINE.

Me: So, how are you?
SEFEI: Good, good. I spoke to my Aunt Josie last week. You know her, you met her at the wedding--or was it at the shower? You know, I can't remember . . . She's my father's sister. Well not really, they just call her that. Let's see, how can I explain this? My father's mother, my grandmother, was best friends with Josie and when my grandmother married my grandfather, who came from--now where was it? (ZZZZZZZZZ.) Did he come from Bavaria or Poland? You know I don't remember. In fact, maybe it was a city in Switzerland called, called ... Bernard?
Me: Do you mean Berne?
SEFEI: Yes, yes, Berne. Look how you always know these things! (I'm brilliant!) Yes, Berne. Now why did I bring this up?
Me: I don't really know ... Your grandfather came from there?
SEFEI: Right! That's it! Okay, so why did I bring that up?
Me:Your grandfather married your grandmother in Berne?
SEFEI: Yes. That's right. Look at you! (Yes, I'm quite clever.)
Me: Okay, thanks, but what's the point of this story? Please hurry, I need to get back to work...
SEFEI: Okay, okay, don't rush me, I want to tell you this. So, yes they married and my Aunt Josie, who really isn't my aunt at all had a son at the time. What was HIS name? Hmmm, what was it?
Me: John? (I'll play along!)
SEFEI: No.
Me: Brian? Tom? Greg? Paul? Gary? Wil? Craig? Jack?
SEFEI: No.
Me: Tony? Corey? Jason? Mark? (I've got names I didn't even know I had.)
SEFEI: No, no, no! It was something like Josie. It sounded like that. Joe? No. Joseph? No.You know, I can't remember his name.
Me: It doesn't matter, SEFEI! What's the point of this story? Please get to the point.
SEFEI: I don't remember what I was trying to tell you.
Me: That you spoke to your Aunt Josie last week. WHAT DID SHE SAY?
SEFEI: But I was going to tell you something else. Something ABOUT her.
Me: Well?
SEFEI: I remember now! She called to say that her second cousin, who's married to a plumber in Brooklyn, right near the Brooklyn Bridge--what's that area called again?
Me: Brooklyn Heights?
SEFEI: Yes, that's it. Look how you know! (Yes, I'm so amazing!) And you know what good money plumbers make in this state. Well, her cousin called to say that her daughter--whose name is Megan, I think--is having a baby in January even though she had problems with having her first one. (Silence.) Isn't that wonderful, Zed? I'm so thrilled for her. (ZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry, were you saying something?)
Me: Sure that's great. Really, good. But I don't know any of these people. I don't know your aunt, or her son or her cousin or her cousin's daughter Mia...
SEFEI: Megan. I just TOLD you it was Megan. I KNOW you don't know them. I just wanted to tell you. I thought it was so great. (My nerves.)

It is very much to her benefit that a telephone and thousands of lines of cable stand between us. Honestly. And yes, this is the same woman who took an hour and a half to order lunch (Click here).

I'm a saint I tell you--a saint!

It's Either Blogger Beta or Acid Rain. You Choose.

Well, Dick Small, Scarlet, Teri, and others are missing today, eaten up perhaps by Blogger Beta, or the acid rain. Perhaps it was the lemurs.

Yes, that's a picture of Celine Dion below. Get over it. Be a grown-up about it, and click on her picture to feel my pain. Or click here. Don't make a big deal about where to click. JUST CLICK. (What a baby you are!)

Or if watching Celine is too much for you, watch WonderRobbie belt it out. Click here or the image below.

For Mr. Fab, Who Loves Lemurs

Enjoy, Mr. Fab.












They're so cute!!
Look, a scaredy-cat blue-eyed one.






And a redhead.









Love a lemur today.

Here's the Culprit

The man responsible for chills, fever and general malaise in much of the population, including Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman, and myself:

It's not right. It's just NOT RIGHT. (Love the gold lame pants though. LOL)

Where'd She Go?

I won't be around much today due to chills, fever, and general malaise. I love the word "malaise"--but I digress.

Jen of Casual Slack sent her illness over to me just because I said Rhode Island is only 5 miles wide, when in reality it's really 9 miles wide--picky, picky. You'd think she was running for governor. Well, it's either that orI was poisoned by Hugh Jackman or the emu was bad at the AUSTRALIAN DAY PARTY.

Before I go, I want to pass on this video I found on YouTube quite accidentally yesterday. Enjoy! Click here OR on the picture:

When you're gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone
Though I try how can I carry on?

Those are your exact sentiments about my absence, right? ... Right????

I'll be back full time on Friday, all peppy and stuff. :)

Welcome to Australian Day!!

a service brought to you free of charge by The World of Zed

Hey, mates, what are you bringing to keep this party hopping?

I'll supply the following for the Australian Day party:

A four-color map of the beautiful country of Australia
400 wallabies
4000 kangaroos
200 bush tuckers (whatever they are)

Clamato tortilla chips--you KNOW you like 'em you Aussies you!!

Fact: Australia is the sixth largest country in the world. It's approximately the same size as the 48 contiguous states of the US and is 50 percent larger than Europe, but has the lowest population density in the world--only two people per square kilometre. (I'm pretty sure the state of New Jersey has more people than that per square inch.)

_________________________

In the comments section of this blog, list one or two items of food, drinks, books, songs, people dead or alive, etc., that you plan on contributing to this party to make it rock.

And don't forget to think AUSTRALIA, people.
It's an AUSTRALIAN DAY PARTY for crying out loud!!

Crikey!

Just a brief reminder... tomorrow is Australian Day in The World According to Zed.

Don't forget to get your food platters, costumes, and animals ready for a fun day! I'm bringing wallabees for sure!

Next week: Russian Day

The Wonders of New Jersey (for Teri)

What a great state New Jersey is! It's bigger than Rhode Island (but then, isn't everything bigger than Rhode Island?), but smaller than most other states--yet it is the most densely populated state in the country. People, people, people. You can't get away from them no matter how hard you try in New Jersey. People here, people there, here people, there people, everywhere people people. And lots and lots of cars and traffic jams. And more people.

Some information, good and sad, about New Jersey:
The state bird is the Eastern Goldfinch, but if you ask New Jerseyites if they've ever seen one, they all say "No, what's that?" On the surface this doesn't appear to be a good sign, but they know about OTHER birds: seagulls, pigeons, sparrows and finches, Canada geese, haws, eagles--and maybe a bit about vultures. To pick up the many dead bodies Tony Soprano and his friends leave around the state. Just kidding Tony. Haha! Tony?

The flag is very colorful, with two women on it: one has a lit lamp, and the other is holding who knows what? I can't make it out. A washboard? And it has a horse on it and leaves. It's their flag and they can have what they want on it. Go here http//www.flagline.com/id01BA30 if you want to buy one. But think it over. It's not the prettiest flag I've ever seen.

New Jersey's nickname is the Garden State, yet most would be surprised to hear there are gardens in the state. Well, wake up people; there are. And farms! With horse and chickens and cows. JERSEY COWS--GET IT??

Oooh, look, a cow!New Jersey has something for everyone!
Atlantic City: I was ripped off by Caesar's Casino last month when they charged me $10.75 to get my own money from my Visa card to gamble at their casino and I had to be fingerprinted before they'd hand the money over to me. I wrote and complained, but it didn't help. Other casinos in OTHER states would be weak kneed and lame, and would have given in to my whining--and they might even have send me a coupon for a free overnight stay in one of their hotels--perhaps in the PENTHOUSE. Oh, no, not the NEW JERSEY Caesar's. They sent a form letter and told me to move on. Hrrumph!

The Lincoln Tunnel: Three big holes (or is it four now?) in the ground that pass under the Hudson River to connect New Jersey with New York. Most people hold their breath as they travel under the river--and pray... a lot. The tunnels are so OLD that you sort of hope you make it to the other side alive no matter which direction you're traveling in.
The George Washington Bridge: Connects New York City with New Jersey, and vice versa. :) The bridge is big and silver. And it costs a lot to cross it. That's all I know about it.
Palisades Amusement Park: Dick Clark used to hold shows there starring Fabian, Bobby Darin, Dionne Warwick, and other stars from the 1960 and 1970s. The park was dismantled many years ago, but the roller coaster there was the best of its time.
Sports teams: the New Jersey Devils, the New Jersey Nets, the New Jersey Yankees, and the New Jersey Giants. Those last two might not be right.
Southwestern New Jersey connects to Philadelphia, where I saw LiveAid many years ago, but that's a whole other story... And there are farms--have I mentioned the farms!?
The Newark Airport-Elizabeth-New Jersey Turnpike Exit 14-15 area is NOT representative of New Jersey. It is ugly there. It holds oil storage tanks, garbage dumps, and filth everywhere. But close your eyes as you drive away from Newark Airport (but not if you're the driver) and I guarantee you that in 10-20 minutes north, west, or south you'll see the real state--the handsome, well-manicured New Jersey, with mansions, Tudor and Dutch Colonial homes, rolling hills, high rises, luxury. It's a beautiful state--please believe me. Puleeesssseee believe me!!
The Jersey Shore: New Jerseyites call the beach "the shore." Why? Because they feel like it. Prepare yourselves though: This is not the Riviera. It's not even Myrtle Beach or Fort Lauderdale. It has carnival-type games on the boardwalk and lots of people in bikinis who should never even THINK about wearing a bikini. But the boardwalk rocks! The smell of pizza, hot dogs, candy cane, fried fish, and other delicacies is awesome. Sometimes it smells like dead fish, but most of the time it's not too bad.

Think of all the famous people who come from, or who have made a mark in, Jersey. These are just a few: Giovanni da Verrazano-you know, the Verrazano Bridge? If it was good enough for him ...; George Washington (the man who slept all over the state); Frank Sinatra; Jon Bon Jovi; Meryl Streep; Ray Liotta; Kevin Spacey; Al Piscopo; Jack Nicholson; Tony Soprano from The Sopranos; Brooke Shields; Bruce Springsteen (the Boss); Jimmy Hoffa (I think he's buried in Jersey); and of course Zed. I was born there.

So don't let me hear any foolish talk or snicking about NJ. It's bigger than Rhode Island (but what state isn't?), it's got beaches and oceans white with foam, it has mountains, valleys, and streams and fields. And our friend Teri lives there. A New Jersey treasure.

Next time I hear bad talk about New Jersey, I'm sending Tony Soprano and my cousin Rocky over to your house. Deal with THEM.

Mr. and Mrs. Piggy's Great Love Story

Click here for the heart-warming tale of "The Happy Little Pigs." You will never be the same.

(I stole this video from Shirley the Great (shirleythegreat.blogspot.com), who got it from YouTube. If Shirley gets mad about my theft, there could be a good rumble here by this evening. Check back to see it, and bring assorted snacks just in case the match is on.)

In Remembrance of 9/11

My apartment badly vibrated when the first tower fell on 9/11. And I heard a noise equivalent to the distant roar of a train: grrrrrrrrrrgrrrrrrrr. The sound and vibration didn't last very long, perhaps 15 seconds, but they were powerful. I live several miles upriver. What could it have been like in downtown Manhattan? Here are the voices of some who were there:

Jody Bell -- E.M.T. (E.M.S.) ... You start to hear this rumble. You hear this rumble. Everything is shaking. Now I'm like, what the hell could that be. I'm thinking we're going to get bombed. This is an air raid. You hear this thunder, this rumbling. Then you see the building start to come down. Everybody's like, "Run for your lives! The building is coming down!"
Nicholas Borrillo -- Firefighter (F.D.N.Y.) On the 23rd floor of North Tower: Then we heard a rumble. We heard it and we felt the whole building shake. It was like being on a train, being in an earthquake. A train is more like it, because with the train you hear the rumbling, and it kind of like moved you around in the hall. Then it just stopped after eight or ten seconds, about the time it took for the building to come down.
Timothy Julian -- Firefighter (F.D.N.Y.) [Ladder 118] . . . it sounded like a freight train, rumbling and picking up speed, and I remember I looked up, and I saw it coming down . . . It was the loudest rumbling I ever heard. The ground shook, and I got thrown down, and I remember it just got black, and I got knocked down. I remember geing buried.

The force of the South Tower's collapse had created a vibration along the riverbed that was literally equivalent to the strength of a small earthquake, measurable by Lamont-Doherty Earthquake Observatory of Columbia University.

Rushing to a window, I saw that all of the birds in the park below had flown upward and out of the trees. There were hundreds of them. Then all went quiet again and the birds slowly returned to their perches. The entire episode repeated itself at 10:28 when the second tower fell.

After several hours a triage unit was constructed in the park below, and an endless stream of ambulances arrived from states as far away as Massachusetts, Ohio, Delaware, Vermont, New Hampshire and Pennsylvania, parking themselves on the grass in a large circle of emergency equipment.

I went to the park to see if I could help in some way. Doctors and medical personnel were there and stayed all night and the next day, waiting. A small crowd of the locals formed to watch and wait for the injured to arrive as well.

But no one ever arrived. Downtown city hospitals were able to handle the mobile injured and the less mobile. Their numbers were very small in comparison to what was expected. The rest? They were gone. Gone were 2,819 lives with the senseless destruction and collapse of the towers of the World Trade Center. Such a waste of human life. Such a needless act.

Today I remember and honor those who died on September 11, 2001. I will not forget those lost. Every single plane that flies just a little too low, every single vibration felt in this building, reminds me of them all.

A Final Word to France. Really. I Promise.

One final word about my breakup with the country of France.

France, yes, you France the NATION, look at the ClustrMap again. Someone from Iceland posted a few days ago. ICELAND!!! It's at the Arctic Circle for cryin' out loud.

No one even lives in lceland except polar bears, penguins, a few moose (mooses?), and an ice-resistant fish or two. Once in a while a lonely ghost ship passes by, but THAT'S IT. And there certainly can't be an Internet connection in Iceland. For who, the dead? But someone posted from Iceland and OVERCAME all obstacles to get to The World According to Zed. Can you imagine what they had to do to reach me? That, oh pathetic nation of France, is what love is all about.

Please don't ever speak to me again France, and don't even think about enticing Jen or my sister Teri or Mr. Fab away by offering them free French toast for life or a year's supply of creme de brulee. Try to have some dignity. They'll never fall for that...

Work, Work, Work

So for most of this weekend I'll be editing a new book about Javascript.

Well, part of the time I'll be editing a new book about Javascript; the rest of the time I can be found slumped over and sleeping on this book, because the topic is just downright b-o-r-i-n-g.

If I don't make it back here by tomorrow, assume I'm dead from having to read such boring material, and notify the authorities and perhaps my family. Nah, never mind, don't even bother. Just let me enjoy the permanent slumber in front of my computer.

I have to get off: the very under-worked and overpaid cleaning crew are about to arrive and I need to go clean before they get here.

Have a great day everyone! Perhaps I'll see you later at Doctor Mom's Cul-de-Sac BBQ. I wrote the guest post for her--go check it out!

France, You've Let Me Down...

France, I'm writing to let you know that we are through. Even the kingdom of Spain (Hey, is Spain a kingdom or is it just a plain old country? I'm not sure), even SPAIN has little red dots showing up on my ClustrMap (right-hand column--see the map with the red dots?) after all this time.

Oh, sure, you might have to find the word "Navigate" on the ClustrMap and then choose "Map in small clusters" to see the dots representing Spain, but they're THERE France, they EXIST. Where are YOUR dots? Huh? Huh? Where are they? And it's not like you haven't been warned. (see my August 12 post to you).

For lots of years everyone said to me, "Oh the French, they're such difficult people. They can be downright cruel and inhospitable to tourists." But I always defended you, saying, "Oh no, the French, once they accept you, they embrace you and welcome you into their culture. Blah, blah, blah." Well, I don't feel the embrace France. Where is the "embrace"??

The fact is, you can KEEP your delicious, thin, buttery crepes or your scrumptious Boeuf Bourgignon with small, perfectly cooked carrots on the side. I don't need your tasty dry red Cabernet Sauvignon or luscious Pinot Noir. I don't need to see the Louvre again, or the Seine, or the city of Paris for that matter. Nor do I need to visit Mont St. Michel--the most beautiful abbey in the whole world--one last time, or what's the name of that place again with the bumpy hills that look like the surface of the Moon in the middle of nowhere? I forget. Who cares? I'm not going there ever again either.

I don't care how many times your tourism office sends me brochures trying to lure me back to your country. We're through. It was fun while it lasted France, but it's over. . . Nice knowing ya.

Five Words Meme

Another meme, this time from Mr. Fab!! Here are five words. I am supposed to write down the first thing that comes to my mind when I see that word. Then I am supposed to pick five different words and tag five of you. All these "supposed tos" ... so many controlling people on the Internet. LOL. Hey, thanks Mr. Fab!

Crankshaft--My Uncle Joe, who owned a garage, used to talk about crankshafts, brakes, and engine blocks at Christmas dinner. But I think more than anything, the word crankshaft reminds me a whole lot less about cars and more about "cranks aft", meaning that cranky, annoying people should be put "aft"--like out of my face.

Fester--The word makes me think of a "festering boil"--some big, huge, messy, disgusting raised-skin thing that no one should ever be plagued with. I've never see one up close and personal, but my Uncle Louie claimed he got one on his butt when he and my aunt drove cross country. One night he told my aunt she had to take a big book and whack him on the butt to destroy and break the festering boil. So she whacked him on the butt with the book, and the boil was destroyed, but he refused to speak to her for the rest of rest of the trip, from Kansas to LA, complaining about the strength with which she hit him. LOL Kaboom!

Amputee--I see missing arms and legs. But not on people. On insects. In grammar school (many moons ago), some of the mean boys used to capture flys and amputate their legs and wings. I grew up in a VERY rough neighborhood. On any given day, I saw 12-15 insect amputees in English class alone.

Suction--Among other things, when I think of "suction" I think of those things one puts on the inside of the bathtub enclosure which hold the bottles and jars we all collect in our bathrooms. I have three of them in the shower with everything from body conditioners, bubble bath, shampoos, hair conditioners, soap, exfoliators, shavers, "shine" products, volumizers, and so on. I can barely move in there-there's no room for me with all that garbage.

Decomposition--Contrary to popular opinion, I am NOT decomposing yet. Well, maybe a little--is that why you brought this up??? LOL Decomposition makes me think of beginnings and endings, starts and stops, growth and destruction. Thanks for bringing me down Mr. Fab. :)

Okay, my set of words: diet(s) fluctuation giggle gravity hangnail

and I'm tagging: Sushiboy Teri Jen Nobody Dick Small

In fact, ANYONE who wants to do this meme, give it a go! If you don't have a blog, feel free to post your answers here in the comments section.

The 40 Questions Email

I've been tagged by Jen of Casual Slack for the following meme. When Jen speaks, I listen. She's quite the task master...

1. Do you still have tonsils? Yes. And they shall remain in place until I die. 2. Would you bungee jump? No. Stupid I'm not. 3. If you could do anything in the world for a living what would it be? Run my very own morning talk show. 4. How many tattoos do you have? Zippo. Way too permanent a move. I'm fickle. 5. Your favorite fictional animal? I'll get back to you on this... 6. One person that never fails to make you laugh? Me! I crack myself up regularly. 7. Do you consider yourself well organized? You've got to be kidding. 8. Any addictions? Blogging; my computer; Coca-Cola (regular) 9. From what news source do you receive the bulk of your news? CNN.com or MSNBC.com 10. Would you rather go to a carnival or circus? Neither. 11. When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up? An Oscar-winning movie star--I even prepared my speech. It's still ready for use if someone would just give me my stupid Oscar. 12. Best movie you've seen this year? Akeelah and The Bee (I'm pathetic, oh yes, I know). Oh! And The Devil Wears Prada 13. Favourite alcoholic drink? Non-alcoholic beer. I don't drink--it makes me physically ill. 14. What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Feed the cats, thenhead to the computer. 15. Siblings? None; my sister and only sibling died in August 2004. 16. What is the best thing about your job? I don't have to answer to anyone but me because I work for myself. 17. Have you ever gone to therapy? No. But what a good idea. 18. If you could have one super power what would it be? The power to restore good health to everyone who is ill. 19. Do you own any furniture from Ikea? Yep, a kitchen cart, a computer cart, and a bookcase. 20. Have you ever gone camping? Once, and never again. After the first day I moved to a first-class hotel. haha! 21. Gas prices! First thought? Europeans have been paying about $5 to $7 for gas for years. We've been very fortunate in the US to keep the prices down for so long. 22. Your favorite cartoon character? Snoopy 23. What was your first car? Used, old Volkswagen Beetle (light blue) 24. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? Doesn't work for me, but I suppose it's good for normal folks. 25. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons? D'oh! Neither. Everybody Loves Raymond. 26. Do you go to church? yes 27. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? Steve Carrell. If he's busy, then my doctor. He's very cool. 28. What errand/chore do you despise? I hate all errands and chores. Life should be free of these frivolous things. :) 29. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? Do I HAVE to get up? 30. Last time you puked from drinking? When I was a teenager. Then I grew up and decided I didn't like the concept of bed spin any longer. 31. What is your heritage? Italian-French-German 32. Favorite flower? Tulips 33. Disney or Warner Bros? Warner 34. What is your best childhood memory? Visiting the guy who worked in a factory and who pulled the 12:00 whistle that was heard for miles and miles around. And he let my sister and I pull the chords once in a while. It was so empowering. :) 35. Your favorite potato chip? Fritos 36. What is your favorite candy? Caramello bars (but I almost never eat candy--I prefer salty things, like pretzels) 37. Do you burn or tan? Burn baby burn 38. Astrological sign? Sagittarius 39. Do you own a gun? Does a watergun count? I live in a massive well-protected building with a zillion security guards. Yes, yes, it sounds like a prison, but it's a high-rise. (A high-rise prison. haHa!) Just kidding about the "prison thing." 40. What do you think of hot dogs? Horrible and disgusting, but if you have to have one, try Thumann's All Beef. They are as close to "scrumptious" as hot dogs can get.

I'm tagging anyone who wants to do this. Either put your answers in my comments section or on your own blog. Just copy the list above and plug in your own answers. Try it!

Welcome to Italian Day!!
I'll supply the following for the Italian Day Party:
3 large trays of homemade manicotti and meatballs
3 large antipasto trays
A pot of sundried tomatos in olive oil with Italian bread on the side
The remains of Michelangelo
And spumoni!

That's Amore!
When the moon hits your eye like a big-a pizza pie, that's amore
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine, that's amore

Bells'll ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing "Vita bella"
Hearts'll play, tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay, like a gay tarantella

When the stars make you drool, joost-a like pasta fazool, that's amore
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet, you're in love
When you walk in a dream, but you know you're not dreamin', signore
'Scusami, but you see back in old Napoli, that's amore!

In the comments section, list several items
(food, drinks, books, songs, people dead or alive, and so on)
you're bringing to help make this party a success!
The more the merrier. It's an ITALIAN DAY PARTY for crying out loud!!

(Coming soon: Australian Day. )

Five Strange Folks

1. Mr. Hood. My sister and I were latch-key kids, and only 7 and 9 when Mr. Hood, who lived in our building, asked us if we wanted to see the two chihuahuas and six canaries he had in his apartment on a day both of my parents were at work. Once we were in his place, it was quite clear to us (even at that young age) that he was waiting to make his move on us. There was something about the way he stood and the way he gazed at us--and manner in which he spoke to us...

Both my sister and I knew we had to get out of his place immediately and we kept poking and pinching each other to express our fear. When he stepped out of the room to get us a snack of milk and cookies, we ran out the front door, screaming until we got home to our apartment

Absolute fact: He was arrested for child molestation about four years later. Big surprise.

2. Megan. Megan was the dullest person I’ve ever met, with a totally “flat” personality. She didn't react to anything and didn’t appear to have much joy or excitement in her life, even though many good things came her way. When she was voted prom queen, when she won a $7,000 diamond bracelet from Cartier in a contest, and when she became valedictorian, she seemed bored by it all.

In Paris, France, six years after my last sighting of Megan, I turned a corner near the Champs d’Elysee and literally bumped head-on into her. I thought that was the most incredible coincidence ever. We were both thousands of miles from home but bumped into each other on a Paris street. I began to carry on: "Megan! How are you!? Can you believe this! Isn't this incredible?! ..."

And she responded in all possible dullness, "Oh. Yea, strange, huh? Okay, then. Bye," before turning and walking away.

Grrrr.

3. Marge--Marge knew nothing about technology, but as my boss she’d come to my office approximately 15 to 30 minutes before every technology meeting and pick my brain about technology procedures and projects.

At the meeting she would not let me speak—she’d actually cut me off to prevent me from speaking—even though I had been hired as the technology expert. She would quote me word for word, citing my thoughts/ideas/suggestions.

But she would always reveal her ignorance by saying dumb things like: “We will provide a demo (she pronounced it ‘deeee-mo’).” OR she’d refer to a computer case as “the external.” And for a while she got into speaking about projects being RIP'ed. One day a visitor said, “Well what exactly IS the RIP process?” and she floundered like Sigourney Weaver in Working Girl, because she didn’t have clue what it was. When she turned to me to explain it, I said “I don’t know. I’ve always heard YOU speak of it.” Zing!

Marge got fired a year later, and we all rejoiced.

4. Mrs. Calderone--When I was 5, I went to her apartment on invite, and her dog bit my hand pretty severely when I reached out to pet it. Mrs. Calderone yelled at me for petting the dog as it was eating, and she sent me home without so much as an apology or an attempt to clean or bind the wound.

Creep!

5. Percy. She was a friend of my sister’s who was an oncology nurse, and the two traveled to Africa together for a month just before Percy had lost her husband unexpectedly to a heart attack. When that happened, my sister reached out to her and gave her time and comfort in trying to help her through it.

When my sister was told she was terminally ill, she called to ask Percy for help in understanding the process of death, what she could expect, but Percy chose not to help and in fact disappeared. She didn’t return phone calls or cards and didn't visit Carole at home on her death bed. My sister was terribly hurt--and I was simply enraged.

At one point, I went to a public meeting where I knew Percy would be and took her aside to say “Look if you don’t want to see Carole to help HER, do it for yourself. You’ll hate yourself for not even saying goodbye to her. Please call her, I’m begging you.” She promised me she’d call Carole, she promised me she’d go see her and answer her questions. But Percy didn’t call and Percy didn’t write, and Percy didn’t stop by. Carole died in August 2004, and to this day, two years later, I’ve never heard from Percy again.

I don't get it.

That’s my short list of strange people. Do any of these folks remind you of strange people in your life? (I'm hoping not.)

I Won This Week's Regular Cul-de-Sac Guest Poster Contest

In an extremely close race (24-21), I secured first place in this week's Regular Cul-de-Sac Guest Poster contest. My prize is to write a guest post for You've Got 2 B Kidding (Doctor Mom's blog).

Money would have been better but ... :)







Here's a graph of the battle. Did I mention I won??

Go check out Doctor Mom's site. It's a fun place to be:
http://youvegot2bkidding.blogspot.com/

Carnival Ride from Hell

Oh my oh my oh my. Friends like this you don't need.
Works best in Internet Explorer.

For the squeamish: You can handle it. Watch it, or else. Yours truly, Queen of Squeamishland. :)


Click here to see it!

Is Anybody Home?

I live in this huge high-rise monstrosity I like to call The Fortress and I think I'm in here alone this weekend.

I need to get a job out by Tuesday, and as I sat working here yesterday I suddenly realized I was in total silence. So I went out in the hallway and looked up and down the corridors. No one. I went to the trash room. Totally clean and empty. Nothing. I went to the workout room--it was dark. The lobby is empty, the parking garage is empty, and I don't hear a sound--not one TV; not a bit of canned laughter. I don't even smell the odor of other people's cooking. (By the way, mine is an "aroma"--theirs is an "odor.") I think the place is empty. Spooky.
I could rollerskate naked in the hallway with foam pink rollers in my hair, and no one would care. I could sing "Glory, Glory Hallellujah" offkey from the terrace as I wear my cat pajamas with the heels, and no one would care (except maybe Julia W. Howe).

Julia W. Howe, author of Battle Hymn of the Republic(Glory, Glory Hallellujah!)

I could put on every single light in my apartment (including the microwave oven light) so the place glowed like a giant star in the sky, and no one would care! But tell me the truth. There are people still out there right? Someone's still around? I'm not alone on the planet, am I? Has the Rapture come and I've been left behind? Hello? Hello? Anyone?

Tap if you can hear me.

I Would Be Remiss If I Did Not Give Thanks to ...

Oh, sure, it's 12:30 a.m., and I know you are all sleeping, or reading, or blogging, or doing unmentionable things--but I was in first place on BlogMad tonight after only having joined the service two days ago, and I need to give thanks where it's due.


(Taking folded paper out of pants pocket. )

I want to thank my mother, my father, my girl cat Frankie and her brother Johnny. And I don't want to forget my second-grade teacher, Mrs. DeStefano, who encouraged me to put my thoughts on paper and to stop hitting Richie Murphy with my lined notebook.

Thanks also to my cousin Rocky for providing continuing "protection" (ahem) free of charge, my interior designer for pulling together my living room/dining room areas in the Benjamin Moore shade of Colorado Grey, and my dentist Dr. Aversa for his continued patience with my gagging during dental X-rays and cleanings.

I think I hear the music starting-- They want me to get off. But thank you again. I will try to live up to this honor.

Tears. Wave. Kisses thrown. Exit.

Word Clouds for the Masses

What you see above are word clouds. A company called SnapShirts.com will search your blog for frequently found words and will extract them to create a personal word cloud. If you want to add some terms of your own, or edit the list that the server found, you can.

http://www.snapshirts.com/

Click on the "custom" button to begin creating your cloud. Even though it says $18 when you click on the custom button, the word cloud is free to bloggers. You need to submit your email and it will be sent to you. Or you can do a "save image as" with a mouse right-click above the image, and save it to your computer.

The first word cloud above is for my blog, The World According to Zed; the second is for Jen's Casual Slack, even though she's frequently mean to me. Since it's 1:30 am and I need to get to sleep--and I can't do one for every single lazy blogger in the universe such as yourself--you're just going to have to go create your own stupid word cloud. :)

Try it. You'll like it.