Monday, July 30, 2007

Dell Isn't Well

My computer's giving me a hard time, been crashing all day long, saw a blue screen or two, but was able to recover. I just hope it makes it through the night. :)

If you don't see me here for a few days, Dell and I are in the emergency room. Flowers are welcome.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Words to Kill By, One More Time

At this moment in time
Tell me the truth: Are you trying to say "NOW"? Then how about this? Just say "now." You automatically eliminate the use of 4 unnecessarily spoken words, which is always a good thing in your case.

From the get go
What the heck is the get go? YOU go get go. I'll stay here. Go now, go.

Chill out
I can understand the use of this phrase in the summertime, when I'm warm and sweaty and need to "chill out." But why would you say chill out in the winter when I'm normally already chilled. How about you just mind your own business as far as how warm or cold I am?

Wake up call
The only wakeup call I'm interested in is the one coming from the hotel desk when I'm away from home and need to get to a meeting on time. Otherwise, I prefer to sleep in. Thanks.

No sweat
We could probably totally eliminate the phrase no sweat from the English language if we'd all just use deodorant every day. Yes, I'm looking at you.

Bear with me I'd like to see the use of this phrase EXPANDED. For example, we could say

a. Raccoon with me
b. Chipmunk with me
c. Squirrel with me

Why just pick on bears? What have they ever done to you?

Friday, July 27, 2007

When Do I Ask the First Question? Have You Started Rolling Yet?

This has to be one of the most painful celebrity interviews I've ever seen. Poor Holly Hunter.

Is this interviewer, Merry Miller, kidding? She has no idea what she's saying, asking, or hearing. At the end she says the interview is sponsored by NBC, when the program is called "ABC News Video." Conducting an interview of this sort can't be that difficult to do. I'm offering up my cats Frankie & Johnny to ask the questions in the future. I KNOW they'd do a better job.

Try to make it through it all even though it's painful. The end is super-awful and you hear the director/producer scream in horror if you listen carefully. Funny stuff!

Click on the image above OR HERE.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Another Fun Day with Brian

We had a great time this afternoon. We played a game called "Fantastic MakeOver." We added sideburns, curly dark hair, and a moustache to Brian--and Brian loved it! Doesn't he look good?

He's such a cutie! He kept pointing out the Skaagen watch he bought me last night--as if I could ever forget it came from him.

In return, I bought him a few new tee shirts (the two in the pictures above). They go so nice with his beautiful eyes. No matter WHAT he wears, he always looks good to me.

Say hi to Peter for me Teri.

**evil laughter**

P.S. Don't hurt one hair on the head of my cat babies, Frankie & Johnny, Teri. Or your new home might experience a big "accident."

Monday, July 23, 2007

Look Who Loves Me Now ...

Teri's friend Brian brought me flowers this afternoon and we spent the day lolling in the sun.

You might want to stop at Dick Small's blog below to see what all the fuss is about:

It's Raining, It's Pouring

It's raining like this today

but I have no choice and have to go out in it. How's it by you?

Wish me well. If you don't hear from me again, I probably have ... glug ... HELP!! ... glug I'M DROWNING ... glug ...

Saturday, July 21, 2007

The Breakup

Peter and I are through. He admitted this morning, on Dick Small's blog, that he favors his ex-jail-cellmate Ron. :(

I've been so blind!

It's okay. I'll be alright. Sniff. Waa.

Dick, you're still sending that check for $25,000, right?

P.S. Click HERE to read Peter's remarks ... the creep.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Don't Mess with Me, 'Cause I've Got ...

Are you scared?

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Where's My Dramamine?

Rough Weather Sailing:
The BT Global Challenge 2000

This video will amaze you.
Just be sure to take a few Dramamine before viewing.

Click the image or click HERE.

(If you're in a hurry, start the video at the 33 second mark.
From that point on, grab a hold of your computer chair--you're going to feel dizzy.)

Words To Kill By, Again

Begs the question: I'm not "begging the question." Who's BEGGING? I'm just IGNORING the question. And you. Definitely you.

Cut to the chase: Is this "Hollywood talk," as in "This romantic scene is too difficult to get on film. Let's just cut to the chase scene ..."? That's it, isn't it? So then we can expect to continue to hear this phrase from, say, Martin Scorcese (is he still alive?), our movie director friend, but from no one else. Thank you! I'm soooooo glad!

The fact of the matter is ...: Let's get real, when writers or speakers use this phrase, they are just wasting your time and mine until they figure out what "the fact of the matter is."

Due to the fact that... This phrase is from the same family of phrases as "the fact of the matter is." Funny how all these phrases are about "facts."

Gone missing, Went missing Is there something wrong with the word "was"? Is it too confusing to use along with the word "missing"? See, all you have to say is say "She was missing" OR "He was missing" OR "We all were missing." You can do this! I am confident! Try it--try it now!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

The Excruciating Romantic Weekend Getaway

Longtime Married Couple Subjected To
Excruciating "Romantic Weekend Getaway" (an article at

Bwaaahhahahha! Please, please, go read this. Do not hesitate or debate about it. Just read it and don't forget to come back and thank me for brightening your day. :)

Click HERE or the image above.

A Dance to Remember

You're going to love this.

Click HERE.

Friday, July 13, 2007

The Plane that Ran Out of Fuel

In November 1990, I heard engines struggling as a plane passed closely overhead on a foggy night in the Tri-State. It sounded as if clanging parts were spinning in the engine housing, and when I ran to see what I could see, I found a plane that was flying directly over and slightly to the left of my apartment, so low that I could see shadows of faces peering out the windows through the lifting fog. Shortly thereafter, all of the lights on the plane went out, and I couldn't get a visual fix on it any longer.

Soon there were TV broadcasts about Avianca flight 52, from Medlin, Columbia, crashing on the North Shore of Long Island. The plane had run out of fuel before it could land at JFK Airport. All four engines of flight 52 had been in fine working order, but they shut down one by one due to a lack of fuel. The clanging I heard represented the sound of an engine struggling to remain working--and then failing.

Earlier in the evening, Flight 52's landing at JFK was delayed due to bad weather and fog, and the one real opportunity the Avianca flight crew had to land was aborted due to the pilot's inability to find an open runway at JFK in the fog.

Now here's the kicker: Despite indications on board that fuel was dangerously low, the Avianca crew failed to notify air traffic controllers of a "fuel emergency." Such a declaration would have enabled the crew to land on a priority basis at one of New York's three metropolitan airports. Instead, the crew only referred to their flight as one in need of a "priority landing." By never using the actual words "fuel emergency" or simply "emergency," air traffic controllers didn't recognize or act on the extreme seriousness of the situation and gave other flights priority to land before flight 52.

As the airplane circled back toward the airport after its failed attempt to land, it passed over New York City itself, the lower Hudson River, northern New Jersey (highly populated Bergen County), and then back over the Hudson. It crossed over the Bronx before it crashed into a wooded hillside on the North Shore of Long Island with its 157 passengers and crew. 84 passengers died; 73 survived. If the plane had crashed in any of the areas over which it flew just before its final descent, hundreds more, perhaps thousands more, would have died that night.

It should have been enough for the pilots to say that they needed to land on a priority basis--whether or not they used the actual word "emergency."

Eighty-four people shouldn't have died due to a communication failure between the crew and air traffic controllers.
Shouldn't the sound of fear in the pilot and copilot's voices have been enough to bring about an order for a priority landing?

There were shadows of faces in those windows when I looked out from my apartment that night due to the clanging of flight 52's engines, faces of many who died minutes later, all because of a big-time communication failure. Makes me so sad every time I think of it.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

No Inhibitions

Apparently while I was walking across country for 4.5 months, this guy danced at Best Buy. Even if you've seen it before it is SO WORTH VIEWING AGAIN.

Click HERE.

It's All about Hair Color

When I was in my early 20s, I dyed my beautiful natural red hair a dark brown--almost black. No, I don't know what I was thinking.

The day after this disaster struck, there was horror in the office, and whispering. By the afternoon, the president of the corporation, a big, burly man who rarely spoke to his underlings and resented anyone being on an elevator at the same time he was on, pressing the close-door button furiously to keep all others out, showed up at my office door and hesitated before saying:

"God gave you the skin coloring you have to match your hair coloring. He knew what he was doing--and YOU DON'T!" And off he went. Can't say he was wrong.

As of this morning my hair is now, quite accidentally, deep auburn. I mean DEEP DARK auburn. I'm normally a strawberry blond, but not now. This morning I hate L'Oreal. And I will continue to hate them maybe forever or at least until this grows out.

If you have any hair-coloring nightmare stories, list 'em here.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I'm a Pinky; And You?

You Are a Pinky

You are fiercely independent, and possibly downright weird.
A great communicator, you can get along with almost anyone.
You are kind and sympathetic. You support all your friends--and love them for who they are.
You get along well with: The Ring Finger
Stay away from: The Thumb

I have my own opinion about which finger you are, but I'd simply be guessing. Take the test and let me know! :)

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

For Teri, A Picture of My Cousin, Rocky

Take a good look, Teri.
He'd do ANYTHING for me.

The Swimming Pool Restroom

Yes, I've dipped into the archives and pulled out my now classic peeing-in-the-pool post. I'm just going to keep posting it every year until people stop peeing in pools--which will be never.

The Swimming Pool Restroom

It will be close to 100 degrees in the tri-state today. Oh, yeah, this is going to be fun.

I'm filling the guest bathtub with cold water and will be using it as my own personal swimming pool. While we have a large pool right here at the foot of my building, I swore a long time ago that I would never again set foot in multiple-user pools. They are quite unkempt. And dirty. And disgusting.

Human elimination in swimming pools was something I always blamed on children with lazy parents who hadn't passed down instructions that it is uncouth and disgusting to eliminate in the water rather than get out of the pool and use the restroom. But now I realize that grown-ups themselves are often just as guilty of this practice. Grown-ups who should know better. I have swum through too many warm-water areas in pools to be unaware of this problem.

Some people have told me, "That doesn't bother me. They use chlorine in the pool"--as if this makes it better. They can use 2.92 million dump trucks' worth of chlorine in the pool as far as I'm concerned. If I swallow water while swimming, I'm swallowing water, pee, and chlorine.

I don't want to swim in other people's urine, I'm funny that way. My bathtub's going to serve as my swimming pool. Oh sure, Frankie and Johnny may occasionally drink from it, but they don't swim in it; and even if they DID swim in it, they are smart enough to know not to eliminate in the same place as one swims, once again proving that cats are highly intelligent and far more respectful of others than humans.

I'm off to fill my chlorine-free, pee-free pool! Stay cool everyone!

P.S. See those 3 people in the pool above? Those people are peeing in the pool.

UPDATE: More Wisdom from Dick "Meanie" Small:

I don't swim in pools. Not only are people peeing, but mucus is running out of people's noses. Skin is flaking off. Hair comes loose (pubes as well). So not only are you swimming in pee, you're also swimming in mucus, dead skin and pubic hair.

The man's a genius. Sometimes.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Loud Cell-Phone Conversations among Annoying People

CONVERSATION 1 (at the supermarket):
Caller: I'm in aisle 2 of Trader Joe's. Do you want the 7-grain bread or the 10-grain?
Call recipient: Get the 10-grain. I'm constipated.
Caller: Okay, do you want me to pick up some Metamucil too?
Call recipient: No, no. I'm teaching a course tomorrow. I don't want to have the runs in class.

Just about now, the caller moves out of my hearing range on aisle 2. I am blessed.

CONVERSATION 2 (in the car, window open):
Caller: I'm at a red light now. I'm going to get gas and then go get a haircut. Okay? I'll call you later.

No one needs to know where you are at every moment of every day. You are not the head of Homeland Security; you are not the CEO of a Fortune 500 company; you're not a 4 year old. You can buy gas and then make it to the barber without reporting in. It'll all be okay. Honest.

CONVERSATION 3 (on the way to get a slice of pizza and go to Target's):
First Call: We're heading out; yep, we're going to Barreta's Pizzeria and I'll give you a call when I get there. Okay, I'll speak to you later, hon.
Second Call: Hi, we're at the pizzeria. We just ordered. What? Oh, I'm getting two mushroom slices and Zed's getting two regular slices and a Diet Coke. What are you having for lunch? Really? Okay. I'll call you later. We should be heading to Target in about a half hour.
Third Call: We just got to Target. What do you want? Okay, I'll pick up potato chips and another jar of Prego sauce. Anything else. Okay honey, I'll call you later.
Fourth Call: We're leaving Target's. Yeah, we're in the parking lot. Zed, can't find her car. Isn't that funny? I bought two tee-shirts and some shorts. You'll see when I get home. Did you go to the gym? Good. Okay then, I'll call you from the garage. Okay then. Bye. Bye.
Fifth Call: We're in the garage. I'm going to stop in the lobby and pick up the mail. I'll be home in a few minutes. Okay then. Bye.

Do I look like some sort of threatening person that my friend must report in to her husband every 5 minutes that I haven't KILLED HER yet? (We're leaving. We're at the pizzeria. We're on the way to Target. We're AT Target.) I don't want to kill anybody, I just want to SHOP. You're safe with me as long as I can buy stuff.

I'm feeling completely strangled by these conversations, and I'm not even the marital recipient. Talk about codependence! I'm choking! Clear the way, I need air! Someone call 911. I'm dying here.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

More Words to Kill By (A Semi-New Zed Feature)

community of learners Wait, doesn't "community of learners" refer to a "school"? What's wrong with just saying "school"? Too boring? Too easy? Too accurate?

dude I am not a dude. Do I look like a dude?? No, I look like a cat. You can't call a cat a dude. In fact you can't call a WOMAN a dude, fool. Don't dude me.

pick one’s brain Go ahead. I dare you. Do it for the Gipper.

holiday tree For something like 1500 years pine trees decorated for Christmas were referred to as "Christmas trees." Then an extreme lunatic fringe (educators?) decided it was less politically correct to call it a "Christmas tree" than a "holiday tree." Warning: DO NOT hold your breath waiting for me to call a "Christmas tree" a "holiday tree"--or you will surely die of self-imposed asphyxiation.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Even His Eyes Have Hair

Ramos Gomez, aka Wolfboy. Even his EYES have hair.

He's single, Teri. Just sayin' ...

It's Never a Good Sign When ... (A New Zed Series)

It's never a good sign when ...

a friend invites you over for 12 noon and then comments "so let's see, I guess you should be leaving by about 1:00, which means I can have my lunch once you go."

Huh? Lunch is good. I LIKE lunch. Did I SAY I was leaving at 1:00?

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Second-Story Ron

Peter brought his new friend Second-Story Ron to dinner tonight.

In my opinion, Second-Story Ron is a phony. He's sporting a fake mustache and beard for one, and everyone knows a prisoner's stripes are MUCH wider than what he's got on. HE thought the cats and I would be impressed. Yeah, as if Frankie and Johnnie CARE that he's wearing his prison uniform to dinner ...

As for Peter and I, well, I just can't keep enough sugar in the house to keep him happy it seems. He said he had to leave to go get a sugar high and to reminisce with Second-Story Ron on their overnight jail stay together. Whatever THAT means.

Besides, Dick Small never did send me the $25,000 he promised to send toward the wedding. How can a girl get married on less that $25,000 these days?

Not lookin' good, but things still might turn around. I'm just an optimist at heart, I guess.

They Call Her Tinkerbell

I brought the bail money to the sheriff's office today, but apparently THIS little creature had already bailed Peter out.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007


Love exists in many forms. Oh, you sexy thing.

Click here

Peter Flies Near the Bridge; Arrested

In the middle of our July 4th celebrations, Peter jumped off my apartment balcony and flew to the George Washington Bridge today. When he was spotted by someone on the river, the police were called and several SWAT teams were brought in. He was shot down, taken out of the Hudson River by the Coast Guard, and taken to a local hospital. So far they won't let me see him (he's under arrest!), but I've been told he's physically alright except for the dent in the red feather in his hat.

Don't you worry Dick Small--I'll make sure to get the best lawyers on his case. (Did you send the $15,000??? I'll need it by Friday. Can you make it $25,000?)

Why didn't he just stay on the terrace balcony and have hamburgers--or better yet Marshmallow Fluff and Girl Scout Chocolate Mint cookies??

What a sad day!

Words to Kill By (A Wednesday Zed Feature)

There are words and phrases that just push me over the edge of tolerance. I cringe when I hear them, whether for the 10th time or the 24th billion time. There's something so hideous about them that I physically react to the utterance of them.


. Be honest with me, is this a replacement for the word "cute"? Fine, can we now replace the word "whimsy" with another word? It is SO overused. And the word can't stand on its own, it always has to have the phrase "a touch of" in front of it. For example, "By adding the teddy bear on the fireplace, we've added a touch of whimsy to this otherwise dull room." Oh, just drop in a hole already. I don't want to be touched by whimsy. I want to UN-touched by whimsy and never hear it again.

At the end of the day. Until a few years ago, everyone just said "finally" or "ultimately" or "at last" to emphasize finality or closure. But now I keep hearing "at the end of the day." Huh? That makes no sense. Something might end at the end of the day but start up again tomorrow, which means it's not really "over." And the words "finally" and "ultimately" are only one-word long--they're not 6 words, as is ATEOTD. What a waste of blah-blah! At the end of the day, I hate the phrase at the end of the day.

A penny for your thoughts.
My thoughts have been the victim of inflation. You can have my thoughts--maybe--for $10, but a penny is just plain insulting. This phrase is almost as insulting as the phrase "adding my two cents." My thoughts are not worth two cents--do I need to go through this AGAIN?

What words/phrases do YOU hate?

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Wishing You the Best on Independence Day


George Washington Bridge, connecting upper Manhattan
northern New Jersey.

Two more views:
First, the NY Tower of the George Washington Bridge. Look closely and
you'll see the tiny Little Red Lighthouse underneath the mighty bridge.

Second, a closeup of the Little Red Lighthouse.

The ZedBed (by Sans Pantaloons)

Sans Pantaloons presents the ZedBed:

Sans recognizes genius when he sees it. Note the soap, folks. Note the soap.

A Peter Dinner

Last night Peter made a romantic dinner for just the two of us. The menu?

Appetizer: Lucky Charms
Beverages: Hershey's Chocolate Milk; Grape Kool-Aid
Salad: SNICKERS Salad
Main Course: S'Mores and Chocolate Cake, with french fries on the side
Dessert: Caramel popcorn and Girl Scout's Chocolate Mint Cookies

Peter says this is how he eats all the time. "What's the problem?" he asked. "None, darling," I responded.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Are You Deaf, Serena?

... The “acute spasm-induced strain” of the muscle was the worst pain Serena [Williams, at Wimbledon] said she could recall on court. She barely moved on Hantuchova’s next service attempt, an ace. Williams won her own serve with the aid of a clinching ace herself, but soon trailed 4-2 in the second-set tiebreaker.

As rain began to fall, father Richard Williams stood and shouted for officials to suspend play. Serena stood at the service line but did not move to serve. Officials suspended the match at 5:36 p.m. London time.

The nearly two-hour rain interruption bought crucial time. Serena received treatment on the muscle, and returned to court wearing white leg warmers.

Did I not, just last week*, advise everyone to put a bar of Ivory Soap at the foot of their bed to eliminate leg pain?


My New Boyfriend

It's official. I'm dating Dick Small's son Peter.

I'm not fond of the green outfits he wears but he's sworn he will switch to blue, brown, black and red for the sake of our love.

How could I refuse? He's so dreamy!