Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Picante Clamato Pfftsicles by Pfft Brands, Inc.

October 31, 2006
(for immediate release)

Pfft Brands, Inc., is proud to announce the release today of a fantastic new, super-delicious snack for consumer consumption. Picante Clamato popsicles! Or as Pfft Brand likes to refer to them, Pfftsicles!

The Picante Clamato Pfftsicles are actually an improved version of Pfft Brands Pfftsicles, in supermarkets since August 2005, but this version contains MORE CLAM FLAVOR. You asked for it, we delivered!

Run, do not walk, to the nearest Pfft Brands distributor in your area for Picante Clamato Pfftsicles. You will never again taste anything like it!

Thanks to the fabulous Jen of Casual Slack for her genius marketing move and brilliant artwork!

Monday, October 30, 2006

The Seventies (70s) Party on Wednesday

On Wednesday, November 1, we will be holding a Seventies (70s) Party here in The World According to Zed. Now that I seem to be walking normally again, I'll be dancing up a storm!!

Those were some strange, freaky years! Take a look at what I'm bringing:

Look at the design and color of this car:

or take a peek at these people (Sonny & Cher):

Look at the sheer ugliness-beauty of these shoes:

or the great design of this furniture:

And look at this cool Pink Floyd poster!

Those were strange yet oddly intriguing years. So collect all of your 70s memorabilia (you didn't have to BE alive at the time, you just need to remember the decade) and bring your 70s junk with you on Wednesday to the party at my place!

We'll be serving the usual refreshments (Clamato products for sure!) and we'll all admire anything you want to bring in addition--any food, beverage, person living or dead, music, musician, animal, insect, furniture, etc., etc.--to help make this party rock. This might just be the party of the year!

See you then! Far out! Can you dig it? Your mama!

I Can Do a Bunny Rabbit... That's It!

Amazing hand shadows from Crackmuffin.com... Click HERE or on the picture.

I can do a bunny rabbit...but that's it!

(This is, I believe, an ad to save the rainforest of Argentina.)

Bad News and Good News--Just Sharin'

Serious post. If you want humor, videos, or, an international Zed day, you'll have to scroll down or go to someone else's blog--or come back on Wednesday for 70s Day. I need to say some stuff out loud.

I come from a family of non-complainers. It's what we do. My sister died of cancer, but smiled her way out of here to make sure everyone else was okay. It was a gift--she had been given a large measure of grace no doubt--but sometimes, when I think of it now, I wish she was able, just ONCE, to say to someone who asked her how she was "I don't feel well. I'm sick. I have pain." But she would always say that if she told someone how she really felt that would upset them, which would UPSET HER. So ultimately she felt she was protecting herself and it was just easier to say "Fine. I feel fine." She was in hospice and she still said, "I feel fine."

And as for my mother, she was in a car accident 5 years ago, but she never told us about the event or that she was in pain from seriously injured ankles and deep cuts and bruises. We'd have hopped on a plane to be with her in Florida (she was well into her 80s), but she never even let us know she was hurting until she was healed because she "didn't want to bother" us. Sigh. Another non-complainer.

So in the great tradition of Zedfamily, I haven't told you that I have severe pain every single day all day from what I originally thought was a minor injury to my legs, especially my right one, several years ago.

In the last two years, I have been having a tough time walking. Don't get me wrong, I CAN WALK. But I hurt. I ache. I feel ancient--and I'M NOT! I dread confronting a set of stairs. Or getting out of bed, or moving in bed, or sitting for a long time.
I can't get an operation since I only have catastrophic health care due to the mess of the U.S. health care system thankyouverymuch. I pay $509 per month absolutely FOR NOTHING. If I need stitches, I have to pay out of pocket. If I need surgery, I need to pay out of pocket unless it's an emergency--which this isn't, since I didn't just have a car accident or fall down a flight of stairs. This happened several years ago already.

So in desperation to find relief from the pain, I
recently started physical therapy to see if that would help. And it has. Anyway, it DID, until the last few weeks during which I have been walking as if I am 90 years old and hurting more than ever. I have to nap 3 hours a day due to the intense pain. Lord, I hate that.

Anyway, last night something changed for the better. ... I remembered that my sister, who had a collapsed vertebra from too many (and too intense) radiation treatments on her spine, would have to get on the floor and roll from side to side until something that was out of whack in her spine would go back in place. It was most inconvenient for her and often awkward and embarrassing. She had to do this manuever every hour or so, no matter where she was--friend's homes, restaurant and public restrooms, at the beach, in a park, wherever--to be able to function.

So in thinking about my sister and how she got whatever was out of place back IN place, it occurred to me yesterday that something must be out of place in my right leg and I need to press on whatever it is to put it BACK IN place. Hey, genius here! :)

I was afraid, but thought how much worse pain can it bring? I already feel awful! So that's what I did. I poked around and pushed in the area of the most intense pain, and I found something that clicked and whatever was "out" went back in place! I got up and walked around. No pain! I can walk. No pain. Yippee! I had to press on my right leg twice today to make whatever was "out" go back "in", but I was fine after that. I just got up now and my legs are absolutely fine. (And a doctor didn't figure this out because...???)

I still need PT because I need to strengthen calf and thigh muscles so I can get up out of a chair with THEM rather than my knees, and I need to get my legs used to moving properly again. But I think I'm on to something!

So I shared my good AND bad news with you. I don't want to be another one of Zedfamily's non-complainers, unable to say to those I care about what's wrong when something is very wrong.

I may never even bring this up again, but I really wanted to be honest with you and let you know what's been going on with me. That's why sometimes I need a day off. And why I'm cranky at other times. Crankypants. But today crankypants is smiling a bit more and feeling much, much better. I can walk. Like a person. :) I hope this lasts!

Thanks for listening! Hugs!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Dancing Breakfast

and I are negotiating the new Pfft Brand product we'll be releasing soon for mass consumption. I suggested eggs, bacon, and toast on a stick. But the one in this video is pretty cool too.

Watch it. You'll like it!
Click HERE


If you want to laugh, visit a blog called Ventspace.

I don't know the blogger, just found her through browsing, but I was soon crying with laughter at her well-told stories. My sides hurt! She is a wonderful writer with a great sense of humor.

Check her out. Click on the link above.

Scarey Flight Patterns

Flight patterns. This might be a little bit too long, but watch the first 15 seconds of the video. It's fascinating and a bit frightening.


Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick--Yum?

Pancakes and sausage on a stick--for breakfast. Blueberry and chocolate chip flavor.
Jimmy Dean, you feelin' okay?

Steve Carell Cracks Me Up--Calling All Cats

Tears of laughter were streaming down my face over this one. I hope you like it as much as I did. Click HERE OR on the image below.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Are You Pathetic? A Quiz

1. The most important item to pack on a trip to the Bahamas is:
a. your brand-new sexy bathing suit, which will make you the best-looking person on the beach
b. your 45 SPF tanning lotion
c. a super-ionic hair dryer and hair spray
d. Clamato Tortilla Chips and Juice (with extra clams)

2. You go to the movies to see Old Yeller or Bambi or The Yearling and you:
a. cry while in the theater and on the way home in the car and whenever you think about it again in the future
b. laugh at the ridiculous nature of these schmaltzy films
c. think "what a nice movie" and go on with your life
d. are bored

3. Your scratch-off lottery ticket is a winner and you take it to the crowded local supermarket to collect your $100. The clerk takes your winning ticket and swipes it twice through the electronic state lottery machine to validate the ticket.
However, one CANNOT swipe the ticket twice or the machine will NOT pay you what you have won--it thinks you are trying to collect the $100 TWICE. The clerk turns to you and says, "Sorry, the machine says this ticket has already been validated. I can't pay you." You say,

a. "You swiped it twice!!! I saw you. Now give me my $100!"
b. "Thank you. Okay."
c. "I'm calling the lottery commission! You're a crook."
d. "I'm feeling ripped off. However, can I buy another ticket then?"

4. You're stopped by a police officer for speeding. He asks for your driver's license and registration and you say:
a. "But I wasn't speeding. This isn't fair!"
b. "Okay, I was speeding, but I'm a doctor responding to an emergency."
c. "No, no, no. I don't deserve a ticket and I'll fight it to the death. I'll see you in court mister!"
d. "You're right, I was speeding, because I'm really late to meet my friend. I'm a half hour late already and now he/she's going to be kill me. I really should learn to leave the house earlier! It's just I get side-tracked by all sorts of silly things, like cleaning a closet or playing on the computer, and then I look at the clock and I'm already late even before I start to get ready. It's ridiculous, really. So you're right. I deserve this ticket so don't feel bad that you have to give it to me. In fact I insist you give it to me."

5. You park your car at the mall and make note of where you parked it. When you come outside you:
a. can't find it and wander aimlessly up and down the parking lot hoping you will eventually locate it
b. can't find it and call mall security to drive you up and down the parking lot hoping you will eventually locate it
c. assume someone stole it, call the police, and let them drive you up and down the parking lot hoping you will eventually locate it
d. go buy a new car
e. go directly to your car because you know exactly where you parked it

6. You have a blog and can't think of anything to write about today. You:
a. don't make a new entry today
b. get something from your archives and post it
c. you create a pathetic quiz
d. you write a new post that is meaninless and empty but feel proud, because no one can ever accuse you of slacking off on your blog


Wednesday, October 25, 2006

It's So Quiet on Blogger

Looks like most of Blogger is not working. I can visit myself, and I can comment at Scarlet's--that's about it. I can visit Doctor Mom but not look at any of her comments. I can't visit Casual Slack. Or Teri. Or Sans. Or Dick Small--but I'm not talking to him anyway. Or anyone else in my blog list.

It's the Internal Server Error 500. You know that one. Sure you do. It's a killer.

So I'm assuming no one can visit me either. Which leaves me perfectly free to go about my freelance business. And go eat something bad. Thanks Blogger!


UPDATE: It's back up and running!

It's Brazil Day! Welcome to Rio!

Welcome to Brazil Day
in The World According to Zed!!

The flight to Brazil was fairly uneventful, but look who was the first one to greet us at the Rio de Janeiro-Galeão (Antonio Carlos Jobim International) Airport!

Carmen Miranda!! I thought she was dead. You thought she was dead. She's not dead! She was at the airport with all sorts of fruit on her head! Have a grape!

I hope you have studied your samba and rhumba dance steps. If not, practice now (CLICK IMAGES TO ENLARGE). On the left is the samba, on the right is the rhumba:

I am supplying you all with the following for this all-day party:

a map of Brazil
café da manhã (their favorite coffee!)
rice and beans
cuscuz branco (a milled tapioca cooked with coconut milk and sugar)
hot dogs (another Brazilian food favorite, believe it or not)
the two dancing maniacs from the DANCING TO YOUR OWN DRUMMER post, several below this one

We will sing The Girl from Ipanema on the way to the Copacabana and Ipanema beaches:

Tall and tan and young and lovely
The girl from ipanema goes walking
And when she passes, each one she passes goes - ah

When she walks, shes like a samba
That swings so cool and sways so gentle
That when she passes, each one she passes goes - ooh

(ooh) but I watch her so sadly
How can I tell her I love her
Yes I would give my heart gladly
But each day, when she walks to the sea
She looks straight ahead, not at me

Tall, (and) tan, (and) young, (and) lovely
The girl from ipanema goes walking
And when she passes, I smile - but she doesnt see (doesnt see)
(she just doesnt see, she never sees me,...)

At Wednesday noon, we will board a boat to head west on the Amazon River. Be at the dock on time!

Navigating into small tributaries deep in the rain forest, we will see large numbers of birds of every color and shape, gargantuan trees, and monkeys. We will see dolphins leap in the air and then dive back into the water, snatching up fish. While large animals such as jaguars and tapirs still roam the forests, they conceal themselves very skillfully--if we see one, we will be very fortunate! Guaranteed, though, is observation of many other kinds of wildlife. We will see the red-bellied piranha or the armored catfish with foot-long feelers, jacaré, and Amazon crocodiles. And we will visit the homes of river settlers and native tribes. You will never forget this trip or this experience! Be sure to bring your food and drinks aboard the boat! NO food service is available!

What will YOU bring to the Brazil Day party? It could be Brazilian food, beverages, dead or alive Brazilian people, animals, insects, blah, blah. Whatever it is, be sure it will help make this party rock! Don't be sooooooo pathetic that it is not Brazil-related. This a Brazil Day party people!! haha!

Hit the beaches, tour Rio, and don't forget to be at the dock at noon for the Amazon boat launch! Ay caramba! This is an all-expenses paid trip. Just relax and enjoy!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Club of the Pathetics Emblem

Sans Pantaloons has done a graphic for my new Club of the Pathetics:

How to become a member:
All are welcome to join. We have only one membership rule: You must be pathetic on a continuing basis. And you are. You KNOW YOU ARE! OF COURSE YOU ARE--I can see it! haha!

... Thanks Sans! I'm sending several super-pathetic hugs your way!

Monday, October 23, 2006


We had an incredibly fun and wonderful time at the Canada Day party last week, and on THIS coming Wednesday, we're going to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil (Brasilia).

Brazil Day should be amazing!

We'll visit the famous beaches of Copacabana and Ipanema. We'll dance the samba, the rumba, and the cha-cha-cha. We'll drink South American beverages (whatever the heck they are) and we'll consume sumptuous rich food at the churrasco (barbeque).

And to add true excitement to this particular Zedstock event, we will
take a boat trip down the Amazon to the depths of the rain forest, where we will camp overnight with remote rain-forest villagers and fight off bugs, wild animals and bats. Ay caramba! Does THAT not sound like a fun time or what!!

Think about what you will bring to the party on Wednesday to help make this party go down in Zedstock history! You may contribute food, beverages, people dead or alive, animals, insects, clothing, you name it.

I'm bringing the soccer superstar Pele.

So don't forget to stop by on Wednesday for an exciting time in South America! Cucharacha!

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Dancing to Your Own Drummer...

I'm inviting two of the guys from this video to the Brazil Day party this week. We're talking raw dancing talent here people!

Click HERE to see the video--or on the picture to the left.

Sans, is that you in the black-striped shirt?

Yes, I Am Pathetic. So What's Your Point?

Yes, I know the whole world has seen this. Yes I know YOU have seen it ad infinitem. Yes I am pathetic for posting it. But think about how courageous I am to post it under such circumstances. Brave Zed. Yup.

Click HERE or on the picture to see the video.

I still cry whenever I see this
. Yup. Pathetic.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

The Italian Garden

I love this joke, sent to me by my friend Dawn:


An old Italian man lived alone in the country.

It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

Friday, October 20, 2006

Thursday-Saturday Thirteen

13 random facts:

1. I stopped using ATMs about 5 years ago. I don't like the lines or the little rooms my bank puts customers in to withdraw their money.

2. I hate cooking and I hate eating natural foods such as tomatos, squash, eggplant, zucchini, and green things. I ate asparagus for the first time two weeks ago and broccoli for the first time as a side dish about 2-3 months ago. Surprisingly they were good. I don't even like to be in the kitchen.

3. I have extremely funny or amusing dreams almost every night and I often wake up smiling. How annoying is that, huh?

4. I'm usually about 10-15 minutes late, but I'm working on being more prompt. Really I am. I can only TRY. :)

5. I've been to 38 states in America: Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Maryland, Delaware, West Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Texas, Alabama, Michigan, Illinois, Missouri, Ohio, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Minnesota, Colorado, Nevada, Idaho, Wyoming, Montana, California, Washington, Oregon, Nebraska, Alaska, Utah, Virginia and most provinces of Canada.

6. I'm 5 foot 2 and 3/4.

7. I love the smell of vanilla anything: potpourri, candles, sachets, soap, etc.

8. I don't like the taste of alcohol and hence do not drink. I do however drink root beer, Coca-Cola, and grape or orange juice.

9. I have been known to work 16-hour days for 4-5 days per week, but a halt was put to that about 5 years ago.

10. I have been going to physical therapy for about a month now to work on injuries to both of my legs. It's going great, I love the therapist's kindness, and I'm already walking so much better. I have to be more disciplined about doing the exercises on a regular basis.

11. I make a mean Zed's kitchen-sink salad. It has raisins, cranraisins, macadamia nuts, parmesan cheese, bacon, chicken bits, and ranch dressing. Absolutely delicious!

12. After flying over 250 times, I'm now terrified of flying and will try to avoid it at all costs. The planes I've been in have had far too many close calls, including a close encounter with the SST over Manhattan and a landing at a tiny little airport in Switzerland in the Alps in the middle of the night in total and complete fog. Horrifying!

13. I loathe horror movies but love musicals. I live in an area where Broadway performers perform large parts of their shows at local (large) malls. So I can get to see and hear the songs from many different Broadway shows FOR ABSOLUTELY FREE from about 10 ft. away from the performers (front row seats because I get there hours early).

There's other stuff, but the 13 count is up!

Uh-oh. Sick Time!

Maybe it was the clam bits in Sans' Black Sea Clamato drink...

Or the close face-to-face conversation with the mooses and bears.

Or maybe it was singing Canadian Idiot at the top of my lungs for hours at a time ...

It couldn't possibly be the Tim Horton's coffee or the TimBits--no way! No possible way!

But I'm not feeling great. I took a nap that
I thought would last 10 minutes
and woke up almost 5 1/2 hours later.

Even my cats Frankie & Johnny are avoiding me.
They refuse to stay in the same room with me
because they're afraid to pick up some germs.
The big babies ...!!

Sooooo I'm taking Friday off from blogging.
See you guys over the weekend! Hugs all around!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

A Song for the Ongoing Canada Day Party

Thanks to Teena of It's All About Me!!! (go visit her site!) here are the words to Weird Al Yankovic's song Canadian Idiot (a parody of Green Day's American Idiot). I swiped the URL for the YouTube video as well. Me bad.

Click HERE or on the picture to listen and follow the words. Let's sing it as a group song... Everyone? Here we go:

Canadian Idiot - Weird Al Yankovic

Don't want to be a Canadian idiot
Dont want to be some beer swillin' hockey nut
And do I look like some frost bitten hosehead
I never learned my alphabet from "A" to "Zed"

They all live on donuts and moose meat
And they leave the house without packin' heat
Never even bring their guns to the mall
And you know what else is too funny
Their stupid monopoly money
Can't take 'em seriously at all

Well maple syrup and snow's what they export
They treat curling just like it's a real sport
They think their silly accent is so cute
Can't understand a thing they're talking aboot

Sure they got their national health care
Cheaper meds, low crime rates and clean air
Then again well they got Celine Dion
Eat their weight in Kraft macaroni
And dream of driving a zamboni
all over Saskatchewan

Don't want to be a Canadian idiot
Won't figure out the temperature in Celcius
See the map they're hovering right over us
Tell you the truth it makes me kinda nervous

Always hear the same kind of story
Break their nose and they'll just say sorry
Tell me what kind of freaks are that polite
It's gotta mean they're all up to something
So quick before they see it coming
time for a pre-emptive strike

(Thanks again Teena!)

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Sans Pantaloons Rendition of "Zedstock"

Sans Pantaloons never fails to amaze me with his talent...


I came upon Frankie & Johnny
As they walked along the road
And I asked them, where are you going
And this they told me
We are stardust
We are golden
We are going to join a rock n roll band
To give us courage for the stand
We are stardust
We are golden
And we've got to get ourselves
To Zed's rose garden

Then can I walk beside you
I have come here to lose the smog
And I'd like to be a cog in something turning
Well maybe it is just the time of year
Or maybe it's the time of man
I don't know who l am
But you know life is for learning
We are stardust
We are golden
And we've got to get ourselves
To Zed's rose garden

By the time we got to Zedstock
We were half a million strong
And everywhere there was song and celebration
And I dreamed I saw the Mounties
Riding horses in the sky
And they were turning into butterflies
Above our great nations
We are stardust
Billion year old carbon
We are golden
Caught in the devils bargain
And we've got to get ourselves
To Zed's rose garden

Zedstock...What's Next?

Though the Canada Day party is still rockin'--and if you haven't been there yet, stop by for a rousing rendition of O Canada by RUSH and a glass of Black Sea Clamato with whole clams--the following countries are in line for a party in the coming weeks in The World According to Zed. Let me know the name of other countries you'd like to party in. So far, we've got:

1. Brazil (let's take a trip down the Amazon!); 2. Greece (mmm spanakopita!); 3. Iceland (mmm . . . now let's see . . . ice, lots of ice!); 4. South Africa (gold!)

, both foreign and domestic, may also be chosen. For example:

1. Las Vegas (casinos and so much more!); 2. New York (the Big Apple); 3. Chicago (the Windy City on the Lake); 4. St. Louis (jazz!)

Let me know your faves in the comments section. The party continues!

It's Canada Day!

Welcome to the Canada Day party for the big nation to the north that is 1/2 ice, or something like that!

It is home to Molson beer, Canada Dry (maybe?), moose (meese?), bears, otters, the Toronto Blue Jays, a few hawks and eagles, a big church with a kazillion steps, Tim Horton's (get your coffee here folks), the good view of Niagara Falls, birthplace of Celine Dion (sad), and beautiful and breathtaking in Jaspar and Lake Louise.

We Americans love Canada. Especially since they haven't invaded us yet (even though Tricia insists they have...). And the Royal Mounties--cute!

What are you bringing to the party? I've got

my map of Canada (above)
a Canada goose or two
Tim Horton's coffee
a signed 4 x 5 of Celine Dion

I'll bring more goodies as the party progresses. We're gonna have fun! List what you are bringing (food, living people, dead people songs, historical items, poetry, etc.) in the comments section.

It might just be a rumor, but someone told me they're bringing RUSH. How cool is that?

Monday, October 16, 2006

Wednesday is Canada Day!

Wednesday is Canada Day here on The World According to Zed! We're holding a party for that great country!

Now, I know what you're thinking . . . What does Canada stand for? Aren't they just like Americans, except they call themselves Canadians?? You might ask yourself, do they have cultural preferences, or songs, or food, or anything that makes one think "Canada--now that's a NATION!"

Most people get hung up on those questions, but NOT YOU! You can think of something exciting to say about the nation that is just north of the United States that has a stadium in Toronto whose roof opens pneumatically, has moose and bears, and has a cathedral in Montreal with 6 billion steps that people climb up on their knees. You've been there--I know it. WE ALL BEEN THERE!

You've got two days to figure out what you're bringing to the Canada Day Party. A few minutes' homework, people. Don't let the Canucks down! They're counting on you to help make this party great! We owe them--they've never invaded us!
Frankie reading a cartoon posted on Chris's Some Guy's Blog. That's the back of her head.
She's very smart, you know; after this, she picked up The New York Times and read the financial section. Can your cat(s) do that? I think not.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Matt Lauer's Cry for Help

I had no idea the extent to which Matt Lauer has felt confused and displaced by Katie Couric's CBS move. Pull it together Matt! You're going to be okay!

(Here, Matt is really just showing off his Paris Hilton Halloween costume.)

Friday, October 13, 2006

Kitten Beethoven

He's a genius I tell you, the new Beethoven!

Click here or on the image below to see him compose a new song.


Does Kevin Federline know how to dress or what?

Answer: What.

One Hopes This Telemarketer Has Learned His Lesson

This will make you laugh.

Click here:

It's True. Cats Are Insane.

This isn't the best quality video I've ever seen, but the subject matter is adorable. Watch for the cat playing pingpong. Too funny. (Hang in there. It gets vastly better after the first 10 seconds.)

Click here or the picture.

Mr. Nobody, you are excused from the room. Yes, cats are insane.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Sans Pantaloons Conquers France!

Here is an image of my European ClustrMap. See the nation of France, circled in black? After much resistance from the French citizenry, my ClustrMap now has a little red dot, thanks to Sans Pantaloons and his mysterious power over France's President Jacques Chirac.

Sans Pantaloons seems to know something President Chirac doesn't want revealed. Perhaps it has to do with ChickenParis; or with Dick Small's brief encounter with Chirac on the Riviera at Saint Paul-de-Vence (pre-Nick Lachey) in 1966. I wonder if Monsieur Chirac need someone whacked at the time and Dick being a serial killer and all was able to "help"?

Whatever!! The most important thing is I want to thank Sans for a job well done! I love the little red dot and I will cherish it forever. :)

The Fours Meme

I've been tagged by Jen. Here goes:

1. magazine columnist
2. copy editor/writer
3. manager of software development dept.
4. computer consultant
1. Queen of the Entire Shebang
2. Catwoman
3. Mindreader
4. Trampolinist
1. Groundhog Day
2. It's a Wonderful Life
3. Pride and Prejudice
4. Best in Show
1. Lyons, France
2. Paisley, Scotland
3. Berkeley, California
4. My current space in NY-NJ-CN
1. The Office
2. The Amazing Race
3. The Ellen DeGeneres Show
4. Everybody Loves Raymond/Seinfeld (yes, that's 5)
1. Venice, Italy
2. Bermuda
3. Amsterdam, The Netherlands
4. Grand Canyon NP/Yosemite NP (yes, that's 5)
1. Banterist
2. Casual Slack
3. Mr. Fab's Pointless Drivel
4. Dick Small's Blog (also, Mel's, Teri's, Sans, Dr. Mom's, Scarlet's, etc. etc.)
1. Pizza
2. Filet Mignon
3. Chicken Cristina (chicken encrusted with parmesan cheese before cooking)
4. My famous Kitchen-Sink Salad (with cranraisins; macadamia nuts; regular raisins; parmesan cheese; ranch dressing); yum
1. Octopus
2. Veal
3. Cabbage
4. Eggplant
1. Bagels
2. Fluff
3. Pizza
4. Cashew nuts
1. A couch
2. Cream-colored carpeting (what was I thinking?)
3. A huge wicker basket containing photographs
4. An cream-colored Ethan Allen metal-frame 4-poster bed
1. A fireplace
2. A treadmill
3. A sauna
4. A steambath
1. White t-shirt
2. Gray shorts
3. Sneakers
4. Black hooded jacket
1. Southern France
2. Loch Lomond, Scotland
3. Lake Como, Italy
4. At a local beach, letting the water ripple over my feet.
1. I like Earth; I want to stay here.
2. I like Earth; I want to stay here.
3. I like Earth; I want to stay here.
4. I like Earth; I want to stay here.
1. Nelson Mandela
2. Billy Graham
3. Jay Leno
4. Dr. Phil
1. Atticus from "To Kill a Mockingbird"
2. The Wiz from "The Wizard of Oz"
3. ?
4. ?
1. Tom Hanks
2. Conan O'Brien
3. Martha Stuart
4. Hugh Grant or Hugh Jackman

I'm tagging Teri; Sans; Scarlet, and anyone else who wants to give this a shot.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Johnny the Internet Star ...

Check out Johnny on video. He's a star!

In the first 5 seconds, he's a little hard to see (you can see the white tip of his black paw on some proofs I was working on), but in the last 5 seconds, his handsomeness will stun you! haha! He's gorgeous!

click HERE to see him.

(I had to remove the embedded video--it was dramatically slowing down the download of my blog. Sorry... Click the link above though--that should do it for you!)

2.5 years Later, My Digital Camera Works!

Here's Frankie on the glass coffee table in my living room,
with Johnny looking befuddled
in the background by the French doors.

Frankie doesn't know that you're not supposed to close your eyes when
you're having your picture taken. Silly her.

Johnny looking befuddled, as usual. Duh. :)

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

He Missed Near His Armpits...

Oh my. I think he likes tattoos.

The Synergy of Internal Cleansing and House Cleaning

Before I begin a two-week internal cleanse that I was talked into following by a friend, I need to tell you the following. Please pay close attention.

1. If I don't live through the internal cleanse (and I may not--it has some strange stuff in it), don't blame me for the excessive paperwork in the corners of my bedroom and what you find under my bed. I've always been told it is important to save receipts, memorabilia, old photos, writing samples, correspondence, past work, etc. So I have a few papers lying around--or in storage containers, or in drawers, or in bags. Don't hate me or talk about me in my absence. It's not nice, especially when a dead person can't defend themselves.
2. There are computers on the floor in my office. In fact, there are three of them, all of them are operable, and all are formatted with Windows 98. I was afraid to throw them out due to identity-theft problems, but now that I'll be dead from this two-week internal-cleansing routine, either reformat the hard drives or learn to love Windows 98 all over again.
3. My refrigerator really needs a good cleaning (the cleaning crew doesn't do refrigerators, and neither do I), and no, I don't really know what's in that green bowl at the back on the bottom shelf. I'm afraid to look. From a distance, it appears both squishy and shriveled at the same time. So I'll just leave it for you. Please remember the already-discussed inappropriateness of speaking badly about a dead person and how your own life will be horribly affected by your rudeness toward the dead. Think it over before you make some snide remark.
4. Please don't be horrified by the fact that I keep salt near my computer. And please don't laugh that I might have 10-11 cans of Campbell's Tomato Soup in the kitchen cabinets. I must have Campbell's Tomato Soup on hand at all times. Or Campbell's Cream of Chicken.
5. Don't put me down for owning more socks in every imaginable pattern than you will even need in your lifetime. You can never own enough socks. Or underwear.
6. I own over 250 sweaters, yet wear pretty much the same 5 every winter because they are the warmest and most comfortable. Dead people don't need sweaters, so be sure to distribute them among yourselves or give them to Good Will.

Wait a minute!
The friend who insisted I try the internal cleanse in the first place just called to say that the cleansing will not kill me, and it will in fact make me a healthier individual. So you can forget about the refrigerator, the paperwork, and the old computers. Forget about the underwear, sweaters, and socks, and every thing I said . . . my apartment is perfect just the way it is.

I'll go through the paperwork soon; and I'll try to reformat the computer hard drives when I have a chance; and I'll deal with the green bowl at the back of the fridge tomorrow . . . or not.

What? Is there some rush?

Monday, October 09, 2006

The Swimming Pool Restroom

A post from my Windows Live Spaces blog, from August 1, before I moved to Blogger... The day was hot, 100 degrees, and I was very cranky. Every time I read this it cracks me up.

The Swimming Pool Restroom

The temperature is going to be 100 today and will rise to 101+ tomorrow. Oh, yeah, this is going to be "fun."

I'm filling the guest bathtub with cold water and leaving it there as my swimming pool. While we have a large pool right here at The Fortress--my humongo apartment building--I have this thing about multiple-user pools: I don't want to be in them.

Human elimination in swimming pools was always something I blamed on children with lazy parents who hadn't passed down instructions that it is uncouth to eliminate in the water rather than use the restroom. But now I realize that grown-ups are often just as guilty of this practice.

I have swum through too many warm-water areas in pools to be unaware of this problem.

Some people have told me, "That doesn't bother me. They use chlorine in the pool"--as if this makes it better. It doesn't. They can use dump trucks' worth of chlorine in the pool as far as I'm concerned. If I swallow water while swimming, I'm swallowing water, pee, and chlorine.

I don't want to swim in other people's urine, I'm funny that way. My bathtub's going to serve as my swimming pool. Oh sure, Frankie & Johnny may occasionally drink from it, but they don't swim in it. And even if they DID swim in it, they are smart enough to know not to eliminate in the same place as one swims, once again proving that cats are highly intelligent and far more respectful of others than humans.

I'm off to fill my chlorine-free, pee-free pool! Stay cool!

P.S. See those 3 people in the pool below (click on the image to enlarge it)? Two of those people are peeing in the pool right this second!

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Human Interaction Ain't What It's Cracked Up to Be

Grrr. Some people... And that's all I have to say about that. Wouldn't you agree? :)

Round 3 Answers and Winner Declared

I calculated that all players who could possibly win based on Round 1 and 2 scores had already submitted their entries for Round 3. Besides, y'all know how impatient I am. Sooooooo...

Correct answers to final Round 3

1. Sinking of the Andrea Doria; 2. Jim Fowler; 3. Prell; 4. H&H motto: "Like no other bagel in the world"; Kramer was on strike for 12 weeks; 5. He felt that very decision he had ever made had been wrong. So he does the opposite of what he would have done in the past; 6. Yada yada yada (you get credit for 2 yada yadas as well); 7. Gandhi (you get credit even if you spelled it "Ghandi" lol); 8. "Your mother's uglier than Hazel"; 9. The heel of her shoe (I'll accept either heel or shoe); 10. It's installed backwards (a reverse peephole); 11. Courtney Cox; 12. Duck lamp; 13. Urban Sombrero; 14. Close talker; 15. Dennis Franz (NYPD Blue); 16. Peach Schnapps; 17. Kel Varnsen; 18. Sentence finisher; 19. Xena the Warrior; 20. Yev Kasem

Final scores Round 3
Chris-17; Mr. Fab- 16.5; Jen-15.5; Jane-12; Mixednut-7; Sushiboy-5


Chris: 44; Mr. Fab:42.5;
Jen: 41; Jane: 31;
Mixednut: 28.5; Sushiboy:18

Congratulations, Chris!!

England's Queen Elizabeth
has stopped by to bestow upon you
the much treasured and coveted
Zed's Seinfeld Quiz medal. Bravo, Chris!

I hope you all enjoyed participating in Zed's Seinfeld Quiz. In the future, I will present other quizzes as well on various topics because time is just sitting there, waiting to be filled. :)

Friday, October 06, 2006

Round 2 Answers, Zed's Seinfeld Quiz

The final round, Round 3, can be found immediately below this post.

Correct Answers to Round 2 Questions
1. cigar store Indian; 2. mulligatawny; 3. Jackie Chiles; 4. Buck Naked; 5. a hand model; 6. Tweety; 7. Takes the book into the bathroom; 8. Frogger; 9. Prickly Pete and Snoopy; 10. blood; 11. Latvian Orthodox; 12. Rooster; 13. Joe DiMaggio; 14. Bosco; 15. a. Kevin (Jerry), Gene (George), and Feldman (Kramer). b. the Newman character was Fargas; 16. New Jersey Devils; 17. The Maestro. Scores for Round 2 Chris-17; Mr. Fab-16 (he is however challenging the mulligatawny" answer for #2) ; Jen-15.5 (The answer "Orthodox" to #11 is incomplete. It's Latvian Orthodox. And Vargus is incorrect; it should be Fargus. But #15 is a two-part question, so you get 1/2 credit for that); mixednut-11.5; jane-10; sushiboy-5 (I laughed the entire way through your answers. Funny! I'm glad you still have good humor about this!); javajabber--I know. I didn't know the answers either, so don't feel bad. It's just there were a few complaints that the first round was "too easy." Wait until you see Round 3! Again sorry. Next time I'll have a "gentler, kinder" quiz.
Running totals so far: Chris-27; Mr. Fab-26; Jen-25.5; Mixednut-21.5; Jane-19; Sushiboy-13
Once again, check that I added up your score correctly, because I hate math. Yes, I admitted it.

Third Round of Zed's Seinfeld Quiz

THIS IS THE LAST ROUND OF QUESTIONS. There are 20 questions in all. (I was going to post this tomorrow, but I have no patience whatsoever.)

The winner of Zed's Seinfeld Quiz will be announced on Sunday. Good luck to you all!

1. George is about to move into a new apartment, but finds out that the tenant association has decided to give the apartment to another person, someone who has survived what catastrophe?
2. Kramer changes the format of his living room "show" to an animal show. Who is his guest with a hawk?
3. What kind of shampoo does Jerry use?
4. What is the motto of H & H Bagels, and how long was Kramer on strike?
5. What theory on life did George start when he states "I'm George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents" while meeting an attractive woman?
6. What vague yet catchy phrase did George's girlfriend Marcy use to gloss over pertinent details of a story?
7. Jerry, Elaine and George do volunteer work with the elderly. Jerry and George get old men, and Elaine gets a woman with a huge goiter. With whom does Elaine's "patient" have stories of having a torrid love affair?
8. When George is a kid, other kids say a taunt to him about his mother. What is the taunt?
9. What does Elaine get stuck/jammed in Kramer's meat slicer?
10. What's different about the peephole Kramer installs in his apartment?
11. Jerry and his girlfriend tell the drycleaners that they are married so they get the married-couple discount. Uncle Leo spots them in the drycleaner and tells Jerry's parents that Jerry is married. Who plays Jerry's "wife"?
12. In Newman's apartment, what kind of lamp is directly behind the couch on the table?
13. What item did Elaine select to use on the cover of her first J Peterman Catalog?
14. Aaron (Judge Reinhold) was a boyfriend of Elaine's that took an extreme interest in Morty and Helen, Jerry's parents. What was Aaron's highly noticable communication trait?
15. What follicle-challenged celebrity does George have a poster of in his bathroom?
16. What could be used as a truth serum for Elaine? I'm looking for a specific type of product.
17. What is Jerry's alter ego name? (NOT his bizarro name--his alter ego name.)
18. What conversational trait did Jerry's girlfriend Lisa exhibit? She was a _______ (one of those little buzz phrazes)...
19. In the final episode, what TV show did Morty Seinfeld claim to be the only one he watched?
20. What is the real name of the Soup Nazi?

Round 1 answers and scores can be found several posts down. Round 2 answers and score will be posted Saturday.

Worst Jobs in the World

What would you consider one of the worst jobs in the world?

This question came up when I was heading to the nail salon and thought about the pedicurist who must handle feet all day long and those feet are held within inches of her face. Ugly feet, corned feet, smelly feet, dirty feet ... right under her nose--yuck! I nominate pedicurists as having one of the worst jobs in the world.

Another one would be fish mongers. They cut off the heads of fish, throw the fish around and get fish guts all over themselves. The mongers wind up smelling like dead, rotten fish, and no matter how much they wash or how much they try, that smell does not leave them. It's DISGUSTING, oh yes it is.

Who would you nominate as having the worst job in the world?
Put your answers in the comments section please.

Round 1 Answers, Zed's Seinfeld Quiz


1.b; 2.b; 3.c; 4.d; 5.e; 6.e; 7. c; 8. c; 9. d; 10. c

Mr. Fab-10; mixednut-10; Jen-10; Chris-10; Zed-10 (just kidding); Jane-9; JavaJabber-9; Sushiboy-8; Teri-7

If I missed anyone, please let me know. If I added your score incorrectly, let me know (I'm a writer, not a mathematician.) If you missed this round, it is too late to enter the contest. Sorry... But I'll have additional quizzes in the future you can enter. I promise. And I'm as honest as the day is long. :)

Second Round of Zed's Seinfeld Quiz

These 2nd-round questions in Zed's Seinfeld Quiz are tougher than Round 1 questions. They are NOT in mutiple-choice format. You need to provide one answer only. Round 2 is over at 11:59, Saturday.

Here we go. Good luck. 17 questions in all. Don't look at other people's answers--we're working on the honor system here. Bwaaahaaahaahaaa! No, really.

1. What gift does Jerry give Elaine that causes someone to think he is racially insensitive?
2. What kind of soup does Kramer get from the Soup Nazi (supply a specific soup name)?
3. What is the name of the lawyer who represents Kramer several times and then represents the whole Seinfeld gang in the final episode (supply first and last names)?
4. According to George, what would he call himself if he became a porn actor (full name)?
5. What type of a model did George once become?
6. What type of Pez dispenser does Jerry have in the Pez dispenser episode (which model)?
7. While at a book store with Jerry, what does George do with a book that makes the store insist that he buy it--and then when he tries to return it he is refused?
8. In a pizza palor, George sees his high score still stands on a video machine and buys the machine. What video game is it?
9. In a episode after Susan died, George bluffed and told her parents he had a place in the Hamptons; they called his bluff and wanted to go. On the drive to the Hamptons, he told of his fantasy home. What was the name of the two horses he said he owned?
10. When Kramer borrowed Jerry's car, what "body fluid" did he use to fill the radiator when it overheated?
11. What religion does George convert in order to keep his girlfriend from breaking up with him?
12. What kind on animal (a pet of Kramer's) was "Little Jerry Seinfeld"?
13. What sport figure does Kramer think he sees in a Dinky Donuts shop?
14. What is George's ATM PIN code?
15. a. Name the 3 characters who were George, Jerry and Cosmo's bizarro counterparts?
b. What was the Newman bizarro called?
16. What was Puddy's favorite NHL team?
17. Who gave Kramer "the balm" that helped heal his burn?

Round 3 questions can be found on Saturday a.m. and must be completed by Sunday, 11:59 pm.
The winner will be announced on Monday.

Here's Doctor Mom cheering for the participants. Rah-rah!! Siss-boom-bah!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

You Wanted a Quiz about Seinfeld?

Can you win the Zed's Seinfeld Quiz? Not only will Jen and Mr. Fab battle it out online, but anyone else who wants to participate may enter this contest.

You may not GOOGLE THE ANSWERS or in any other way search out the answers on the internet or in trivia books. You either know the answers from your head or you do not. NO CHEATING please--the only thing on the line here is being named Seinfeld Quiz Champion. You will NOT win money, food, or tickets to The World Series, The Olympics, or The Super Bowl. But we will admire you. A lot.

There will be 3 rounds of questions. At the end of each round, we will determine who is in the lead. The questions will start out easy and get progressively more difficult. This round of questioning ends October 6, one minute to midnight. Please submit your answers in the comments section in the form of: 3. A, 4. C., etc., etc.

Are you ready?

Here goes:

1. One of Elaine's boyfriends had the same name as what serial killer?
A. David Berkowitz
B. Joel Rifkin
C. Charles Manson
D. Jeffrey Dahmer
E. Angelo Buono

2. What food caused Jerry to break his 13-year nonvomiting streak?
A. Fizzies Sparkling Drink Tablets
B. A black-and-white cookie
C. Moxie Soda
D. Malt-o-Meal Hot Cereal
E. Menudo (Tripe soup)

3. Who caught Jerry making out during the movie "Schindler's List"?
A. Elaine
B. Uncle Leo
C. Newman
D. Crazy Joe DeVola
E. Tim Whatley

4. Jerry's parents live in what state?
A. New Jersey
B. California
C. Arizona
D. Florida
E. Hawaii

5. Who gave Jerry an Armani suit in exchange for a restaurant dinner?
A. David Puddy
B. Kramer
C. Elaine
D. Newman
E. Kenny Bania

6. What fake name does George frequently use?
A. George Vandalay
B. Homer Simpson
C. John Voight
D. Troy Hunter
E. Art Vandalay

7. What is Kramer's first name?
A. Carl
B. Karl
C. Cosmo
D. Kurt
E. Kramer

8. What is Jerry's dad's name?
A. Jay
B. Tim
C. Morty
D. Harry
E. Bernie

9. What does George do to get sleep in his office?
A. Brings in a cot
B. Bribes Welhelm
C. Keeps office door closed and locked
D. Builds a sleeping spot under his desk

10. How did Suzanne die?
A. George hired someone to do it
B. Licking toxic stamps
C. Licking toxic envelopes
D. Fell in front of a delivery truck

End of round one. Questions will get more difficult in the next round.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

A Moving Post by Jen of Casual Slack

My friend Jen of Casual Slack has kindly agreed to do a guest post for me since I'm so totally devastated by the fact that ClustrMaps still hasn't updated my map since September 21. :)

Her words and thoughts in this guest post are moving and profound. They touch the heart and soul in a way one would not expect from someone still semi-young and from Rhode Island. Sit back, pour yourself an iced tea and have a few Clamato Tortilla Chips, if you can stand them. You are about to be changed. Here's Jen's post ...

The Dwight Schrute Post

Zed just started watching The Office & of course ... she loves it!
Last week she did a post about Pam & Jim
I said ... Where is the Dwight Schrute post??
Zed said ...
You do it.
And so I did ... and here it is.

In my opinion, the greatest show of all time without a doubt is Seinfeld.
But since Seinfeld is no longer in production,
I have no choice but to pick a new favorite TV show.
And that show is The Office on NBC.

Yes ... I know ... I know the British version is funnier ...
Whatever! I haven't seen it yet--
If I get a chance, I will watch it, okay?? Now get off my freakin' back ...

Until I watch it, the American version will continue to rank high with me!
I love all the characters on The Office. I think they were cast perfectly.
Dwight Schrute is probably my favorite character,
whether he is kissing the boss's (Michael Scott) ass or the
ongoing conflict with Jim Halpert or his disturbing relationship with the office bitch Angela.
Dwight never disappoints.

I decided to just list some random Schrute facts ...
rather than ramble on about my opinions
(even though my opinions are indeed fascinating).

Dwight Kurt Schrute III
portrayed by Rainn Wilson

A salesman at Dunder-Mifflin,
a paper-goods distribution company in Scranton, PA.
Dwight is trained in the art of surveillance and is a former
Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy.
He maintains a volunteer position as a security official at Dunder-Mifflin.
He is a purple belt in karate, and calls himself a senpai.

Dwight loves Count Chocula. Dwight's sporting streak tends
toward paintball, karate, and lasertag.
He also has a "crossbow range" in his house.
Dwight also mentions that he has a bo staff, and hints
that he will bring it in after he is awarded the position
of being the official security supervisor of the Scranton branch.

Dwight drives a maroon mid-1980s Pontiac Firebird.
He also knows how to make traditional baby dolls from corn husks.

Dwight is in a secretive relationship with Angela, the head of Accounting,
which is unknown to most of the office employees.

Dwight is musically talented as well. He has been known to jam
on the guitar and the recorder. His repertoire includes
"Greensleeves," "The Longest Time," "Mambo No. 5," and "Teach Your Children."

He always wears a Casio calculator watch.

More facts here.

Schrute Quotes
Jim: You work here, don't you want good insurance?
Dwight: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
Jim: Ok, well if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
Dwight: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute ... and superior brain-power.
Through concentration I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.

Dwight: That's why you have an assistant regional manager.
Michael: Yes it is! ... assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight: Same thing.
Michael: No it's not; it's lower.
Dwight: It's close.

Watch The Dwight Schrute Mix Tape Here
Visit Schrute Space Here

And be sure to watch The Office
Thursday nights on NBC 8:30 / 7:30 Central

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

It's Irish Day At Last!!

Welcome to Irish Day!!
a service brought to you free of charge by The World According to Zed

I am bringing:

1 map of Ireland
5 Lepruchans
5 bottles of Irish Mist to make Irish Coffee
Clover (not 4-leaf clover, but clover)A stick-figure version of Lord of the Dance with Michael Flatley. To see it: Click here or the picture. You'll love it! Click!

Hugh Jackman
Colin Farrell
Julia Roberts (because Mel says Julia Roberts is Irish, but I doubt it)
Clamato tortilla chips, because they are greatly loved in every country!

Come to the party! What are YOU bringing?

In the comments section, list one or two items of food, drinks, books, songs, people dead or alive, insects, birds, fish, animals, attire, etc., that you plan on contributing to this all-day all-night party to help make it rock. And don't forget to think IRISH, people. It's IRISH DAY for crying out loud!!

Monday, October 02, 2006

Irish Day on Wednesday! Get Ready!

Wednesday is Irish Day in The World According to Zed. Please plan ahead what you will be bringing. I'll be doing a few Irish jigs and will be wearing red tartan. Even my shoes and hat will be red tartan! And I'll bring along a map of this beautiful country.

So... plan now what you will bring. We'll need food, drinks, clothing, songs, dances, people (living or dead), animals, insects, fish, jokes, and a few good tenors!

Hugh Jackman
will be there, ladies, as well as Conan O'Brien and Colin Farrell. I might invite Mary, Queen of Scots for the men. There aren't many famous Irish women. Please bring one if you can find one. For those who were wondering, no invite has been issued to Sinead O'Connor.

Come join the fun on Wednesday's Irish Day! See you then!