Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The Synergy of Internal Cleansing and House Cleaning

Before I begin a two-week internal cleanse that I was talked into following by a friend, I need to tell you the following. Please pay close attention.

1. If I don't live through the internal cleanse (and I may not--it has some strange stuff in it), don't blame me for the excessive paperwork in the corners of my bedroom and what you find under my bed. I've always been told it is important to save receipts, memorabilia, old photos, writing samples, correspondence, past work, etc. So I have a few papers lying around--or in storage containers, or in drawers, or in bags. Don't hate me or talk about me in my absence. It's not nice, especially when a dead person can't defend themselves.
2. There are computers on the floor in my office. In fact, there are three of them, all of them are operable, and all are formatted with Windows 98. I was afraid to throw them out due to identity-theft problems, but now that I'll be dead from this two-week internal-cleansing routine, either reformat the hard drives or learn to love Windows 98 all over again.
3. My refrigerator really needs a good cleaning (the cleaning crew doesn't do refrigerators, and neither do I), and no, I don't really know what's in that green bowl at the back on the bottom shelf. I'm afraid to look. From a distance, it appears both squishy and shriveled at the same time. So I'll just leave it for you. Please remember the already-discussed inappropriateness of speaking badly about a dead person and how your own life will be horribly affected by your rudeness toward the dead. Think it over before you make some snide remark.
4. Please don't be horrified by the fact that I keep salt near my computer. And please don't laugh that I might have 10-11 cans of Campbell's Tomato Soup in the kitchen cabinets. I must have Campbell's Tomato Soup on hand at all times. Or Campbell's Cream of Chicken.
5. Don't put me down for owning more socks in every imaginable pattern than you will even need in your lifetime. You can never own enough socks. Or underwear.
6. I own over 250 sweaters, yet wear pretty much the same 5 every winter because they are the warmest and most comfortable. Dead people don't need sweaters, so be sure to distribute them among yourselves or give them to Good Will.

Wait a minute!
The friend who insisted I try the internal cleanse in the first place just called to say that the cleansing will not kill me, and it will in fact make me a healthier individual. So you can forget about the refrigerator, the paperwork, and the old computers. Forget about the underwear, sweaters, and socks, and every thing I said . . . my apartment is perfect just the way it is.

I'll go through the paperwork soon; and I'll try to reformat the computer hard drives when I have a chance; and I'll deal with the green bowl at the back of the fridge tomorrow . . . or not.

What? Is there some rush?


Anonymous mixednut said...

Do not under-estimate the versatility of Cream of Mushroom.

Oct 10, 2006, 1:23:00 AM  
Blogger Mel said...


I have spoken. I mean if you did it would be awful for me!! Well it would be pretty bad for you too but Its all about me today :)

I am a cream of chicken gal and hubby is a tomato soup guy.

Oct 10, 2006, 5:40:00 AM  
Blogger Sans Pantaloons said...

Zed, I'm glad the internal cleansing will not kill you. That would not be nice, both for you, and your adoring readers, of which I am but one.
However the external cleansing of 1-6 may raise your anxiety level sufficient for apoplexy. I find myself in a similar environment to your good self;
1. With me, vertical stacking occurs. Stalagmites of paper grow spontaneously upwards.
2. Yes, computers everywhere, again vertical stacking occurs. Win98 is a good choice, however I'm still using it. My stored computers are DOS 3.1.
3. Life in fridge is new replacement ZED. We may have to wait a few eons for it/she/he to evolve sufficiently to reformat the Win98 machines in 2.
4. Very Andy Warhol. Shows you have good taste.
5. Socks - two required. Underwear - not required by me. Socks matching? - not required. Nerd factor for socks not matching? - Twelve.
6. Sweaters. Absolutely required for winter. I do not know the Good Will person of whom you speak, but I will give him a hug when we meet.

Enjoy your cleansing!

Oct 10, 2006, 6:13:00 AM  
Anonymous Zed said...

mixednut, Campbell's Cream of Mushroom is in third place, only because I sometimes wonder where they're getting those mushrooms. But ... mmm mmm good!

Mel--they assure me I won't die. We'll see. Well,you guys'll see. Hmmph! And yes, I'll try not to die so it won't be awful for you. :)

sans--Hey there you are! Making notes: vertical stacking of paper; wait for evolution of what's in green bowl for reformatting of computers--check! I LIKE that one!!

Oct 10, 2006, 9:34:00 AM  
Blogger Nobody said...

That's great that you aren't going ot be dead (soon). Now get your ass to work and clean that fridge out.

Oct 10, 2006, 11:12:00 AM  
Blogger Teri said...

anything that sits in my fridge and starts growing legs I tend to throw out, container and all. I'm squeamish that way.

as far as the 50 computers, why don't you donate them?

Oct 10, 2006, 12:00:00 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

will you Cleanse my house when
you're done?

You know you dig the ocean state
come on up!

Oct 10, 2006, 2:57:00 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

This reminds me...am I in your will yet?

Better get on that.

Oct 10, 2006, 4:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haa Haa! Here at Sushiboy's house we buy cream of chicken, cream of mushroom and tomato soup by the case! It has something to do with having enough food for a year and you could live forever on the stuff right?? right?? Hee hee!

Oct 10, 2006, 5:26:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

nobody--I can't! I hate refrigerators. It's dark in there! Maybe I can hire someone...

Oct 10, 2006, 6:30:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

Mr. Fab, you're getting your fair share. You'll be able to live in luxury.

Think mansion. Think hired help. Think never having to work again. lol

Oct 10, 2006, 6:34:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

Superwoman, I like your style. :)

Oct 10, 2006, 6:35:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

to my sisters, Teri and Jen (newly adopted),

Teri, As soon as I can get all the stuff off the computers I can donate them. I just have to make sure I'm not destroying anything I need before I reformat the hard drives.

Jen, I can't today. How's tomorrow? I need to see Travis. Your place will shine!

Oct 10, 2006, 6:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Mattie said...

Just a suggestion ~~~

just pull the hard drives out. Hard drives are cheap these days. Whoever you donate it to would be happy to buy a new one anyway.

Then hammer them into pieces. It'll feel good too!

Oct 10, 2006, 9:40:00 PM  
Blogger Teresa said...

Ok you can't die on me. If you do, trust me I will find a way to make you miserbable when I get there.
Now about the socks. I too love socks. Hubby has told me most people have a sock drawer, I have a sock dresser, lol. Soups, one cannot have enough of those, especially the cream ones.

Whoops, I missed something, it won't kill you. Well I am still holding to my threat, got it.

Not quite up with you on the sweaters. YET!!

Oct 10, 2006, 10:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Zed said...

Teresa, on Friday, I threw out 3 bags full of socks, but I'm still drowning in them. We only have two feet, why do we feel we need so many?
As for the sweaters,I'm going to get some bags ready to give away to the poor. They need the sweaters, I don't.
And yep, I know I won't die from the internal cleansing, I was just kidding, you know me long enough for that. But now I definitely won't die if you're going to make me miserable in a dead condition. :)
How come you always show up to cheer me up when I feel bad? You have a way... :) Thanks, Teresa.

Oct 10, 2006, 10:32:00 PM  

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