Merry Christmas, Everyone!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!

Errors, Errors, and More Errors!

I was working on an about-to-be published history book a few months ago, and as I was going through I noticed that many of the dates were either:

1. incorrect

OR

2. inconsistent (a certain war was said to have started in, say, 1756 in one place, 1757 in another, and 1759 near the end of the book). Which is it people? Pick ONE.

There was a time when publishing was far more about quality and accuracy than about profit and schedules. Now it's "You've got 1-2 weeks to edit this 1,000-page book. IT CANNOT SLIP OUT OF SCHEDULE!!!" Editors used to spend 6-8-10 weeks making sentences perfect and facts accurate. I remember literally studying each and every sentence in a manuscript for phrasing and accuracy. But that was so long ago. Now everything is "Hurry up! We need it NOW!" Bye-bye correct phrasing and overall accuracy.

It's so sad that an industry that was for so many years consumed by the issue of quality is now run by financial guys interested only in the bottom line. Change is not always a good thing.

Yep, definitely sad.

Another Target Trip--Does It Get Any Better?

I'm feeling mighty cranky today ... so it must be time for a visit to Target's!!!

Here's what I'm getting:

A new cordless phone

Body butter (this one's the best, by Boots U.K.)

I'm going to make Fluffy Tapioca Pudding for guests. You haven't lived until you've tried Fluffy Tapioca Pudding. Oh no you haven't.

Reddi Wip, to top off caramel frappuccinos for the same
most-fortunate guests (okay, one for me alone as well when no guests are here). Because.

That's it. Can I pick up up something at Target's?

Ugh. A Meme Stolen from Dick Small

THE CHRISTMAS MEME

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Gift cards IN gift bags.
2. Real or artificial tree? I have a real FICUS that I wrap with lights.

3. When do you put up the tree? You mean when do I put the LIGHTS on the FICUS??? I'm aiming for Friday.
4. When do you take the tree down? I'll take the lights off the tree during the first week of January--or in June. Whenever I get around to it.
5. Do you like eggnog? Love it.
6. Favorite gift you received as a child? A ballerina doll.
7. Do you have a nativity scene? No. It's astonishing I even have a tree.
8. Hardest person to buy for? My mother. She's incredibly fussy for her age.
9. Easiest person to buy for? The super. He wants cold hard cash.
10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? An envelope from my millionaire aunt--it had $5.00 in it.
11. Christmas cards... I don't send cards. Bah, humbug. :)
12. Favorite Christmas movie? It's a Wonderful Life.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? First week of December.
14. Have you ever "recycled" a Christmas present? Yes. At least twice. (Hanging head in shame.) Does it help to say I was desperate and the recipient was pleased? No? Oh.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Anything with fat, sugar, and lots of calories.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Why, color. Of course. Clear and white lights are boring. TO ALL THE CLEAR AND WHITE LIGHT LOVERS: But what do I know?
17. Favorite Christmas songs? Silent Night; Oh Come All Ye Faithful; We Three Kings, etc.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel.
19. Can you name Santa's reindeer? Rudolph. Feel free to name the rest yourself people.
20. Do you have an angel or a star on top of your tree? Neither. Why? You want to make something of it?
21. Open the presents Christmas eve or morning? Sometime during Christmas Day since I travel.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The extreme commercialism of the holiday.
23. Shopping mall or on-line? Both. This meme is incredibly LONG!!
24. Do you decorate outside for Christmas or just inside (or at all?). Both. Is the meme almost over? I'm exhausted.
25. Favorite Christmas cookie? Sugar cookies. With colored sprinkles and in shapes.
26. Do you own Christmassy clothing or jewelry? Good grief, no.

27. Do you believe in Santa? I can't say. I don't want to spoil it for others. I'll bet you all still believe in him.

I Wonder If She Killed Him ...

Fifteen years ago when I moved to this building, I brought with me my cat Muffin. She was tough and totally disobedient. She'd get in bed with me for 30 minutes or so and then prowl the apartment all night long, as if we lived in the jungle.

We were here only three days when, at 4 or 5 A.M., Muffin jumped up on the night table next to my bed and knocked over a tall, heavy lamp onto the uncarpeted wooden floors. The lamp fell so hard that it put a dent in the flooring.

I could hear the man downstairs shout out in alarm as he was awakened from his sleep.

The next morning the man went to church at 10 A.M., and had a massive heart attack and died in his pew by 10:30. To this day, I think Muffin's "accident" killed him.

Muffin died in 2002 of a massive heart attack as well. How very ironic, huh? The killer cat ...

Can't Get Enough ...

Yeah, I've been gone again, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah. I did miss you guys though--a lot. Work always gets in the way ... Would anyone like to support me so I can blog full time? Anyone? Anyone?

Here's something to keep you busy in the meantime. Cracked me up.

CLICK HERE

I'll officially be back by Friday.

She's Just Plain Scary

Squash Talk

I have to begin work in about 10 minutes if I'm ever going to finish this editing job, but I have The Today Show running on cable in the background and I'm wondering what genius thought 4 hours of this morning show was something the American people craved every single morning. FOUR HOURS! Two hours is more than enough! The network is acting out of desperation. Isn't NBC last in the ratings war? Well, this strategy isn't going to get them out of the ratings pit.

Just now two of The Today Show hosts spent 10 minutes raving over winter squash. Why? Why? And a guest demonstrated a recipe for Winter Squash Galette, which they all drooled over as if it were filet mignon or Beef Wellington. Again, may I ask why? Their very drooling was an act of desperation.

A dinner-party host once tried to convince me that spaghetti squash tasted "just like pasta." I was so ready to love it. But how could I? It tasted like squash. Who was that guy trying to kid?!


So here's the point: Because of The Today Show's desperation for interest talking points, this morning I was subjected to squash talk and reminded that spaghetti squash is disgusting and does not taste like pasta. My day is ruined.

Change the channel? What, I should get UP? (I've misplace my remote. Again.)

I'm Studying the Map

I've been studying my Clustrmap, and I noticed I have 2-18 people from Iceland visiting this site in the last few weeks or so. And I must admit I cannot understand how anyone from Iceland can even find The World According to Zed--do the people of Iceland even have electricity to run their desktop computers?

Okay, yes, they probably have electricity. But did you ever wonder how electricity gets there? Iceland is in the middle of nowhere. It's surrounded by ocean and about 1/8 of an inch above it on the map is the Arctic Circle--and ice and snow and more ice and more snow.

Could Icelandians have gotten England to run cables or wires under the ocean ALL THE WAY TO ICELAND to get electricity there--and cable TV? Wouldn't the polar bears have eaten the cables/wires? They can't ALL--all 25 Icelandians--be wireless! And if the boat that brings food breaks down, they could all (25 or so Iclandians) starve--but that's a whole other issue. Do you see, Iceland? I worry about you! We're compadres! :) Don't ever leave!

On my previous Clustrmap, which was archived in August, China was a pretty regular visitor. And now with the new map, they have disappeared. Do I need to I remind the Chinese government that I have had many Chinese objects d'art in my apartment over the years, as well as dishes, mugs, and a silk robe from that country? And I occasionally shop at the dollar store. And you know how many items from China are at the dollar store. So, where are you, China?

And Russia, don't even get me started on Russia, mostly because they poison people they don't like--and I want them to keep liking me. I LOVE RUSSIA!! I really really really do!

The best dot on the map is the one on a little tiny island to the east of Madagascar called Mauritius, another place no one lives. So if no one lives there, who's checking out my blog? The wild birds? Ship-wrecked pirates? Treasure hunters? (Hey, if you find treasure while reading my blog, international law says you must give me half. Just sayin'.)

So many countries, so little time. But if everyone in the world would just visit The World According to Zed on a regular basis, the world would be a better place ... The harmony, the love, the peace--and the homemade manicotti. Don't ever forget the manicotti. Or my killer mashed potatoes.

Thank you.
Zed

What a Great Guest!

My friend D. asked me to join her for lunch today, and on the way to her house I almost fell asleep in my car on one of Jersey's most dangerous highways.

We went out to lunch at Panera Bread (yummy!), I managed semi-intelligent conversation, and when we got back to her house, I said hi to her husband and son, sat down, and fought off sleep as I tried to be a polite guest.

I know my mouth was moving, but God knows what was coming out of it. I think a lot of it was the ever-convincing "Uh-hum..." "Huh!" and "Hmmm!" I'm fairly certain they believed I was deep in conversation with them, but who can ever know for sure?

D. said, "You need a nap." Yep, I sure did. So she said, "Go, then. Nap." I went to sleep in their guest room and slept from 3:45 until 6:00 p.m., when they knocked to make sure I hadn't died. Or moved in.

We had dinner and I left by 7:15. What a great guest! Can I come take a nap at YOUR house?

You Think You've Got Problems

It's not that I'm competitive or anything ... well, okay, yes I am. But when Dale of Passion of the Dale wrote a comment on my Call Me!! I'm Busy!! post immediately below:

My mother never listens to anything I say but says mm hmm and then goes back to the list of people I don't know who have died lately and then says 'okay, bye' and hangs up...

I thought, he doesn't know. He just DOESN'T KNOW. Oh sure, he's knows a little, but wait. Just wait.

Mama Zed also speaks about strangers (to me) who have died, people whom I have never known, and who obviously I never WILL KNOW. Her conversations about the living can sometimes be even worse:

The Saga of Willy, John, and What's 'er Name

Mama Zed: I was talking with my friend Kathy this afternoon and she told me that her grandson Willy got in trouble in school.

Me: Uh-huh.

Mama Zed: You know Willy, right? That's John's son.

Me: I don't know John and I don't know Willy.

Mama Zed: You don't? How can that be?

Me: No, ma. Why would I know them? I live HERE and you live THERE. YOU know them.

Mama Zed: John and Willy? They're Kathy's son and grandson. They live in Atlanta, Georgia.

Me: Uh-huh. So what about them? (Why do I ask this? Why?)

Mama Zed: Willy got in trouble in school.

Me: HOW? (My nerves!)

Mama Zed: His pants were hanging too low. They were too big. I guess that's what the boys are wearing. And he was thrown out of school and sent home.

Me: Yep, that happens.

Mama Zed: And his mother was furious! You know her, right? That's Kathy's son's John's wife. You met her last year, didn't you? She's tall, attractive, a little overweight. What's her name again? Joanne? Janet? Judy?

Me: Mom, I never met her.

Mama Zed: Sure you did. She comes from Atlanta. Or is it Savannah, and she drives this really cute car. It's a Sabarku?

Me: A Sabarku? You mean a Subaru?

Mama Zed: A Sabarku, a rich dark blue. You owned one of those, didn't you?

Me: A Sabarku? Yes, a long time ago. That's nice ...

Mama Zed: And she works in a law office as a legal aide. She's got a good job and get's 4 weeks' vacation. But she has to work so many hours. She's always working and working! Just like you! I told Kathy that she works far too much. She never has time for her family. Her sister's a nun. What was her sister's name again? Maria? Martina? I forget.

Me: Uh-huh. Why are we talking about John's wife?

Mama Zed: I thought you knew her.

Me: No. So, Willy was sent home and he changed his clothes and they let him back in?

Mama Zed: Yes. He's back in school now.

Me: Well THAT'S good!! (Totally manufactured non-heart-felt enthusiasm).

Mama Zed: They're a nice family. You'd like them. What was the wife's name again?

And you wonder why I don't always have time to blog.

Call Me!! I'm Busy!!

Oh, alright. If I have to blog, I will. I've been working 16- to 18-hour days, and two days last week I fell asleep in front of my computer. How pathetic is that!?! But the good news is the work is slowing down a bit and I don't have to bore you with tidbits about biology, machining tools, or statistics. Lucky you!

Mama Zed complains nonstop when I'm busy with work and I don't call her enough in Florida. So I made a promise to myself to call her every single day this week. However, each day I called, she couldn't talk because she was "busy," but would call me back in 5 minutes when she was "free."

Her excuses??

Day 1: I can't talk. I'm eating ice cream. Let me call you back.
Day 2: I can't talk. I'm hanging out the wash. Let me call you back.
Day 3: I can't talk. I'm watching Dancing with the Stars. Let me call you back.
Day 4: I can't talk. Marie stopped by for coffee and some cookies. Let me call you back.
Day 5: I can't talk. I'm on my way to Winner's World (a casino). Let me call you back.
Day 6: I can't talk. I just sat down to dinner. Let me call you back.
Day 7: I can't talk. I'm on my way to the cemetery to visit your father and sister. Let me call you back.

Okay, first I like to say, what's the problem with being on the phone while you eat ice cream? Huh? Second, everyone knows Dancing with the Stars is garbage this year. And as for Day 7, I would guess that Dad and Carole can wait for us to have a 2-minute phone call--don't you? They are no longer living.

One-Day Freedom

Tons of work and constant attention to the Britney Spears
downward spiral/custody loss/heading-to-the-cuckoo-bin fiasco
has led to a state of combined boredom and stress.
I'm boring myself to death in a stressful way! :)
Enough already! May TMZ, Perez Hilton, and X17 fall on extremely bad times ...

So tomorrow, my first day off in 3 weeks (including weekends),
I'm going to go to
(1) Target, (2) lunch with a friend, (3) the bank and post office.
Do I live an exciting life or what?!!

Any suggestions to make it a memorable day?

Make it good, because I'm heading back to work on Saturday. Please help!

Thanks! <--An exclamation point! <--ooh, another! <--ad infinitum!

Addictions

My top-ten current addictions include the following:

1. Coca-Cola (regular)

2. The Britney Spears fiasco (loss of children/downward spiral)

3. The Ellen DeGeneres Show

4. Sleeping late/staying up late

5. Home-made pasta

6. D-Listed.com

7. Sudoku (I can't stop! Even the advanced ones! Betty-Ford-Clinic addicted!)

8. Snuggling with Frankie & Johnny (my tuxedo cats)

9. Driving in my Toyota Scion with music blasting

10. My computer (I can't step away. Why can't I step away?!!)

If you've got addictions, what are they? I bet they're better more fascinating than mine. :)

Cancel the Memorial Service

You can call off the Memorial service and send the professional mourners home. I didn't die.

The Zicam kicked in, working in conjunction with Listerine (my breath was more than superb, thank you!!), and one 1/3 dose of Nyquil.

Another night I had cognac latte (I learned about that one during one of my living-in-Europe episodes) and put on three blankets to try to sweat out the cold.

Twenty years ago I walked into a hospital in Rome with the worst bronchitis ever and said, "I need help, I'm dying." Yes, that was dumb to say; but it got their attention. A young doctor took me on the side, listened with his stethoscope to my wheezing, whiny breathing and turned to make some notes on paper. He opened a cabinet, took several bottles of medication out and handed them to me, saying, "Here take these." He also told me, "If you want to get well quicker, go to the liquor store and buy some cognac and put a good amount into hot milk. Drink this several times a day, and you will be well by the end of the week."

It worked without my ever having to take the meds. Who knew?

And under socialized medicine, I didn't have to pay a dime for the meds, doctor's time, or the advice.

Glad to be back! Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Seeking a Remedy ...

I've been super-stressed. And so, of course, I now have a heavy-duty cold. Ker-choooooooo!



Sorry. I'll be back soon. I hope you are all well!

Anyone have any good cold remedies? List 'em please! Thank you!

Men in Planes

Another episode of "Men and Their Toys" ...



Click HERE.

Collation

My apologies for not posting for two days, but I've been busy working on books about machinery and machinery systems (captivatingly zzzzz) , acting (I think I'll become an actress; I could win an Academy Award! I've still got my speech ready...), teaching and classroom diversity (another zzzzz), and other fascinating topics.

I even have a book coming up about collation. How much is there to say about collation? Do they mean, like, the collating of papers that come out of a desktop printer? Probably not. I'm worried it's about this:



But one must pay the monthly maintenance, so I take whatever work I'm given. I can stop TOMORROW if you people would just get together and pay my maintenance for me. Sheesh, what's the problem?!

Oh Really ... ?!!!!!!

See these? !!!!!!! I'm quite addicted to using them. I mean, it's not as if I'm addicted to some DRUG or ALCOHOL or something. Using exclamation points is a harmless exercise in studied enthusiasm and an expression of urgency. Or so I thought.

Last week I asked a neighbor if I could use her fax machine since mine was broken. BIG MISTAKE. The first attempt failed. So she took my cover sheet and an invoice I was sending to a textbook editor and she shuffled the pages. In shuffling them, she noticed several !! on my handwritten cover sheet: "Hi Sue, did you ever get a chance to send me the manuscript for that computer book you asked me to edit for you? I really need it soon in order to complete this job on time! Could you please send it asap? Thanks so much!! Zed"

Neighbor: I wouldn't leave those exclamation points in there.
Me: Why?
Neighbor: Because that's rude. It's as if you're yelling at her. Why would you want to yell at her?
Me: I'm not yelling at her. I know this woman for 15 years--we're friends. We write to each other like this all the time ...
Neighbor: Well, when I receive a note like this at work, with all those marks on it, I rip it up. I don't even read it. I'm not going to put up with that--I don't want to be spoken to in that manner.
Me: What manner?
Neighbor: Rudely. It's as if you're yelling at her. I'd just rip it up!

See that last exclamation point attached to the neighbor's final comment? I added that just to be obnoxious.

Here are some more, lady:

!!!!!

Post Cards from the Tri-State

Sushiboy asked me to bring back a postcard from the post office. I brought back three 'cause I'm just like that. Accommodating.

Here you go, one from each state in the NY Tristate:

Mystic, Connecticut

Ellis Island, looking toward Manhattan, circa 1999. It looks older than that to me! In fact this photo looks about 30 years old, doesn't it? With hand-painted color?

The Pulaski Skyway, New Jersey (near Newark)

I'm including this postcard instead of a beautiful one for the fine state of New Jersey because the powers that be just figured out that this humongous bridge was built using the same exact method employed to construct the bridge that collapsed in Minnesota. They now plan to rebuild the Pulaski Skyway over the course of 20 years. Sounds like fun for all.

There you go, Sushiboy. I aim to please!

Post Office Run

I'm running to the post office. Do you need anything while I'm there?

My Preachin' Post--Amen!

This morning this big black ominous cloud hung over the Hudson River and I thought, "This could be it--the end of me." I started planning my demise--it was THAT ominous. :)

So I made breakfast (leftover pizza, I'm that pathetic), and by the time I was done eating, the big black ominous cloud was gone and the sun was shining.

Made me think of how we often view life. Sometimes it hits us with big black ominous clouds and we don't think we'll ever get out from under them. And we grumble, and complain, and feel oppressed and sorry for ourselves. But somehow, miraculously, when we look out the window again, the cloud has lifted, the sun's shining, and life is good again. Amen to that!

Done preachin'. Strike up the choir!

Name the Sport

I'm working on a sports book. I'm snoring. It's not about the greatest or most famous of sports, such as baseball, football, or basketball. No, it's about ANOTHER sport. Can you guess what it is?


The winner gets ... NOTHING. Because I'd have to get dressed, put on makeup, go down many floors to the parking garage, BUY the prize, drive to the post office and PAY to send whatever the prize is to you. Is your dumb one-word answer really worth all that aggravation? I say no.

What sport is the book about? Betcha can't guess.

Phrases to Kill By (Again)

Today's Phrases to Kill By include some of the hippest phrases in use today. I hate 'em.

Peace out. What does this even mean? If you want to bring about peace in your life, shouldn't the phrase be Peace IN? (Think about it. This is very deep.) Or do you mean Piece Out, as in "Please take that gun out of the building"? (I live in the NYC Tri-State, we know about these things.)

Step up to the plate What plate? Do you SEE a plate? I don't see a plate! And if there's a plate involved, does it have food on it? Because, I have no food left as well as almost no underwear (see post below), and to be honest, I'm HUNGRY.

Bling bling Shouldn't the correct phrase be "Ring Ring", "Necklace Necklace" or "Rolex Rolex"?

Keep it real, yo/keeping it real To be perfectly HONEST, I'd like to tell the person who invented this phrase: How about you just buzz off? Keep it real some place else. Honest enough for you?

Can you do me a favor? Actually, no. I can't. I'm busy washing underwear today (see post below). Hey, can you do ME a favor? Do my laundry for me, and then buzz off (see phrase Keep It Real, Yo/Keeping It Real)

Holla Don't yell at me!! Oh, it doesn't mean that? Okay. Hello?

When push comes to shove Don't shove my push or I'm calling the cops! We're not into violence around here.

Think outside the box What box? I only own shopping bags.

TMI (Too Much Information)

I'm 3 pairs short of being out of clean underwear , so I won't be around very much today due to laundry and other neglected responsibilities. (Was the almost-running-out-of-underwear thing just a little too much information for you?)

Oh, one other thing. My right hand is extremely, extremely itchy, and has been all morning. Does this mean I'm coming into millions $$$$ today? I'll share! I promise, I'll share!

What Am I, the Bank?

About 10 years ago, I worked with a woman who asked if she could borrow $100 until the next paycheck, two weeks away. I knew her for many years, and she swore she would repay the money, so I lent it to her, but emphasized that I wanted the money back when the next payday came around.

Next payday? She said she was paying me $25, but would give me the remaining $75 the following week.

The next week, she gave me $25 instead of $75, AND she did so resentfully and with attitude.

Each day I'd watch her return from lunch at a restaurant with co-workers ($$$) or with bags of clothing purchases from the local mall ($$$). Or she'd come to work in the morning to tell stories about her fun times out with friends after work at the local club or bar ($$$), at the movies ($$$) or at a concert/event ($$$). Paying me back was obvious not a top priority for her.

She still owed me $50. When the next payday came by a week later, I asked her if she had my money for me. She said no. So I sat down with her in her office and said, "Then pay me $5 a day. You can do that, right?? $5 a day for 10 days, and we're done." She looked at me quizzically and asked, "Why, do you need the money?"

Need I say more? People ...

Fish for the Timid

I am soooo not a fish eater. In childhood, the only fish we ate as a family was tuna fish bought in cans because my father wouldn't allow any other fish in the house. Well, that's not 100% true: Once my mother served some fish that lay on the plate, fully cooked, with one eye pointing up, and that was the point at which my father wouldn't allow any fish other than canned tuna in the house. The fish in that plate did NOT look happy.

So years passed and I remained in a predominately fish-less condition. I tried salmon once or twice but couldn't get past the idea that it had fins and stuff, and that, well you know, if you turned it on its side, one eye might stare up at me.

This past week a friend called to invite me to a small dinner party at her home. It sounded great until she told me what she was cooking. She was making tilapia. FISH. I'd heard of it, but I asked what else she was making to see if I could find something I could eat for dinner. She was making side dishes of asparagus (yeck!), a Vidalia onion tart (yeck!), and wild rice. Obviously she wasn't cooking for ME. :) (I' m a pill. Don't ever invite me for dinner.)



Well, I went and tried the tilapia. Who knew it was so delicious? I certainly didn't! It didn't even taste like fish. It was so good, I went back for seconds! My friend also served tiny, thin asparagus sauteed in oil and garlic that was delicious, as was the Vidalia onion tart (again, who knew???). Hey I'm finally growing up and I'm branching out. It's taken far too many years!

Now that I've eaten FISH, who knows where I'll go from here. Any suggestions for fish eating? Anyone?

My ONE Flaw

Today my blog counter passed 30,000 (PLUS approximately 5000 from my earlier blog), so I've had 35,000 visitors, and I'm just shallow enough to be proud of that.

Okay, so I have ONE flaw. Happy?

I Should Have Become a Plumber

On Friday, I found water pouring out the bottom of my guest toilet. Building maintenance said it was the flange that was broken, and they don't handle that, so I called a plumber and asked when he could come by:

Frank the Plumber: Next Wednesday. I can make it next Wednesday.

Me: Next Wednesday? Today's Friday. That's 5 days I have to wait?

Frank the Plumber: Well, it's a holiday weekend, I'm wrapping up here for the day, and I'm going to be really busy next Tuesday. So the earliest I can make it is next Wednesday.

Me: Fine. I'll see you Wednesday then. You'll be here when?

Frank the Plumber: 9:00 a.m.

It's a good thing I have two bathrooms. Of course, the second one belongs to my cats Frankie & Johnny, but then let me share it for a few days and by this morning wanted me out of there. I got up early today and I thought, "I bet the plumber doesn't remember he has an appointment with me. Watch. I'd better call him." I call Frank the Plumber.

Me: Hi, this is Zed at the Fortress. You're coming at 9:00, right?

Frank the Plumber: Do we have an appointment? Your name is Zed? We spoke? When? I don't have anything written down.

He didn't remember. Of course not.

Me: When can you be here?

Frank the Plumber: 9:00 a.m. sharp.

So he came at 10:10 and was here until 10:45. He fixed the flange and adjusted the water flow.

Frank the Plumber's charge: $325. That's $325 for 35 minutes work.

Of course handling other people's toilets is a rather messy and smelly occupation, but let's face it, Frank earns more than my doctor. Why did my parents insist I go into publishing?

A toilet.

A flange. (This is a clean one. Be happy I didn't show you a dirty one.)

Gerbils ... for Teri

Apparently Teri of Family Tree Junkie is hooked on gerbils (I found this out via Dick Small, who knows everything). And when I say "hooked" I mean totally and completely in love with them.

Gerbils are cute little creatures, as most would agree, but they are no match for Brad Pitt and George Clooney or even my ex-boyfriend Brian (Teri's friend) or my ex-fiance Peter Pan Small. They are related to rats, for heaven's sake--hence the name "desert rats." They're rodents! Cute rodents, but rodents nonetheless.

Think it over, Teri! Don't give up on humans just yet!!

I'm in Blogging Rebellion

I've been in blogging rebellion for 3 days now. I can't do it, and you can't make me. Maybe later today. It's just I have so many important things to do today:

1. Clean out the junk corner of my bedroom.
2. Check out why that red helicopter is doing circles over the Hudson River.
3. Do another Suduko puzzle.
4. Win Turtle Mania again at IBProArcade.
5. Criticize Britney on a celebrity blog.
6. Make butter cookies.
7. Watch Ellen.
8. Watch What Not to Wear.
9. Take a nap due to the shear exhaustion of the day.

Hey, I'm busy ...

UPDATE: I have thus far accomplished 3, 5, 7 and 8. I'm about to perform 9. Number 2 disappeared. I'm fighting with myself about making the cookies (6).

UPDATE #2: Dealt with: 2, 3, 5, 7, 8, 9 (twice). I haven't yet played Turtle Mania today (I'm already champion over there, ho-hum), and the junk is still in corner. Sans understands, right Sans?

ZedFly, by Sans

Look what Sans made for me!

The file is called ZedFly.jpg, and it's absolutely beautiful.

It reminds me of THIS (click),
but it's sooooo much better.

Thank you, Andy!

Gone, but Not Forgotten

My mother has returned to her beloved state of Florida. While she was here, she kept saying things like "Florida has much better roads than the Tri-State," OR "You have gas station attendants pump your gas? We don't have anyone pump our gas in Florida. What's wrong with this state?" OR "We get free refills of coffee and soda in our restaurants. You people have to pay for refills. Florida's better in so many ways" OR "It's FREEZING here. I miss the warm weather of Florida."

So she's happily back in warm and steamy Florida, where she rides on smoother roads, pumps her own gas (at the age of 88 and weighing only 105 lbs.), and gets as many coffee refills as she wants without paying. We surely lack many amenities here in the Tri-State.

Anyway, I keep thinking Mama Zed's in the same room as me, and I frequently turn around to say something to her, but no one's there. Or I think I hear her rustling around the kitchen. But no, she's really back home in Florida catching up with her friends (one died in her absence), and settling back in. It's as if my place is haunted, but that can't be because she's still alive. I miss her. Weird, huh? :)

Thank you all for hanging in there with me during her visit. It made it so much easier to deal with if I c0uld vent here on a daily basis. You guys are great--I owe you big-time!

My Nerves!

I was wrong. The plane leaves at 1 P.M. not 12 P.M.

AND SHE WANTS TO BE AT THE AIRPORT 3 HOURS EARLY BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WANT TO MISS HER FLIGHT.

We're leaving my apartment at 9:45 for a 1:00 p.m. flight. I live 20 minutes from the airport.

She's making me nuts right down to the very last second.

Departure Time

Departure time: Tuesday, August 27, 2007, 12:00 noon.

Zed's disposition:


For clarity's sake, Zed stays here.

Who's in Control Here?

My money is now officially in the hands of this place:

Caesar's Casino, Atlantic City, New Jersey

Well, at least $280 of it. But there is some good news: Last year (CLICK HERE) I was furious that it took me 32 minutes and $10.75 to withdraw my own money from my checking account by using my debit/credit card at the Caesar's Casino. This year it took 2 minutes and $4.00 to withdraw cash.

I bet I had those people at Caesar's just SWEATING until they straightened out the problem. They probably had to have a series of high-level corporate meetings (with perhaps members of the Board of Directors and shareholders) to figure out what was the best way to make Zed happy. In the year since I've been to AC, I'll bet they tried a number of methods to dispense cash quickly, and finally settled on this new method today, knowing I would be in town again.

And to cap it off, when I asked a casino waitress for a Diet Coke today, I waited for over an hour and she never actually returned with the drink EVER. Maybe Caesar's execs did that just to show me that they are still in control. Yeah, like THEY'RE IN CONTROL ... bwahahahaha!

I think I'm losing it. How about you? :)

Endless Repetition

Last Sunday ...

Mom: When are we going to Atlantic City?
Me: On Friday, Mom.

Sunday night ...

Mom: When are we going to Atlantic City?
Me: On Friday, Mom.

Repeat twice daily Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. This morning we bought tickets to AC. This afternoon ...

Mom: When are we going to Atlantic City? Oh, that's right tomorrow.

An hour ago ...

Mom: So we're going to Atlantic City tomorrow, right?
Me: Yes, tomorrow morning.

All kidding aside, this is really difficult.

She Was Beautiful

This is what she looked like in her heyday.

My cousin, my father, me, my mother, my sister.

For me, think screaming red hair.

Click on the picture to enlarge.

All Warm Things Are Not Equal--Recap

When it's 84 degrees in Florida, it's a "warm" 84 degrees, not like the cold 84 degrees we have here in the northeast.
___________________________

Mom: It's freezing in here [in my apartment].
Me: Mom, it's 84 degrees--look at the outdoor thermometer.
Mom: But my nose. Feel my nose; it's ice cold.
Me, after feeling her nose: It's fine. It's not cold at all.
Mom: Well, to me it's cold. It's ice cold in here.
Me: No it's not. Look at me--I'm sweating! I'm dying of the heat! That's how warm it is--and you won't let me put on the central air.
Mom: How can you put on the air when it's so cold?
Me: Didn't you leave winter clothes in the drawer in the office a while back? Let's find them and you can put them on.
Mom: I'm not going to wear winter clothes in summer.
______________________________

I go get the space heater.

Me, re-entering room: Okay, let me plug this in.
Mom: What is it?
Me: A space heater.
Mom: You can't use that! It's summer!! That's ridiculous. Take it out of here!
Me: But YOU'RE cold. It doesn't matter what season it is.
Mom: I don't want it. Unplug it. I don't want it. And I'm not going to use it.
[Next morning, she's sneezing at breakfast.]
Mom: I think I'm getting a cold from it being so icy in here.
_______________________________

My 87-year-old mother flies home on Wednesday morning after a three-week visit. She will be returning to Florida, where the temperature is 84 degrees, but a warm 84 degrees.

I cracked up when I read this in the August 2006 archives, because today she wore a sweatshirt and sweater with long sweatpants and wool socks and complained how she never expected it to be so bitter cold in the Tri-State in August. We had a high of 72 today. A wintery 72.

She's on the Prowl for a Boyfriend

So far I still have longish hair. But yesterday I took a scissor to it at my mother's urging and it's now 1 to 1 1/2 inches shorter than the day my mother arrived.

I hope she's happy, though I'm thinking, no ... no, she's not.
_______________________

We went clothes shopping and she choose size 5 items to try on. In the Junior Department. You know, where teenagers shop.

Me: Maybe you should try on the next size? Like a 6 in the Women's Department?

Mom: Why? I have a good figure and I want to show it off. I don't want to wear old-lady clothing!

Maybe she's trying to land a boyfriend! Please advise if you know of anyone.

Pot Roast Coming Up!

Mom, on the way home from the airport, Tuesday: Have you tried Stouffer's Yankee Pot Roast? It's so good.
Me: Nope, haven't tried it yet.

Mom, Wednesday AM: My friend Mary told me to try Yankee Pot Roast. I think it's made by Stouffer's. You have to try it!
Me: I will. Sounds good.


Mom, Thursday evening: You know what's good? Yankee Pot Roast! Who makes that again?
Me: ... Stouffer's???
Mom: Look how you know! Have you tried it?
Me: No, not yet.


Tonight over dinner: My friend Kathy told me about Yankee Pot Roast by Stouffer's. Have you had it? It's so good.
Me: Not yet. Some day. You want me to buy it for you?
Mom: No! Why would I want you to buy it for me? I don't want it. I just asked if you've tried it.

I'm thinking we're having Yankee Pot Roast some time in the near future.

Where Did I Hear This Before?

Mom: "What are we doing today?"


I gave her several interesting suggestions. All good ones--honest.


Mom: "Why don't we go get your hair cut instead?"



It's a theme! (See HERE.)

Towels!! More Towels!

Mom: "I need more towels."

Me: "Mom, I already gave you four towels, and you just got here yesterday evening."

Mom: "No you didn't."

Me: "Sure I did. Let me show you."

We go into the guest bath.

Me: "See? One blue towel, one purple towel, and two white towels. That should be enough for a day or so, no?"

Mom: "They don't match."

Grrr. :) She's really cute in a mother sort of way.

The First Jab

So my 88 y/o mother got off the plane from Fort Lauderdale, gave me a hug hello, and said:

"You need a haircut."

I've got a long two weeks ahead of me. :)

The Home Depot Imrov Everywhere Stunt

I love the group Improv Everywhere. They pull off the greatest, most harmless but amusing stunts anywhere.

The Slo-Mo Home Depot Stunt was performed by hundreds of volunteers given the following instructions:

1. Go to a specific Home Depot at a specific time and shop.
2. On cue, walk in slow motion throughout the store for 5 minutes.
3. On cue, walk normally for 5 minutes.
4. On cue, freeze in place.
5. On cue, walk normally and leave the store.

Simple right? And hilarious! Watch THIS.

I hope you haven't seen this, but even if you have, it's worth a second look.

List of Lists Meme. My Cousin Rocky's Heading Your Way, Sushiboy

Sushiboy tagged me last week with this meme. I tried so hard to ignore him, but it's impossible. He's just too nice. So now you all are going to suffer through another meme. HEY, DON'T BLAME ME. BLAME SUSHIBOY!

List of Lists

3 people who will be annoyed you tagged them…
1. No one. If you want to do this meme, consider yourself tagged!
2. No one. If you want to do this meme, consider yourself tagged!
3. No one. If you want to do this meme, consider yourself tagged!

4 things that should go into Room 101 and be removed from the face of the Earth.
1. Cruelty to animals
2. Cruelty to other people
3. Michael Vick
4. Poverty/hunger

3 things people do that make you want to shake them violently.
1. Lie to each other
2. Fail to listen to great advice (mine) :)
3. Drive as if they are playing a video/online game instead of a dangerous machine.

2 things you find yourself moaning about:
1. Lack of consideration; rudeness; unkindness; thoughlessness
2. The necessity of money

1 thing the above answers tell you about yourself
1. I want fairness, kindness, mutual respect and lack of cruelty in ALL relationships, not just with people but with animals as well.

Question #1: What Were You Doing 10 Years Ago?
Running a software development team at a major corporation

Question #2: List 5 Snacks You Enjoy:
1. Coca-Cola
2. Diet Coca-Cola
3. Pretzels
4. Potato chips dipped in sour cream (I don't have this too often, for obvious reasons)
5. Vanilla ice cream with butterscotch syrup and a dash of whipped cream (again, I don't have this too often, for obvious reasons)

Question #3: List 5 Songs You Know All The Lyrics To:
1. I'm terrible at remembering lyrics and have always messed up in this area. I insert my own words in lyrics. I rule that way. :)

Question #4: List 5 Things You Would Do If You Were A Millionaire:
1. I'd give $500,000 to Sans Pantaloons. (He just lost all his money in the stock market.)
2. I'd buy a castle in Europe (not too old though; the old ones require lots of plumbing repairs).
3. I'd get the people next door to sell me their apartment and move out, thus doubling the size of mine.
4. I'd hire an assistant to organize my life. Perhaps 2 or 3 assistants to organize my life.
5. I'd hire a staff to feed as many stray animals as humanly possible.

Question #5: List 5 Bad Habits:
1. I drink too much Coca-Cola (I'm with Sushiboy on this)
2. I am computer-addicted. Completely and thoroughly.
3. I'm a bad communicator (in terms of returning phone calls/writing thank you notes/etc.)
4. Procrastination.
5. Procrastination again--because I'm that bad.

Question #6: List 5 Things You Would Never Wear Again:
1. Anything pink (I'm a redhead.)
2. Short shorts.
3. Mini-mini skirts.
4. Teased hair.
5. Contact lens. I tried to adjust on three different occasions with 3 different types of lens and I hated them. Squinting is good :) ... or I wear glasses in the car and at the movies.

Question #7: List 5 Favorite Toys/Video or Online Games:
1. Pacman
2. Ms. Pacman
3. Super Pacman
4. Panic Pipes
5. Pacman (did I mention that?)

I hope you're happy Sushiboy. :)

Stinky Fish Part II

I just know I'm going to sound like an ungracious host, but I'm not good at hosting strangers. And quirky, difficult strangers at that.

For three days, I opened my home to friends of friends of friends (strangers to me) who asked if they could stay with me while they visited the Tri-State since they had heard I have a large apartment. The fact is, I COULD have refused, but I didn't. Why not? Because I wanted to be gracious to these people (a husband and wife and the wife's mother) because ... well, actually, I don't know why. Sad, isn't it? I'm not usually this nice. Why start now?

They were constantly in my face, moving things around, breaking things, bickering/arguing with each other, blasting the TV, and pretty much expecting me to take them wherever they wanted to go whenever they wanted to go. I cooked every meal for them, or if I didn't cook, I provided the food. Haven't these people heard of HOTELS? or RESTAURANTS? or RENTAL CARS? or CABS? They aren't poor; they just didn't want to spend the money it would take to go on a three-day New York vacation. Good, so I'll spend the money. Me, a stranger to them.


The truth is my apartment is my oasis, all cozy and warm and nice. But it turned into a bit of hell with their dirty towels, dishes, and laundry; empty glasses; a backed-up toilet; frequent disagreements and nitpicking. On Friday night, the TV was blasting so loudly that the doorman called to request I lower it since the neighbors were complaining. Yesterday the kitchen sink backed up for the first time in the 15 years I live here. Last night the toilet overflowed (also a first).

Frankie & Johnny meowed far more than I can ever remember, and finally they just hid in the sweater closet and wouldn't come out. I wish I COULD HAVE HID in there with them.

The unwanted guests left early today, and although I need to pick up after them, change sheets, wash dishes, clean, etc., my oasis is slowly creeping back in. I'm feeling my peace return at last. And Frankie and Johnny have stopped hiding, came out of the sweater closet, and are running and jumping and rejoicing once again.

P.S. My 88-year-old mother arrives on Tuesday. Oh. My.
P.P.S. No, I'm not going to win the Ms. USA Graciousness Award.

Stinky Fish

Benjamin Franklin knew what he was talking about when he cleverly, and correctly, stated: "Fish and guests stink after 3 days." I can't go into further detail. :)

I'm Going to Witness a Birth UPDATE

CHANGE OF PLANS

She's having a C-section. Whew! I'm spared! Yahoo!

I'm Going to Witness a Birth

On Wednesday I will be a “support person” for the birth of my friend’s child at the local hospital. Okay, in English, I’m going to be in the room when a friend gives birth on Wednesday (she’s being induced). I’m totally freaked out. Her husband will be there as well, but I fully expect he’s going to be a basket case. Any advice on how I should support her and what to say to encourage her during delivery?

Help! Any and all advice is welcome. Where's my Rescue Remedy?

Update: The delivery's been moved to Thursday. One more day to worry.

It's Never a Good Sign When ...

... the cable guy says "Why do you have a Homedics power cord plugged into the back of the cable modem instead of the cable modem's Toshiba cord? The two power cords supply two different voltage outputs." Oh.

And so it turns out I somewhat fried the cable modem, causing my computer to freak for a week.

He gave me a new cable modem, properly attached the Toshiba power cord, and my computer's working again.

Oops. Bad me.

I've Been Interviewed!

BLOGGER INTERVIEW QUESTIONS

There is a Blogger Interview project making the rounds, and I volunteered to answer some questions via one of my favorite blogs, Passion of the Dale. Dale has kindly supplied me with 7 queries that he demands be answered. Alright already, alright! Don't be so pushy, Dale. :) Here we go:

1. While I am aware of your awesome ability to make paper snowflakes to rival my mother's, what other secret crafty talents do you harbour?

a. I'm a good cook with several specialties, including home-made manicotti, glorious chicken (chicken in mushroom sauce baked in croissant dough), killer mashed potatoes (with sour cream, cream cheese, and butter), and yummy cookies. All the good things in life. I've tried to develop recipes that will knock off several friends through cardiac ischemia, myocardial infarction, or other heart conditions, but so far they're still here. Drat!

b. I am able to play piano, guitar, and violin (separately, not at the same time, thank you), but only if you hold a gun to my head and don't mind a few mistakes. Even women can have performance anxiety, just a different type than the norm.

c. I traveled cross-country by car from New York to Phoenix and didn't kill my traveling companion whom I didn't like. Click HERE.

d. I keep all telephone numbers I use in my head rather than stored in telephone memory. Don't ask. I bet you can't do that, or would even want to. If I ever sustain a head injury, I'm in serious trouble.

e. I am able to live as if I'm NOT the center of the universe, despite my WANTING to be the center of the universe. This is quite a talent, trust me. What do you mean I'm not the center of the universe?

f. Don't be frightened, but I can sense when someone is about to die within the next 24-48 hours, even if that person is considered to be in very good health at the time I sense their demise. It's happened way too many times, and I think no one wants to look at me in the eye anymore. :(

2. You like old movies according to an old post you did. Name a few that you could watch again and again and tell me why.

a. Groundhog Day with Bill Murray just kills me. I like the idea of getting many chances to get life right. It isn't particularly old, but old enough.
b. Anything directed by Alfred Hitchcock. The master of suspense can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. I'm still terrified whenever I watch The Birds, but I'm a big baby that way.
c. Anything featuring Jimmy Stewart (Harvey/Mr. Smith Goes to Washington/Anatomy of a Murder/Rear Window) or Cary Grant (Topper/North by Northwest/Charade). Those guys exuded charisma. They may not have been the best actors or best looking, but when they were on-screen, they ruled.
d. Crying time movies : Gone with the Wind; Breakfast at Tiffany's; The Heiress; How Green Was My Valley.

3. Hosting parties is something you do well, who could forget your 70s, 80s and 90s blog parties? If you were to have a real party and could invite a few famous or infamous people, who would you put on the list?

I would invite political figures (dead's fine, and someone of a different political view than mine is fine too). For example, I'd like to chat extensively with Karl Marx, Hillary Clinton, Ronald Reagan, and that bizarr-0 from North Korea. I'd also invite John Kennedy Jr.--but only because he was breathtakingly gorgeous. Hugh Jackman is on the list as well, and he's not even in politics. We don't even have to talk. I can just look at him. :) I'd also like to speak with President Bush to ask what the heck he could possibly be thinking.

4. Were you the kind of kid who would have been more likely to run away and join the circus or run away and join the music group The Runaways?

I'd join The Runaways. I used to sing in the choir--I know I'd do a good job.

5. Would you rather write a theatre show or star in one?

I'd like to write a Broadway play that I star in. Because deep down everyone knows it's all about me. All of it. Yes, it is.

Bonus questions:

6. How's your mailman?

Jim's retiring in December 2007, and I'd like to know who will do a presort of my mail, taking out all junk mail, advertisements, flyers, etc., and NOT expect me to pick up my mail more than once a week. Volunteers? Anyone?

7. What have you done for me lately?

Not much, Dale, except I DID tell you what a wonderful writer you are and help build your ego to giganto size. The only other thing I could do for you is make a tray of homemade manicotti with meatballs on the side and ship it up north to you in the great land of Canada. But I only make manicotti once a year, and I've already done that this year--in April. How about next year? Will that do?


Who wants me to interview THEM? If you are one of those lucky people, I'll supply questions to you that are deep and/or silly. Or whatever. Let me know in the comments section, and I'll send them to you. I'LL MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD!

My Computer Is "Very Clean"--So Why Doesn't It Work?

Peter, the computer hospital guy, doesn't know what's wrong with my Dell and charged me $107 for telling me that. To make me feel better, he once again gave me many kudos for maintaining such a clean hard drive. "The cleanest I've ever seen ... " Uh, so Peter, why isn't my computer working? "I don't know. Very strange ... " he said.

Tomorrow, I've got the cable guy coming. Right now I can work on my computer, but Internet connections are dreadfully slow: 243 bytes/sec. Think of a snail. A disgustingly slow and semicomatose snail. To get a page to load, I have to stare at a blank page for 5-7 minutes. Except for Google--that loads in a flash.

Computers are the bane of our existence. I hate computers. But I also love them when they work properly, and I need, want, and miss mine ... It's love-hate relationship.

I need to scream: #$%&**&(&)*)(*(*(#!!. Thank you for your patience. I feel better now. Hugs to you--see y'all soon.

Dell Isn't Well

My computer's giving me a hard time, been crashing all day long, saw a blue screen or two, but was able to recover. I just hope it makes it through the night. :)

If you don't see me here for a few days, Dell and I are in the emergency room. Flowers are welcome.

Words to Kill By, One More Time

At this moment in time
Tell me the truth: Are you trying to say "NOW"? Then how about this? Just say "now." You automatically eliminate the use of 4 unnecessarily spoken words, which is always a good thing in your case.

From the get go
What the heck is the get go? YOU go get go. I'll stay here. Go now, go.

Chill out
I can understand the use of this phrase in the summertime, when I'm warm and sweaty and need to "chill out." But why would you say chill out in the winter when I'm normally already chilled. How about you just mind your own business as far as how warm or cold I am?

Wake up call
The only wakeup call I'm interested in is the one coming from the hotel desk when I'm away from home and need to get to a meeting on time. Otherwise, I prefer to sleep in. Thanks.

No sweat
We could probably totally eliminate the phrase no sweat from the English language if we'd all just use deodorant every day. Yes, I'm looking at you.

Bear with me I'd like to see the use of this phrase EXPANDED. For example, we could say

a. Raccoon with me
b. Chipmunk with me
c. Squirrel with me

Why just pick on bears? What have they ever done to you?

When Do I Ask the First Question? Have You Started Rolling Yet?

This has to be one of the most painful celebrity interviews I've ever seen. Poor Holly Hunter.


Is this interviewer, Merry Miller, kidding? She has no idea what she's saying, asking, or hearing. At the end she says the interview is sponsored by NBC, when the program is called "ABC News Video." Conducting an interview of this sort can't be that difficult to do. I'm offering up my cats Frankie & Johnny to ask the questions in the future. I KNOW they'd do a better job.

Try to make it through it all even though it's painful. The end is super-awful and you hear the director/producer scream in horror if you listen carefully. Funny stuff!

Click on the image above OR HERE.

Another Fun Day with Brian

We had a great time this afternoon. We played a game called "Fantastic MakeOver." We added sideburns, curly dark hair, and a moustache to Brian--and Brian loved it! Doesn't he look good?


He's such a cutie! He kept pointing out the Skaagen watch he bought me last night--as if I could ever forget it came from him.

In return, I bought him a few new tee shirts (the two in the pictures above). They go so nice with his beautiful eyes. No matter WHAT he wears, he always looks good to me.

Say hi to Peter for me Teri.

**evil laughter**

P.S. Don't hurt one hair on the head of my cat babies, Frankie & Johnny, Teri. Or your new home might experience a big "accident."

Look Who Loves Me Now ...

Teri's friend Brian brought me flowers this afternoon and we spent the day lolling in the sun.


You might want to stop at Dick Small's blog below to see what all the fuss is about:

http://dicksmallsblog.blogspot.com/2007/07/men-are-pigs-i-give-up.html

It's Raining, It's Pouring

It's raining like this today



but I have no choice and have to go out in it. How's it by you?

Wish me well. If you don't hear from me again, I probably have ... glug ... HELP!! ... glug I'M DROWNING ... glug ...