Sunday, January 30, 2011

What Mess?!?

This afternoon, a neighbor showed up unexpectedly at the door and asked if she could come in so I could sign a petition regarding my building, what I like to call The Fortress.  I said "sure." Big mistake.

I had worked since early morning, and I didn't realize there were bits of cat fur rolling down the tiled hallway and across the wood-planked living-room floor. In addition, the sauce pan used to saute mushrooms was still on the stove, minus the mushrooms. The kitchen sink had a few items in it that I planned to put in the dishwasher four minutes before the bell rang--I never got around to it. 

There were also two small bags of garbage: one contained a bit of used scoopable litter and the other contained two empty cans of cat food, as well as several items I took from the fridge and intended to, yes, that's right, throw down the garbage shute. Not the cleanest this place has ever been, but certainly not horrific. If I had been given four additional minutes, I could have run to the garbage room and then put everything in the dishwasher. Voila! The place would have looked great! Only thing left would have been the rolling cat hair.

I kept apologizing to this person, a stranger, and stammering about the mess in my apartment. Things were being put in the dishwasher as we spoke. I even used vanilla Febreeze spray to make sure everything smelled super. I looked like an indentured servant picking up for the Queen.

So, now GET THIS, on the way out the woman said, "Go. Clean up the mess. Bye!" Huh? Huh? I repeat: Huh?

I let go of the door, and it slammed, narrowly missing her butt. Through the closed door, I shouted "Sorry!" Let's face it, while I can say this place is a mess, this woman can't.

Mess? She said, "Clean up the mess"? What mess?!?

... Got to clean up that cat hair!


Blogger Sans Pantaloons said...

I think you are over-sensitive Zed. As a de-sensitising/desenstizing treatment, I recommend spreading treacle over the wooden floor to trap the cat fur, and leaving it there for 4 weeks, or until a fruiting body grows, whichever is the sooner.

Jan 31, 2011, 8:42:00 AM  
Blogger Zed said...

Treacle? What is treacle? Well, whatever it is, I'm going to grow it. Can't wait to see the fruiting body! That'll show neighbor lady!

Good advice. Just have to figure out what treacle is ... Do we have treacle in the US?

Jan 31, 2011, 9:45:00 AM  
Anonymous teri said...

she was rude. unless you're OCD about your place being spotless, don't worry about it.

Jan 31, 2011, 11:18:00 AM  
Blogger Zed said...

I agree, Teri. Even if she THOUGHT it was messy, that was just one of those things one keeps to oneself.

OCD about cleaning? Me? No. Mama Zed would laugh about that. ;0 My place is clean, but I'm not going to win any Good Housekeeping seals of approval. I LIVE in my place, you know what I mean? I have a neighbor who cleans and cleans for hours every day, but then doesn't let anyone visit. Now that's OCD! :)

Jan 31, 2011, 3:28:00 PM  
Blogger Sushiboy said...

So you invite her in (polite) to take a look at a petition (doing her a favor) and she tells you that? (quite rude) WOW!

Well of course that lady probably has a spotless apartment. After she is done cleaning then she has time to canvas the neighborhood with petitions :P. Nothing better to do.

Jan 31, 2011, 4:52:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

LOL! Apparently she's the official white glove tester at The Fortress, Sushiboy.

I spoke to Johnny about the situation and he's agreed to scratch her ankles the next time he sees her. That a boy, Johnny!

Jan 31, 2011, 5:26:00 PM  
Blogger Sans Pantaloons said...

I believe molasses is the same or similar stuff to treacle.

I can tell this is going to be a movie...

Jan 31, 2011, 10:54:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

I was thinking of naming the movie something simple like: Mushrooms Are Missing From the Pan OR No One Killed the Neighbor ... Yet.

Jan 31, 2011, 11:22:00 PM  
Blogger Sans Pantaloons said...

We need Jack Nicholson in there somewhere. Are there any sets of twins in the building? The mushroom theme is excellent!

Feb 1, 2011, 4:07:00 AM  
Blogger Zed said...

Twins on the first floor! Woman on 7th floor pregnant with twins!

This could work!

Feb 1, 2011, 1:33:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

Sans, even Nicholson's famous line "Here's Johnny!" works perfectly!!

Do you have directorial experience?

Feb 1, 2011, 1:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Ian Somerhalder said...

i am the most handsome guy in the world, and i would be willing, in fact delighted, to appear in your proposed jack nicholson movie (title pending). please send me a script for my review.

Feb 1, 2011, 1:56:00 PM  

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