Tuesday, October 23, 2007

She's Just Plain Scary

Squash Talk

I have to begin work in about 10 minutes if I'm ever going to finish this editing job, but I have The Today Show running on cable in the background and I'm wondering what genius thought 4 hours of this morning show was something the American people craved every single morning. FOUR HOURS! Two hours is more than enough! The network is acting out of desperation. Isn't NBC last in the ratings war? Well, this strategy isn't going to get them out of the ratings pit.

Just now two of The Today Show hosts spent 10 minutes raving over winter squash. Why? Why? And a guest demonstrated a recipe for Winter Squash Galette, which they all drooled over as if it were filet mignon or Beef Wellington. Again, may I ask why? Their very drooling was an act of desperation.

A dinner-party host once tried to convince me that spaghetti squash tasted "just like pasta." I was so ready to love it. But how could I? It tasted like squash. Who was that guy trying to kid?!

So here's the point: Because of The Today Show's desperation for interest talking points, this morning I was subjected to squash talk and reminded that spaghetti squash is disgusting and does not taste like pasta. My day is ruined.

Change the channel? What, I should get UP? (I've misplace my remote. Again.)

Thursday, October 18, 2007

I'm Studying the Map

I've been studying my Clustrmap, and I noticed I have 2-18 people from Iceland visiting this site in the last few weeks or so. And I must admit I cannot understand how anyone from Iceland can even find The World According to Zed--do the people of Iceland even have electricity to run their desktop computers?

Okay, yes, they probably have electricity. But did you ever wonder how electricity gets there? Iceland is in the middle of nowhere. It's surrounded by ocean and about 1/8 of an inch above it on the map is the Arctic Circle--and ice and snow and more ice and more snow.

Could Icelandians have gotten England to run cables or wires under the ocean ALL THE WAY TO ICELAND to get electricity there--and cable TV? Wouldn't the polar bears have eaten the cables/wires? They can't ALL--all 25 Icelandians--be wireless! And if the boat that brings food breaks down, they could all (25 or so Iclandians) starve--but that's a whole other issue. Do you see, Iceland? I worry about you! We're compadres! :) Don't ever leave!

On my previous Clustrmap, which was archived in August, China was a pretty regular visitor. And now with the new map, they have disappeared. Do I need to I remind the Chinese government that I have had many Chinese objects d'art in my apartment over the years, as well as dishes, mugs, and a silk robe from that country? And I occasionally shop at the dollar store. And you know how many items from China are at the dollar store. So, where are you, China?

And Russia, don't even get me started on Russia, mostly because they poison people they don't like--and I want them to keep liking me. I LOVE RUSSIA!! I really really really do!

The best dot on the map is the one on a little tiny island to the east of Madagascar called Mauritius, another place no one lives. So if no one lives there, who's checking out my blog? The wild birds? Ship-wrecked pirates? Treasure hunters? (Hey, if you find treasure while reading my blog, international law says you must give me half. Just sayin'.)

So many countries, so little time. But if everyone in the world would just visit The World According to Zed on a regular basis, the world would be a better place ... The harmony, the love, the peace--and the homemade manicotti. Don't ever forget the manicotti. Or my killer mashed potatoes.

Thank you.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

What a Great Guest!

My friend D. asked me to join her for lunch today, and on the way to her house I almost fell asleep in my car on one of Jersey's most dangerous highways.

We went out to lunch at Panera Bread (yummy!), I managed semi-intelligent conversation, and when we got back to her house, I said hi to her husband and son, sat down, and fought off sleep as I tried to be a polite guest.

I know my mouth was moving, but God knows what was coming out of it.
I think a lot of it was the ever-convincing "Uh-hum..." "Huh!" and "Hmmm!" I'm fairly certain they believed I was deep in conversation with them, but who can ever know for sure?

D. said, "You need a nap." Yep, I sure did. So she said, "Go, then. Nap." I went to sleep in their guest room and slept from 3:45 until 6:00 p.m., when they knocked to make sure I hadn't died. Or moved in.

We had dinner and I left by 7:15. What a great guest! Can I come take a nap at YOUR house?

Monday, October 15, 2007

You Think You've Got Problems

It's not that I'm competitive or anything ... well, okay, yes I am. But when Dale of Passion of the Dale wrote a comment on my Call Me!! I'm Busy!! post immediately below:
My mother never listens to anything I say but says mm hmm and then goes back to the list of people I don't know who have died lately and then says 'okay, bye' and hangs up...
I thought, he doesn't know. He just DOESN'T KNOW. Oh sure, he's knows a little, but wait. Just wait.

Mama Zed also speaks about strangers (to me) who have died, people whom I have never known, and who obviously I never WILL KNOW. Her conversations about the living can sometimes be even worse:
The Saga of Willy, John, and What's 'er Name

Mama Zed: I was talking with my friend Kathy this afternoon and she told me that her grandson Willy got in trouble in school.

Me: Uh-huh.

Mama Zed: You know Willy, right? That's John's son.

Me: I don't know John and I don't know Willy.

Mama Zed: You don't? How can that be?

Me: No, ma. Why would I know them? I live HERE and you live THERE. YOU know them.

Mama Zed: John and Willy? They're Kathy's son and grandson. They live in Atlanta, Georgia.

Me: Uh-huh. So what about them? (Why do I ask this? Why?)

Mama Zed: Willy got in trouble in school.

Me: HOW? (My nerves!)

Mama Zed: His pants were hanging too low. They were too big. I guess that's what the boys are wearing. And he was thrown out of school and sent home.

Me: Yep, that happens.

Mama Zed: And his mother was furious! You know her, right? That's Kathy's son's John's wife. You met her last year, didn't you? She's tall, attractive, a little overweight. What's her name again? Joanne? Janet? Judy?

Me: Mom, I never met her.

Mama Zed: Sure you did. She comes from Atlanta. Or is it Savannah, and she drives this really cute car. It's a Sabarku?

Me: A Sabarku? You mean a Subaru?

Mama Zed: A Sabarku, a rich dark blue. You owned one of those, didn't you?

Me: A Sabarku? Yes, a long time ago. That's nice ...

Mama Zed: And she works in a law office as a legal aide. She's got a good job and get's 4 weeks' vacation. But she has to work so many hours. She's always working and working! Just like you! I told Kathy that she works far too much. She never has time for her family. Her sister's a nun. What was her sister's name again? Maria? Martina? I forget.

Me: Uh-huh. Why are we talking about John's wife?

Mama Zed: I thought you knew her.
Me: No. So, Willy was sent home and he changed his clothes and they let him back in?
Mama Zed: Yes. He's back in school now.
Me: Well THAT'S good!! (Totally manufactured non-heart-felt enthusiasm).
Mama Zed: They're a nice family. You'd like them. What was the wife's name again?
And you wonder why I don't always have time to blog.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Call Me!! I'm Busy!!

Oh, alright. If I have to blog, I will. I've been working 16- to 18-hour days, and two days last week I fell asleep in front of my computer. How pathetic is that!?! But the good news is the work is slowing down a bit and I don't have to bore you with tidbits about biology, machining tools, or statistics. Lucky you!

Mama Zed complains nonstop when I'm busy with work and I don't call her enough in Florida. So I made a promise to myself to call her every single day this week. However, each day I called, she couldn't talk because she was "busy," but would call me back in 5 minutes when she was "free."

Her excuses??

Day 1: I can't talk. I'm eating ice cream. Let me call you back.
Day 2: I can't talk. I'm hanging out the wash. Let me call you back.
Day 3: I can't talk. I'm watching Dancing with the Stars. Let me call you back.
Day 4: I can't talk. Marie stopped by for coffee and some cookies. Let me call you back.
Day 5: I can't talk. I'm on my way to Winner's World (a casino). Let me call you back.
Day 6: I can't talk. I just sat down to dinner. Let me call you back.
Day 7: I can't talk. I'm on my way to the cemetery to visit your father and sister. Let me call you back.

Okay, first I like to say, what's the problem with being on the phone while you eat ice cream? Huh? Second, everyone knows Dancing with the Stars is garbage this year. And as for Day 7, I would guess that Dad and Carole can wait for us to have a 2-minute phone call--don't you? They are no longer living.

Friday, October 05, 2007

One-Day Freedom

Tons of work and constant attention to the Britney Spears
downward spiral/custody loss/heading-to-the-cuckoo-bin fiasco

has led to a state of combined boredom and stress.
I'm boring myself to death in a stressful way! :)

Enough already! May TMZ, Perez Hilton, and X17 fall on extremely bad times ...

So tomorrow, my first day off in 3 weeks (including weekends),
I'm going to go to
(1) Target, (2) lunch with a friend, (3) the bank and post office.
Do I live an exciting life or what?!!

Any suggestions to make it a memorable day?

Make it good, because I'm heading back to work on Saturday. Please help!

Thanks! <--An exclamation point! <--ooh, another! <--ad infinitum!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007


My top-ten current addictions include the following:

1. Coca-Cola (regular)

2. The Britney Spears fiasco (loss of children/downward spiral)

3. The Ellen DeGeneres Show

4. Sleeping late/staying up late

5. Home-made pasta

6. D-Listed.com

7. Sudoku (I can't stop! Even the advanced ones! Betty-Ford-Clinic addicted!)

8. Snuggling with Frankie & Johnny (my tuxedo cats)

9. Driving in my Toyota Scion with music blasting

10. My computer (I can't step away. Why can't I step away?!!)

If you've got addictions, what are they? I bet they're better more fascinating than mine. :)