Sunday, July 08, 2007

Loud Cell-Phone Conversations among Annoying People

CONVERSATION 1 (at the supermarket):
Caller: I'm in aisle 2 of Trader Joe's. Do you want the 7-grain bread or the 10-grain?
Call recipient: Get the 10-grain. I'm constipated.
Caller: Okay, do you want me to pick up some Metamucil too?
Call recipient: No, no. I'm teaching a course tomorrow. I don't want to have the runs in class.

Just about now, the caller moves out of my hearing range on aisle 2. I am blessed.

CONVERSATION 2 (in the car, window open):
Caller: I'm at a red light now. I'm going to get gas and then go get a haircut. Okay? I'll call you later.

No one needs to know where you are at every moment of every day. You are not the head of Homeland Security; you are not the CEO of a Fortune 500 company; you're not a 4 year old. You can buy gas and then make it to the barber without reporting in. It'll all be okay. Honest.

CONVERSATION 3 (on the way to get a slice of pizza and go to Target's):
First Call: We're heading out; yep, we're going to Barreta's Pizzeria and I'll give you a call when I get there. Okay, I'll speak to you later, hon.
Second Call: Hi, we're at the pizzeria. We just ordered. What? Oh, I'm getting two mushroom slices and Zed's getting two regular slices and a Diet Coke. What are you having for lunch? Really? Okay. I'll call you later. We should be heading to Target in about a half hour.
Third Call: We just got to Target. What do you want? Okay, I'll pick up potato chips and another jar of Prego sauce. Anything else. Okay honey, I'll call you later.
Fourth Call: We're leaving Target's. Yeah, we're in the parking lot. Zed, can't find her car. Isn't that funny? I bought two tee-shirts and some shorts. You'll see when I get home. Did you go to the gym? Good. Okay then, I'll call you from the garage. Okay then. Bye. Bye.
Fifth Call: We're in the garage. I'm going to stop in the lobby and pick up the mail. I'll be home in a few minutes. Okay then. Bye.

Do I look like some sort of threatening person that my friend must report in to her husband every 5 minutes that I haven't KILLED HER yet? (We're leaving. We're at the pizzeria. We're on the way to Target. We're AT Target.) I don't want to kill anybody, I just want to SHOP. You're safe with me as long as I can buy stuff.

I'm feeling completely strangled by these conversations, and I'm not even the marital recipient. Talk about codependence! I'm choking! Clear the way, I need air! Someone call 911. I'm dying here.


Blogger Zhu said...

THis is exactly why I don't have a cell phone !

My favorite, a while ago when I was living in France...

In the train to Paris :

Caller: "Hi honey... no sorry, I have a late meeting... yes, I'll be home monday. I love you baby".

Hangs up and make a second call :

"Hi love. Yes, I told my wife I'd be in a meeting. I see you in an hour. Love"

Everyone just turned to the guy in the train, it was hilarious ! :D

Jul 8, 2007, 9:51:00 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

I ABSOLUTELY HATE how having cell phones today makes people rude and have to contact their "parole officer" every 5 seconds.

Like Zed said, "really, it will be okay. you don't have to call me every five seconds to tell me you're at a stop sign. I don't give a shit!" And the fact that these same people have "conversations" while they are with another person just makes it that much more rude!

rant over, for now anyway.....

Jul 8, 2007, 10:17:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

Too funny Zhu! I love that story! But you should have a cell phone for emergencies, no? So you're not stuck somewhere due to the car breaking down? For me, cell phones make me feel more secure in that sense.

Here's another one story: I was on the phone with a friend who called me from his cell phone in the car. I said, "Listen call me when you get home. I don't want you to have an accident." He said, "Nah, I'm fine." And two minutes later I heard a huge crunch and scraping sound. The entire passenger side had been ripped out by a 16-wheeler. Cell phone + speed = $@#?!@

Teri, you are so right. No one needs to report in every five minutes! What did they do before cell phones? And people can't even buy bread with checking with their mate. They USED to be able to buy bread on their own. But now? Not so much.

Jul 9, 2007, 12:23:00 AM  
Anonymous jane said...

i just want to let you all know that i'm not the friend who used her cell phone to call her husband every five minutes on the pizza/Target's excursion.

i speak to my husband enough. if i leave the house, it's so i don't have to keep talking to him. haha

zed? the pizza/Target story totally cracked me up. don't you go away again, hear?

Jul 9, 2007, 12:45:00 AM  
Blogger Dick Small said...

Is this the same friend that asked if you were going to leave so she could have lunch?

Jul 9, 2007, 3:41:00 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I am sending you my cell number. I want updates on the half hour as to your activities.

Thank you.

Jul 9, 2007, 6:24:00 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

I'm proud to have remained cell phone-free thus far, in part to avoid the possibility of becoming like this.

Jul 9, 2007, 8:31:00 AM  
Blogger Lynda said...

I have the same question as Dick Small. Is this the same lunch friend?

My husband and I call if we are going to be delayed, like #2, just so we know the other isn't lying in a ditch somewhere. And with the way he sometimes drives, that is good to know. I make it a point not to call *while* driving though.

Jul 9, 2007, 9:22:00 AM  
Blogger Zed said...

Dick and Lynda,
No this is a different friend. She doesn't invite me to lunch at all. :)

Thanks, Mr. Fab. I'll be checking in with you regularly. And here's another good number: 212-555-1212. Speed dial: 411.

Chris, resist. Resist I say! Good man.

Jul 9, 2007, 10:31:00 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

I rarely even turn
my cell phone on..

My husband is always
on his

I can't stand it

Jul 9, 2007, 11:03:00 AM  
Blogger Dick Small said...

Well if it's not the same person, you're sure lousy at choosing friends.

Jul 9, 2007, 11:13:00 AM  
Blogger Zed said...

Dick, actually I dropped this friend last year. I shall not be ignored! :)

I'm FAR better at picking blogging friends.

Jul 9, 2007, 11:49:00 AM  
Anonymous gifted typist said...

How about this one-sided convo: The cell phone rings in the theatre in the middle of the play.

pause as other person speaks
"I'm in the theatre"
"The Queen musical: We will rock you"
"no, it isn't"

Jul 9, 2007, 12:46:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

Haha! Good one, GT! I wonder if this inspired the performers to try harder.

Jul 9, 2007, 12:50:00 PM  
Blogger Tanya Espanya said...

Ohmygod, all these comments are hilarious!

Jul 9, 2007, 2:04:00 PM  
Blogger tmollie said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Jul 9, 2007, 5:02:00 PM  
Blogger tmollie said...

Wow that would drive me crazy.

My conversation would go something like this:

Are you trying to annoy me with all those calls?

I hate the way some are with their cells, talk any where any time. They don't care what others hear or what they say.

Jul 9, 2007, 5:06:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

Hey tmollie, the thing that kills me is the recipient LIKES getting the calls, wants them to CONTINUE, and ENCOURAGES the caller with "So call me when you get to Target's."

I say we need a whole new branch of psychiatry/psychology for the study of ... "cell-phone over-users."

Jul 9, 2007, 5:28:00 PM  
Blogger tmollie said...

I think for some reason it makes people feel needed/important. It is like they saying hey look at me.
I especially hate the walkie talkie ones where you can hear both sides of the conversation.

I have been known to glare at people in resturants till they shut their phone off.

Jul 9, 2007, 8:08:00 PM  
Blogger Zhu said...

I don't want a cell phone for emergencies. Cause I know the minute I'm gonna need it really bad, the network is gonna be down or I didn't pay the last bill or something.

I'm not being pessimistic. Just realistic :D

Jul 9, 2007, 8:20:00 PM  
Blogger Dale said...

They walk among us all Zed although I wouldn't necessarily term them alive.

Jul 9, 2007, 9:04:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

Zhu, you are way too similar to me. I use my cell phone 3-4 times a month, and each time I attempt to use it, it is dead as a doornail, for I have forgotten to charge it. Life isn't easy. Waaaa!

Dale, I resisted making any reference in my post to zombies or the walking dead, but you did, and I'm glad the silence is broken. You are a wise man, oh Dale of the North. A wise man with strange relatives and a Nintendo Wii, but what the heck, wise nonetheless.

Jul 9, 2007, 9:21:00 PM  
Blogger Lynda said...

It always cracks me up when I see people on a date with and they are on their phone and not paying attention to the person they are with.

I told my husband he better not do that to me.

Jul 11, 2007, 5:04:00 PM  
Blogger GETkristiLOVE said...

I'm typing to you now, I'll type more letters in a second.

Okay, I'm at the next sentence now, do you need any more?

Okay then, here I am, at the last paragraph, I'm about to sign off now.


Jul 11, 2007, 6:16:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

Haha, GKL! I don't want to be picky or anything, but you forgot the salutation and closing. But I'll be okay without them ... this time.

Jul 14, 2007, 5:59:00 PM  
Blogger Ehav Ever said...

There was a funny bit on the Jamie Kennedy Experiment about load talking people on their phones.

Jul 18, 2007, 2:10:00 PM  

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