Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Setting the Nations Straight

When I had my first blog visitor, I almost had a heart attack and rewrote my response to that person 12 times so there wouldn't be any chance of chasing him or her away. Since then I have had over 20,000 visitors to two sites (this and my former Windows Live blog) and I've met some pretty incredible, wonderful people. I used to blog for myself; now I blog for me AND for them.

Even though I kept away from my Clustrmap for a while, I went there today and saw that visitors are still coming from faraway places, even though I haven't been using traffic-volumizing sites like BlogMad or Blog Explosion for months now.

Visitors have stopped by from places like China, Malta, Sardinia, Iraq, Israel, South Africa, India, Turkey, Tenerife and the Canary Islands, Egypt, Cyprus, Vietnam, South Korea and Japan. The list goes on and on. I don't get it. Even France, my mortal blogging enemy, has come a-callin'.

So at the beginning of this new year, I've decided since these nations have become regular visitors, I should have some input into the way some of these countries "perform":

1. France, it took a little arm-twising and diplomacy from Sans Pantaloons to encourage your prime minister, Monsieur Chirac, to get your people to visit me. But since then, visitors are coming from 6 different cities. Now that the tide has turned, you owe me. You have never sent me even so much as eclairs chocolat for 12 nor a nice bowl of fruit. Think about it. You can do better. How about crepes suzette? Show some sign of remorse. And don't try to push yucky escargot on me...

2. South Korea, I realize you're not on the greatest terms of diplomacy with North Korea, but I'd appreciate anything you can do to get the loony leader of that nation to stop setting off tests of nuclear weapons. Can someone over there find out his true interests (say, a visit from Bono, a trip to Disney World, a The World According to Zed tee-shirt) and I'll do what I can to arrange a visit or a trip or send him a tee-shirt (I'll need size and color preference please)? Let's do this before he blows up entire sections of Earth in one fell swoop. Disney World can take him as early as next week.

3. India, hi. Curry. I don't get it. What exactly is the big fascination with curry? It tastes weird and upsets my stomach. It upsets lots of people's stomachs. I think you should stop eating it immediately for the sake of the health of your nation. Try pasta. In vodka sauce. You'll love it! Mangia!

4. Malta and Sardinia. Isn't it all beaches after beaches after beaches? How dull! :) And do you import most items since you're an island? Prices must be high what with all the importing you have to do. Why don't you all just move to Italy? It's nice there, the living's good, great artwork, great jewelry in Florence, and you can visit Malta and Sardinia for two-week vacations. Does that work for you? No?

5. Tenerife and the Canary Islands. See note to Malta and Sardinia. The only difference is you would all move to Morocco and visit the Canary Islands for your two-week vacation. You're way too close to the volcano anyway. Who needs all that ash?

I'll visit other nations later. But for now, I want to say this:

All foreign nations are welcome in The World According to Zed, and I'll try to set you straight about what's important in the world and what's not. Someone needs to set you straight, trust me. Or if you don't trust me, trust Mel. We're taking over the world this year.

Come on back anytime, world.

22 Comments:

Blogger Jenni Lee said...

I am glad that your blog became such a sucess! and i would totaly apreciate it if you would vist my blogs! please tell me what you think!

Jan 2, 2007, 7:36:00 PM  
Anonymous jane said...

i think you've gone over the edge, zed. lol. make bigger demands. france owes you at least free hotel space on the riviera, and germany should send you down the rhein or danube during the beer and wine festivals. switzerland should make you fondue, and vietnam should send you, hmmm, rice. get tough. there's no such thing as a free lunch anymore.

Jan 2, 2007, 8:28:00 PM  
Blogger Sans Pantaloons said...

All Hail Zed!
All Hail Mel!
How sycophantic would you like me to be?
Are your cockatoo wounds healing?
Oven gloves may be required.
Please pass my regards to your wounded mailman.

Jan 2, 2007, 8:33:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

I'm going in to see the cockatoo with my cat-shaped oven mitts. I'm thinking the cockatoo will be behavin'. ha!

Sans, the mailman will sort through your mail and eliminate junk mail for you. You just need to fly him to Scotland ... small price to pay, I say. :)

Happy New Year!

Jan 2, 2007, 8:46:00 PM  
Blogger Dale said...

Your blog title is becoming clearer to me.

Jan 2, 2007, 10:01:00 PM  
Anonymous teri said...

I totally agree with Jane!

and I can't wait for you and Mel to take over the planet, it will be a much BETTER place.

Jan 2, 2007, 10:24:00 PM  
Blogger Tanya Espanya said...

I just realized something (I know, I'm a bit slow).

Zed is how we Canadians say the last letter of the alphabet, so does this mean you're some sort of Canadian or Brit?

Did you write about it in one of your earlier posts and I just didn't get around to reading it yet because I'm too busy eating cereal?

Shouldn't it be the World According to Zee?

How many posts do I now have to go through to find out the answer? I'm overwhelming myself with the questions, so I'm going to take a nap.

Jan 2, 2007, 10:38:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

Tanya, no I'm not Canadian. But I do LOVE Canadians. Does that count?

I could leave you hanging and having to search through 200 or so posts for why I'm called Zed, but you're pregnant. (Great excuse for EVERYTHING.) So, the short answer is--now follow this closely:

1. Take my screen name (you know, the one attached to my personal email account, the one I can't tell you or anyone one else, or I'd have to kill you.)
2. REVERSE IT.
3. The last 3 letters will be Zed. Or something very similar.

Voila! There you go. I'd never have told you that if you weren't pregnant. But pregnant women need all the concessions we can make.
_________

Dale, I'm consistent if nothing else. In this case, and many others, I'm consistently nuts.

Jan 3, 2007, 12:37:00 AM  
Blogger Zed said...

Teri, if you have any interest, you may rule the planet with Mel and me, no initiation fee or anything...

That's 'cause you're my sister. Otherwise you'd have to pay $2000. :)

Jan 3, 2007, 12:38:00 AM  
Anonymous Marzi said...

Hey Zed, long time no blog. Happy New Year.

I think you made a mistake here. Don't ASK these people from all these sovereign nations to PLEASE DO anything. Command! It's the way of the world, and this is, after all, The World According to Zed. You rule.

Hope you had great holidays. I had a great time but think I put on 10 lbs.

Jan 3, 2007, 1:05:00 AM  
Blogger Scarlet said...

You have to get your curry understanding worked out. Surely there is a good Indian restuarant nearby? Although I read an article that MORE Indians own and run highway motels than all other nationalities combined!!

Jan 3, 2007, 1:53:00 AM  
Anonymous mixednut said...

Can I get a World According To Zed t-shirt?
Large please.
Thanks.

Jan 3, 2007, 2:00:00 AM  
Blogger Tanya Espanya said...

Oooh, I'm intrigued now...Perez, Fernandez, Martinez? Am I close? Am I on the right track? Maybe you and your people are where my people re from? I give it away in my name...Tanya Espanya...get it? Yay, we're cousins! I love meeting my family!

Jan 3, 2007, 7:53:00 AM  
Blogger Zed said...

Actually, Scarlet, an awful lot of Indians own 7-11's 'round here. Gas stations not so much. But curry is a flavor that just will NOT go away. It hangs on for centuries! I've tried to like it, but it ain't happening. So, sorry Indian people, you're going to have to give it up, at least in the world of Zed.

Mixednut, I'll put in your order for a large tee-shirt and when I manufacture tee-shirts you'll be the first to get one (after the crazy guy from N. Korea). Happy New Year!

Tanya, I wish I could say I was of hispanic background, but I can't. Notice that I said you reverse my screen name, not my real name ... Don't worry, it's a pregnancy thing and you're going to be just fine again in just a few months. :) We love you, you "Espania" person you!

Jan 3, 2007, 10:46:00 AM  
Blogger Tanya Espanya said...

Zed, right, screen name...scream name...Yes, I had heard about that whole pregnancy brain thing and it is proving true. Thank you for your patience, kind words and babysitting...I remain crushing you with my love. I also love curry.

Jan 3, 2007, 11:05:00 AM  
Blogger Zed said...

Oh yeah... the babysitting... what are you paying?

Oh, alright, I'll do it for free.

Jan 3, 2007, 11:42:00 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Good for you for taking a stand!

Jan 3, 2007, 3:55:00 PM  
Blogger Jenni Lee said...

thanks for the info and i went back and changed the font colors on my other blog!

Jan 3, 2007, 5:43:00 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

So, making demands on visiting countries is what draws them in and keeps them coming?

I thought it was the Clamato.

Jan 3, 2007, 8:35:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

I'm a very strong person, Mr. Fab. Nations crumble at my feet.

Amy, I won't argue that Clamato had a small influence on those countries, and sometimes I mention Marshmallow Fluff--which is a big hit, especially in Sardinia, Malta, and the Canary Islands--but in general, it's saying to them "Look, you'll do it my or ... there's the highway" that works the best. Try it, they'll come running!

Jan 3, 2007, 9:21:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

Jenni Lee, now I can READ everything, but everything is green. What if you changed the blog text to black?

I'm not trying to be hard on you, just helpful. But ultimately you need to do what works best for you. You're doing a good job though!

Jan 3, 2007, 9:23:00 PM  
Blogger Teena said...

I LOVE curry! Yum! Yum! Yum!

Jan 4, 2007, 12:20:00 AM  

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