Saturday, August 26, 2006

Clamato Tortilla Chips--Why, God? Why?

This lovely looking blue package appears so bright and cheery that it doesn't begin to hint at the horror that is to follow on biting into the cute bright-red tortilla chips inside.
Tonight, at a party serving these chips, guests had the following reactions:
  1. Four guests immediately lost all of their hair. The hair then shriveled up and burst into flames that could not be extinguished.
  2. One guest was no longer able to speak or even blink. He made obscene hand gestures however, indicating his displeasure with the chips.
  3. Five guests kept hitting their heads against the table and crying out "Why, God? Why?"
  4. Two guests threw their remaining Clamato Torilla Chips to the dog, who ate them and died shortly after.
  5. One person stripped himself naked and did the un-happy dance before upchucking for 3 hours straight.
  6. One guest turned into Satan himself, and for the rest of the night tried to get everyone to sell him their souls.

What genius came up with this idea? Tortilla chips DO NOT cry out for CLAM JUICE. Oh no they don't.

I realize everyone has different tastes, but if you like this stuff, the truth is you need to be locked away in a tall, gray, dank tower with uniformed guards who push your meal selections through a slot at the bottom of the cell door. You, my friend, are a danger to society and need to be kept behind prison bars for the protection of the rest of us.


Anonymous Marzi said...

I tried these once andhave never been the same. I now loot local department stores following natural disasters and wear funny-looking suspenders with tailored dresses and skirts.

Aug 27, 2006, 12:20:00 AM  
Blogger Zed said...

I'm thinking of holding a telethon to warn as many people as possible away from these tortilla chips.

No one should have to suffer the torture others have been forced to endure in eating this disastrous, nasty snack.

Aug 27, 2006, 12:56:00 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

What is the going rate for a soul these days? I'm working off last year's price list.

Aug 27, 2006, 8:14:00 AM  
Blogger Doctor Mom said...

I would imagine that I'll be seeing these folks in the Emergency Department soon!

That means I'll need to put out another Public Health Bulletin... like the one we would use for the Bird Flu should work!

Aug 27, 2006, 8:48:00 AM  
Blogger Teri said...

I'm guessing they don't taste like the regular tortilla chips, huh?

Aug 27, 2006, 9:57:00 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

These are the same people
that enjoy Pork Rinds,Sardines
and pigs feet


Aug 27, 2006, 11:11:00 AM  
Blogger Teri said...

Mr. Fab, I've heard that soul prices have plummeted, even though the war and gas prices have sky rocketed. Strange huh?

Aug 27, 2006, 12:33:00 PM  
Blogger Zed said...

I was gone all day, busy having local police and sheriff departments arrest anyone who was found indulging in Clamato Tortilla Chips.

People who consume these chips doesn't deserve to walk the streets.

Aug 27, 2006, 7:00:00 PM  
Anonymous jane said...

I had one these not long ago and though I was eating clam-tasting sawdust.

I hit my head on the table endlessly until I wound up with a huge welt--but I finished that disgusting thing. I come from a very strong family, and we don't give up.

Aug 27, 2006, 7:27:00 PM  
Blogger Nobody said...

Clams. Blech.

Aug 28, 2006, 9:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've tried Clamato chips. All they taste like is "zesty" or spicy tomato-flavored tortilla chips : The 'clam broth' taste is faint to imperceptible . I like them! I'll be buying these as long as my local grocer stocks them.(Disclaimer : I've never drank Clamato-no idea how close these chips are to the drink.)

Jul 23, 2007, 11:17:00 AM  

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