The World According to Zed

You've Got a Friend ...

2011-04-14T21:52:00.001-04:00

You've Got a Friend

Carole King (Tapestry Album)
Copyright ©1971 by Colgems EMI Music (ASCAP). All Rights Reserved.

When you're down and troubled
and you need a helping hand
and nothing, nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest night

You just call out my name,
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.

If the sky above you
should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind begins to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
and soon I'll be knocking upon your door.

You just call out my name
and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
Hey now, all you have to do is call.
And I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.

Hey ain't it good to know that you've got a friend
When people can be so cold?
They'll hurt you, and they'll desert you.
They'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh, but don't you let them

You just call out my name
and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
Hey now, all you have to do is call.
Lord, I'll bee there, yes I will.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.

I'll be back, but I don't know when. Someday soon. If you need me, write me. You've got a friend.

Zed
zedsworld@msn.com

They're Not Trying to Be This Beautiful ... It's Accidental

2011-04-08T23:45:00.000-04:00

Ms. Frankie. She may look humble, but she smacks Johnny
on the head whenever he walks by.

Handsome Johnny. He eats first his food, then moves on to Frankie's food.
It understandable that Frankie smacks him whenever he walks by.

Mr. Cat Universe. He's got super good looks
and large muscles, but he's not conceited about it.


Frankie, The Cat with the Golden Eyes. Where's Johnny? She wants to smack him a few times.

Photos taken today by my friend and neighbor, Sharon.

Positive Marketing

2011-04-05T00:33:00.001-04:00

Was $249.99; Now on Sale for Only $259.99

What if this sort of thinking was taken further?

1. "We're giving you a raise. You were earning $65,000 a year, but we're reducing your salary to $40,000 in May. You'll pay far fewer taxes! Isn't that great? Congratulations!"

2. "We're having a two-for-one sale. If you buy one item, we'll only charge you for two. Deals like this don't come along every day!"

3. "We could charge you just $17,999 for this new car, but we won't. We want you to look like a big spender, a dynamic buyer, so we're charging you $45,999 instead. It's for your benefit!"

He SHOULD BE Depressed

2011-03-31T15:25:00.000-04:00

He does look a bit under the weather, I have to admit ...

I'd offer to help this guy, but honestly, with sideburns so long and fluffy; a combover; an overgrown and overly full mustache; and an ugly, bulky, shoulder-padded dark-gray wrinkled overcoat, he should be depressed. Get this man a stylist! Stat!

Hudson River Views. Wait. No. That's Mauritius!

2011-03-28T15:00:00.000-04:00

Outside my window, the Hudson River is rather dark, non-blue, and murky (possibly from the decomposing bodies in there, human and animal).

The Hudson River doesn't quite compare to the waters surrounding Mauritius, 900 km to the east of Madagascar, off to the east of Africa.

Could someone send me a pre-paid plane ticket to Mauritius? I have heard it is the only way to fully recuperate from the stomach flu. At least that's what I heard.

My Green Skin

2011-03-25T13:52:00.000-04:00

Do not under any circumstances get this year's stomach flu. DO NOT. No, no, no. NO! You have been warned. Three to five days of pure hell.

That picture? Nope, that's not me. I'm greener.

Please stay well, everyone!

The Irish Sure Have a Way with Words

2011-03-23T22:41:00.001-04:00

1
May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.

2
No butter be on your milk nor on your ducks a web
May your child not walk and your cow be flayed
And may the flame be bigger and wider
Which will go through your soul
Than the Connemara mountains
If they were on fire

3
May you be afflicted with the itch and have no nails to scratch with!

Ah, the Irish. They sure have a way with words.

The Good Stuff's Inside

2011-03-22T10:39:00.001-04:00

Catnip, anyone? (from Frankie's stash)

Dunce

2011-03-19T11:37:00.000-04:00

marriedtothesea.com

Dunce.

Rigatoni and the Faeries Aire

2011-03-15T10:54:00.000-04:00

I sat down to play something on the piano this morning, and I chose one of the less difficult pieces I have available. The sheet music was hidden away in my piano bench, along with very simple things like Beatles pieces and "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."

I just breezed through this one, though when I came to the instruction "Rigatoni" halfway through the first page, I must admit I was unsure whether to speed things up or slow things down. I'm just plain unfamiliar with the "Rigatoni" notation.

If only I could play this wonderful piece for you here. You'll just have to imagine the beauty of it all and how incredibly well I play it.

Music notation for babies and wimps.

No DisneyWorld for Mrs. Brown

2011-03-11T09:40:00.001-05:00

Even in her final days, Mrs. Brown could not find anyone to cut her a break. No DisneyWorld for her.

Beer and Hot Dog Gum

2011-03-09T12:43:00.000-05:00

Here's a non-yummy food item for you (if one can consider this food):

Imagine you're at Yankees Stadium cheering on your favorite team and you think "How can I participate wholeheartedly in this game without (a) going on the field and getting arrested or (b) getting drunk on beer and committing a DUI on the way back to Brooklyn?" You know what you can do? You can chew Hot Dog Gum! Or Peanut Gum! And forget about the real beer! Instead, chew Beer Gum!

Yummy!

Get it here: http://www.fredflare.com/customer/product.php?productid=6860&cat=418

Bacon for Your Boo-Boos

2011-03-07T19:19:00.001-05:00

Come and get 'em. Bacon bandages.

The Fred Flare site has an entire bandage collection for your future boo-boos:

http://www.fredflare.com/customer/product.php?productid=2331&cat=311

I can only hope that scrambled egg bandages will not be far behind.

I Long for Dead Fish in Plastic Wrappers ...

2011-03-06T13:12:00.000-05:00

Here's a snack. Yum. Not.

I went recently to one of the Korean markets in town, and of the 14 long aisles in the store, 1 has food with recognizable labels. Some food with recognizable labels. Most of the labels have no image to help one figure out what's in the can, and the lettering is entirely written in Korean.

In an aisle containing peanut butter, no Skippy Super Chunk, no Skippy Creamy Peanut Butter, no Skippy anything could be found. No Peter Pan or Jiff. Off brands ruled. I was devastated. I bought some honey, but it might be thickened gluey pee, I don't know. I'm GUESSING it is honey. There was no Half 'n Half, no cream, no yogurt. There WAS milk, but none of it was 1%, 2%, or skim. It was milk. Period.

Unidentifiable Korean beverage. I'd like a diet Dr. Pepper please.

There were aisles containing barrels of what could have been fish. These fish didn't have tails, scales, or even eyes in some cases. So scarey. And the barrels were not covered--the fish just resided within. I rushed off those aisles, fearing a fish might jump out at me.

Fish, I thnk. Maybe.

Of possibly 200 people in the supermarket, I was one of three Americans. When we three saw each other, we ran toward each other with open arms, and spoke with great warmth, though we were strangers. I wanted to hug this unknown couple right there in aisle 3 and invite them to dinner. They told me they didn't recognize any of the foods and felt lost and alone. I appeared as an oasis in a vast dry desert. From my inner being, I felt truly loved and I loved these people in return.

More fish, possibly.

In all, I bought honey, unidentifiable milk, a possible can of tuna fish (won't know for certain until I open it), peanut butter (surely not Skippy), Splenda and Special K (they sell Splenda and Special K, go figure). I did not buy fresh "fish" from the barrels. Or meat, at $16.49/lb.

Oh how I long for the former days of identifiable food products. I long for English lettering on food cans. I long for 2% milk and Skippy peanut butter. I long for beef at $3.49/lb. I long for food that I recognize. I long for dead fish in plastic wrappers. Where is my dead fish in plastic wrappers?

Thirteen Words That Might Change the World

2011-03-04T18:44:00.000-05:00

I purchased a birthday card for one of my friends today.

The birthday card I chose had six words on the front, seven words on the inside, and was wrapped in plastic. There was no special picture, drawing, or anything else but a little bit of pink on the first page and a total of 13 words.

That must have been an important author who wrote the words in this plain greeting card--say, Jane Austin, Lord Byron, or Ernest Hemingway, someone who needed to rise from his or her grave to compose this message. The card and the 13 words cost $6.99; with local/state tax, approx. $7.49. I hope you understand, this was a greeting card I purchased, not a paperback novel.

I hope my friend likes the card. I really, really do. I hope it is the best card she and her family have ever seen. I hope her kids are inspired and decide to become an important author like Austen, Byron, or Hemingway. I hope it brings tears to my friend's mother's eyes, and makes her husband love her even more. I hope all this, 'cause for $7.49 for a small piece of folded paper and 13 words, it is the least I can expect.

Bad Singers

2011-02-28T21:25:00.003-05:00

A friend swears that she was asked to perform in an opera as well as in a Broadway play because of her great singing voice.

I'd never heard her sing before, until recently, during American Idol, which I watch frequently enough with her and her husband. I cannot state it any more emphatically: The woman cannot carry a tune and is completely and totally tone deaf. T-o-n-e d-e-a-f.

I'm staying home this week. I can watch AI on my own television.

And the worst singers always sing the loudest. Apparently, it's the law.

Could be ...

2011-02-26T23:08:00.000-05:00

I'm going to post again. Honest. Just not today.

It's possible I'll post tomorrow, but if it's sunny, I won't be home tomorrow. So try me Monday. Yes, definitely Monday I'll post. Or Tuesday. But maybe tomorrow.

2011-02-17T16:51:00.002-05:00

marriedtothesea.com

Getting the Crankiness Out

2011-02-15T15:08:00.001-05:00

     

         Grrrrr.  

Boo!

Take a hike!

Buzz off!

Wow, I was feeling particularly cranky today before I posted that. ... Thanks, everyone!

Normal blogging will return to this page tomorrow February 16, or maybe not.

Stupidity at Its Finest

2011-02-10T14:34:00.001-05:00

I have no words. None.

Ringy-Dingy at the Gigantic Infrastructure and Waste of Everyone's Time Corporation

2011-02-08T19:32:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I called my former employer (Gigantic Infrastructure and Waste of Everyone's Time Corporation), and a recorded message said: If you know the name of the person you are trying to reach, please press 596279 NOW. Otherwise, please stay on the line. Fine. I knew the name of the person I was trying to reach, so I dialed 596279.

Another recording now said: If you know the name of the person you are trying to reach, please enter it NOW, beginning with the last name and followed by the first few letters of the person's first name, followed by the pound (#) sign. For names containing a Z, please use the 9 key.

All of our extensions are now preceded by a three-digit code. If the number you previously called was, for example, extension 3549, you must now add 493 before the 3549 extension. You would dial 493-3549 to connect with the person you are trying to reach. Please make a note of the extension prefix for your records, since notice of this addition to our phone system will be removed from this message by June 18, 2011. The number 493 must still used, but callers will no longer notified through this message that it is required.

Wow, this phone call was getting rough! So much pressure! I spelled out the person's last name using the numeric pad, but a recording said: There is no such name in our database. Please try again.

OK, it's possible I misdialed. I entering the name again very slowly and carefully. Again, the recording said: There is no such name in our database. Please try again.

I got through finally and of course the call went directly to voice mail. Since I was already connected to the company, I thought I'd call the personnel department with a question about benefits, but apparently the phone system does not allow someone to reach specific departments, only specific p-e-o-p-l-e. Great. I was told: If you do NOT know the name or extension of the person you are trying to reach, please press 596280 or hold the line for an operator.

Well, there was no point in holding the line for an operator since I know for a fact that this company doesn't HAVE an operator, and haven't had one since the recession started. They only have this stupid non-human-being electronic telephone system. Further, I couldn't even imagine the point of pressing 596280 again. So, I pressed 596280. Again. The recording said: You have reached the end of this message. If you were unable to speak with the party you were trying to reach, please try calling back again later.

And it was at this point the Gigantic Infrastructure and Waste of Everyone's Time Corporation hung up on me. THEY hung up on ME. Oh, the injustice ...

A Grumbling Request

2011-02-05T15:24:00.000-05:00

And make it Cabernet Sauvignon, please.

From www.marriedtothesea.com

The Triangular, Four-Sided, Pointy-Top Scheme

2011-02-04T11:08:00.001-05:00

A while back, I attended a meeting concerning the building of a home-based business–well, actually, it turned out to be a meeting for the building of a pyramid scheme.

At the end of a long, droning, boring, Gantt chart presentation, I asked one of the presenters for written material about how the company works and how someone actually makes money beyond the people at the top of that thing they had drawn on the chalkboard that sure looked like a "pyramid," but that they refused to call a "pyramid."

They told me no, they couldn’t give me any written material on the "we're-not-a-pyramid" operation because I might share it with someone and that person might not "understand properly how the company worked." Yeah, that person might think it’s a pyramid scheme.

After that, I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. However, they were just as happy to see me go because I had dared to question how this pyramid-scheme-they-refused-to-call-a-pyramid-scheme works. In fact, once I asked that question of them, they literally turned away from me, crossed the room, and put all of their attention into some poor soul who had driven in all the way from Staten Island and who, at the end of the meeting, said, "Well, how would I get involved?" Uh-oh; mistake. What was this Staten Island guy (SIG) thinking!?

With that, the two presenters, one male and one female, descended on this SIG like birds of prey, sitting on each side of him, smiling, almost cheek to cheek, ready to get him to sign up. The woman presenter kept touching his arm and smiling seductively, leaning forward in such a way that her bosom was just inches from his face. The male pyramid scheme guy just kept talking in circles, round and round, saying not much of anything except to insist the SIG would eventually earn a lot of money and eventually just sit back and collect profits on the efforts of everyone else. Right. Probably not.

All I could think was, yeah, let's everyone buy $300 of this company's products to get started, spend hours of precious time selling the products, get nothing in return for years, pay $100 for the privilege of becoming a distributor, and maintain and continually reinvest in a $250 inventory.

Here, let us give you this MONEY so we can SELL your products for you. Hey, show me where to sign up!

As I grabbed my bag and said a quick goodnight (the presenters never even looked at me as I left), I heard the SIG ask for a pen to "sign up." Sad. Even now, a few years later, I think of him and how he'd been taken, as many have before him. Sad. Welcome aboard the "triangular, four-sided, pointy-top scheme" train. We're going for a ride!

Visit Egypt if you must (well not right now), but don't invest in companies using this scheme.

The Toaster Oven from Spookyville

2011-02-01T21:40:00.002-05:00

All of these years, I have been the only human on Earth who doesn't own a toaster oven (well, me and the Amish). But I went to Target last week and got myself a neat-o model.

After a few days I noticed the lettering on the front right corner of the oven window that says something like, "If a fire should erupt, keep the oven door closed and pull out the plug."

Not my model, but close. Very close.

Things go on fire in there? Really? So now I stand and watch everything I cook. If it takes 20 minutes, I’m standing there staring at the oven for 20 minutes, or I pull up a chair and stare. I’m glued to the front of the toaster oven and try not to blink.

And it makes inexplicable, ear-piercing clanging noises as if it’s possessed. Loud, clanging sounds, like a ghost wearing heavy chains and dragging its feet. I’m surprised it doesn’t cry out "Mary! Mary!" or "Boo!"or "Is Jack Nicholson available if they turn this into a movie?"

It’s the toaster oven from the town of Spookyville, but it's mine and I'm loving it. I’m in the twenty-first century now, baby. Next I might buy a blender. Yes, a blender.

What Mess?!?

2011-01-30T22:44:00.001-05:00

This afternoon, a neighbor showed up unexpectedly at the door and asked if she could come in so I could sign a petition regarding my building, what I like to call The Fortress. I said "sure." Big mistake.

I had worked since early morning, and I didn't realize there were bits of cat fur rolling down the tiled hallway and across the wood-planked living-room floor. In addition, the sauce pan used to saute mushrooms was still on the stove, minus the mushrooms. The kitchen sink had a few items in it that I planned to put in the dishwasher four minutes before the bell rang--I never got around to it.

There were also two small bags of garbage: one contained a bit of used scoopable litter and the other contained two empty cans of cat food, as well as several items I took from the fridge and intended to, yes, that's right, throw down the garbage shute. Not the cleanest this place has ever been, but certainly not horrific. If I had been given four additional minutes, I could have run to the garbage room and then put everything in the dishwasher. Voila! The place would have looked great! Only thing left would have been the rolling cat hair.

I kept apologizing to this person, a stranger, and stammering about the mess in my apartment. Things were being put in the dishwasher as we spoke. I even used vanilla Febreeze spray to make sure everything smelled super. I looked like an indentured servant picking up for the Queen.

So, now GET THIS, on the way out the woman said, "Go. Clean up the mess. Bye!" Huh? Huh? I repeat: Huh?

I let go of the door, and it slammed, narrowly missing her butt. Through the closed door, I shouted "Sorry!" Let's face it, while I can say this place is a mess, this woman can't.

Mess? She said, "Clean up the mess"? What mess?!?

... Got to clean up that cat hair!

Hey, Consider Your Giving a Response a Public Service

2011-01-29T17:17:00.003-05:00

Any one here use this?

twitter

I've never signed up for either Twitter or FaceBook, but Twitter seems the better of the two evils.

Do you like it? Worth signing up for? Waste of time?

Consider your answer a public service. Thanks!

My Cats Own a Steakhouse

2011-01-19T15:45:00.000-05:00

So THIS is what they're doing in their spare time.
Where's my cut of the profits? Never mind that, where's my steak?

Where'd Y'all Go, Bloggers?

2011-01-15T00:32:00.001-05:00

I don't know if it's the cold weather, winter doldrums, football, or what, but so many bloggers are missing from their blogs. 3/4 of my "Click Here ..." entries in the sidebar are missing.

Maybe it's the rapture and I've been left behind. (I really, really, really hope not.) Or maybe you are all busy counting pennies in jars and closets after having overspent at Christmas. Or maybe, just maybe, you are off on vacation in the Bahamas for a couple of weeks.

Dale, of Passion of the Dale, just came back to blogging, and now everyone has left. Huh ... maybe there's some significance to that. Even Sans Pantaloons, who is the most prolific blogger and commenter I know, is missing.

See those poor people above? They are looking for you all. Why else would they be standing around a scrubby bush with pamphlets and maps in their hands, with looks of confusion and sorrow? I see sorrow and TEARS! Oh yes I do.

Please someone, post. It's so lonely out here in blogging world.

A Pillory

2011-01-11T22:16:00.000-05:00

Townfolk got a call from Mr. T this afternoon, and this time he's not only threatening to take first-born children and pets weighing less than 10 pounds (I'm trying to fatten up my girl cat Frankie as quickly as I can) but Mr. T said if homeowners attempted to throw snow into the streets or onto sidewalks, they would have to spend three days in the pillory in the center of town. There was also talk of whips, which I dare not get into.

Teri's right. Where are all these cars supposed to be moved to? Huh?

A pillory and a whip:

Ouch.

Guess Who I Heard From?

2011-01-07T13:50:00.002-05:00

It's snowing. Guess who called this morning?

Mr. Threatening: "Move your car or your vehicle will be towed. If you don't move your car, you'll be fined $250 and we will take your first-born and pets weighing less than 10 pounds. You have been warned."

At the end of the message, Mr. T sighed. So early in the winter and he's worn out already. Where is this man's stamina?!

What's the Steering Wheel for?

2011-01-06T19:07:00.002-05:00

RAND's early prediction (1954?) of what a home computer would look like.

What's the steering wheel for?

Johnny in the Snow

2010-12-30T20:18:00.001-05:00

Johnny Romping in the Snow.

Get That Car Moving, People ...

2010-12-26T13:03:00.001-05:00

It's snowing, and the local Police Department called everyone in my town's database to say "Move your vehicles off our streets so we can plow away the snow, or we're towing and impounding your cars. And when you're shoveling, don't throw any snow in the street either, or you'll receive a $250 fine. Thank you, and have a nice day."

Such a heart-warming and Christmas-y feeling ... I was moved.

Cat Christmas Wishes

2010-12-22T01:18:00.000-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS

and HAPPY NEW YEAR
from Frankie, Johnny and Zed!

We send cat hugs to all!

We'll All Be Sitting in the Dark Soon

2010-12-16T01:15:00.000-05:00

Wow. There are an awful lot of lights on this house. It's beautiful, but goodness, all that wasted energy. Yeah, I know, bah humbug, and all that. All I can say is, it's no wonder we're running out of energy in this country.

Enjoy, even if we'll all be sitting in the dark soon.

Hallelujah and Amen

2010-12-13T20:41:00.031-05:00

My computer died on Saturday.

It remained dead for parts of 3 days.

And today it was resurrected. Hallelujah!

T'was not the hard drive at all; was only the power supply. Amen. Amen. And amen.

ICELAND HAS A RED DOT!

2010-12-09T00:10:00.001-05:00

There's a red dot on Iceland!


ICELAND! The island up north in the enter on the map!


ICELAND! TO THE NORTHWEST ON THE MAP.

My life is complete!

Uh-Oh

2010-12-04T13:49:00.000-05:00

I feel as if I’ve been hit on the head with a sledgehammer and find myself all congested and foggy-brained and yucky.

Add to that horror, I slept on my stomach and now have huge dents in my facial skin that look monsterlike. If I were to leave my apartment, I’d be arrested for terroristic acts.

When I went to Target yesterday, two little girls and their mom in front of me were coughing and sneezing on me every two seconds and a woman behind me was sneezing on the back of my head. Sorry for the TMI.

I’m heading back to bed. I feel awful.

It's Target Time!!

2010-12-02T13:15:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling mighty cranky today ... so it must be time for a visit to Target's!!!

Here's what I'm getting.

A Garmin nuvi GPS system:

Because I'm tired of getting lost.

Fleece jacket:

Fleece is the best!

Velcro rollers:

Rollin', rollin', rolling...

Fleece pants:


*Wow. That Wii is really working for me!!*

Need anything while I'm there?

Random Thoughts

2010-11-30T13:42:00.002-05:00

The Asians were visiting with their sp*m on my last post--14 comments in all. If only it had been the Icelandians. But then, no one lives in Iceland. Look at this image. There are NO people in Iceland.

OK, final random thought: Christmas is just a few short weeks away. Get busy shopping, people. This reminder is mostly for me; I'm sure the rest of you have already bought and wrapped all you presents. Bunch of overachievers.

Today's Monday, Isn't It?

2010-11-27T01:19:00.002-05:00

I cannot possibly be the only one who is confused about what day it is ever since Thursday, Thanksgiving?

On Friday, I kept thinking it was Sunday. Now it's Saturday and I think it's Monday. Is it the turkey enzymes? One too many helpings of Killer potatoes?

I KNOW I am not the only one who thinks today is Monday. Try as you might, you can't fool me, people.

Happy Thanksgiving One and All

2010-11-24T10:49:00.001-05:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING ONE AND ALL

I'll be making my world-famous Killer mash potatoes again this year, prepared with sour cream, butter, and cream cheese, baked until bubbly, and served to the impatient masses.

This year, I suggested I make something different--you know, like n-o-r-m-a-l potatoes--but the masses demanded the Killer potatoes, and I am here to please the masses (at least on Thanksgiving). Fine, may the clogged arteries begin ...

Have a great day everyone! See you Friday!

Caramel Macchiato Ice Cream

2010-11-18T18:56:00.001-05:00

Starbucks Caramel Macchiato Ice Cream

There is simply nothing better on Earth.

Oh, OK, maybe one or two things. But not much.

2010-11-18T01:25:00.001-05:00

Do the men and women who take you to the loony bin still wear white coats? Because I think they'll be here any minute. I'm loonier than a loon this week.

Maybe I'm watching too much TV. Too many of the Real Housewives programs (NY, NJ, Atlanta, Beverly Hills, DC) on Bravo; the 10th rerun of the Top Chef: Just Desserts series (but I'm learning how to make wonderful desserts!). Plus we've had a lot of rain, I'm stuck inside, I've had a lot of work, and now we have a barefoot fugitive running around the area being chased by U.S. Marshalls. On my way out tonight I turned around and decided to stay home... again. Hey, I didn't want to frighten the fugitive.

Sans the Icelandian

2010-11-12T21:48:00.002-05:00

Created by Sans Pantaloons, the Icelandian (I doubt it).
How cool is that?

Be sure to visit him at: http://sanspantaloons.blogspot.com/

Ken Lee ...

2010-11-11T01:07:00.002-05:00

Please humor me with the posting of another YouTube video. But this one's simply hilarious.

KEN LEE

Ken Lee, tulibu diu douchoo. No, Ken, I can't.

Just Another Fine Product of the State of New Jersey

2010-11-08T01:22:00.001-05:00

Jon Bon Jovi. Adorable. Just another fine product of New Jersey.

It's My Life (rock version): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWjWy287Y4s+

It's My Life (unplugged version): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oX4l4DoE0E

the Daylight Savings Time Song

2010-11-06T01:17:00.000-04:00

Set your clocks back on Saturday night or more precisely at 2:00 A.M. Sunday.

Click the link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2IvWCMH-TU

This public service announcement has been provided by The World According to Zed in an attempt to make us all good, on-time, responsible human beings. This is asking a lot, but it is worth a try.

Well, my goodness, now that’s dancing!

2010-11-05T22:47:00.001-04:00

These people are adorable, but the choreography is from hunger … Don’t miss it.

Click below to view the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLAd-OjLqbg&feature=related

Is that a red dot?

2010-11-04T00:37:00.001-04:00

For one second there, for one second only, I thought I saw a red dot in my Clustrmap on the country of Iceland. Almost no one lives there, and the odds of a visitor from that place are extremely low, but hope sprung forward and my heart beat faster for a moment. Is it possible that an Icelander has visited Zedland!?

But it must have been raspberry jam on the monitor, or tomato sauce, or a hallucination.

It’s alright. I’ll be OK again … some day. Maybe. I hope.

and where are my coco puffs? Korea’s loss and Target’s gain

2010-11-03T13:34:00.001-04:00

In recent months in my hometown, two large American-owned-and-operated supermarkets have shut down due to lack of business (??) to make way for two large-scale Korean supermarkets. America’s in trouble, people; we’re in trouble.

Have I mentioned recently that I do not live in Korea? No? OK. Let me say it out loud: I do not live in Korea. I live in America. Land of American food favorites: hotdogs, hamburgers, steak, canned/foil-pack tuna fish, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes … Are Korean supermarkets catering to the American people’s food favorites? NO. They like fish. And more fish. And then … a little bit more fish. They are in love with fish.

In Korean supermarkets, one sees 10-kazillion aisles of fish and fish products, as well as live/dead fish hanging around in large pickle-holding-type barrels. In fact, out of, say, 10 aisles, 5 of them are devoted to fish. Where are the Coco Puffs? Where is the Fluff? For heaven’s sake, where are the 25 varieties of frozen pizza? Where are the Jimmy Dean breakfasts?! Where are the bagels?

You want to purchase vegetables? Bizarre-looking vegetables can be found, yes. Some of these vegetables look like tree branches. For all I know, they ARE tree branches. Do Koreans eat tree branches?

I saw small strips of beef (tiny, tiny, little strips of beef) that were priced at $16.95/lb. I think it was beef—it could have been beef—who knows? Madagascan rat? Could be. I like to know what I’m eating.

And the amount of American food in such supermarkets is roughly equivalent to … none. Oh, alright, they sell a little American food. I think I saw milk, sugar, Cheerios, and Orbit gum. I cannot live on milk, sugar, Cheerios and Orbit gum.

American non-food products include paper items (towels, toilet paper, napkins) and cat food and litter. The paper product choices are slim: Bounty. I like Viva paper towels. Koreans do not.

American supermarkets have variety in everything: 25 different brands of cereal, snacks, bread, and so on. English muffins came in original, honey wheat, cinnamon raisin, sourdough, cranberry, as well as different size packages: 4-, 6-, and 12-packs. At the Korean market, there is the 4-pack of English muffins in original flavor … maybe. If you’re lucky.

What does this all mean? For me it means I’m not only buying the Nintendo Wii, home-care products, skin-care products, sheets and towels, t-shirts, sneakers, blankets, etc., at Target, I’m now food shopping at Target. I might as well just turn over all my freelance checks to Target and they can dole out some sort of an allowance to me. Because Target, thanks to the Koreans, will soon be taking over the world.

It was the rat

2010-10-29T22:06:00.003-04:00

I used to have a visitor from Madagascar, who has since disappeared. I was fine with that—people move on, interests change, all that—until I read this :

7.5 KILO JUMBO-SIZED RAT FOUND IN MADAGASCAR
A super-sized rat, about the size of a six-month baby, has been discovered in southern Madagascar, local media reported Thursday.

The 7.5-kilogram rattus norvegicus or brown rat was found in the Mandena nature reserve in the tropical south of the vast Indian Ocean island, L'Express newspaper said.

THE RAT WAS ABOUT THE SIZE OF A SIX-MONTH-OLD BABY???!!
Now, follow me on this people: Since the former The World According to Zed reader lives in Madagascar, and almost no one lives in Madagascar, and he or she is now missing, it doesn’t take much to put 2 and 2 together:

It was the rat. My condolences to the Madagascar reader’s family. So sad.

ETA: Now THESE are rats:

Wii for Me

2010-10-27T13:34:00.003-04:00

In a few minutes, I'm heading out to buy a Wii at Costco.

While I realize I'm behind the curve on this, at least the price has come down and I can get one for less than $200 now. Being cheap, er, tightfisted, I mean frugal and wise, this works for me--and I can't wait.

Once the Wii's installed, I'm going to play tennis, golf, bowl, and box (well, maybe not), and whatever other junk is on there. I'm going to become super-fit! ...

If you don't hear from me ever again, call the cops. I've had a stroke and can be found in a coma on the office floor.

Spam posts: 12,867; Zed posts: 349

2010-10-24T21:44:00.003-04:00

When I arrived at my blog for the first time in three years, I had 12,867 posts containing nothing but spam.

Some of this spam was in Chinese, Japanese, or Spanish, and I think they were saying, "Coke. It's the real thing."

Some contained links to graphic images of naked women, foreign investment company sites and Phoenix restaurants, and a few endlessly hailed the benefits of Viagra.

A few spam posts referred to my blog as "Perfect!" and "Magnific!" (sp?)--and of course as far as I'm concerned it is in fact perfect and magnificent (how astute of the posters)--and one just kept saying "Please write anything else!" (well, I never).

Blogger's antispam filter thought that some of YOUR posts were spam, especially the posts made by Dale of The Passion of Dale. Dale's posts seemed innocent enough, but who knows what evil lurked within?

It took me six hours to manually remove all 12,000 pieces of spam. Why God, why? If there is some joy a person gains in sending my blog 8,000 posts saying "Perfect!", I cannot fathom what it could possibly be.

But was it worth it to get rid of all that junk and get back to posting? You betcha! So cathartic.

It's me. No, really. It's me. Zed.

2010-10-23T23:16:00.026-04:00

My mother, Mama Zed, the Floridian about whom I wrote many a post because she drove me insane on her twice-yearly visits up north, the woman who was always cold even at 72 balmy degrees F., the woman whose first words on landing in the Tri-State were "You need a haircut!" died on September 20, 2010. I keep going to the phone to call her, even though logically I know she is gone.

The hospice doctor called me the morning of the 20th to say "I think today is the day." I rushed to hospice, and after about 30 minutes, I prayed with eyes closed, "Lord, please take her now. Please!" and when I looked up she took a breath in but nothing back came out. She was gone. Just like that. It was the best thing that could have happened to her. She is no longer in pain or suffering in her broken earthly body. I see her dancing with the angels in heaven.

Yes, I've been gone a long time. Never forgot any of you and visited all of your posts today just to make sure you all were still here. Some seem gone. I hope not. I also see a marriage occurred over at Some Guy's Blog (congrats to both of you!), and the wonderful Jen of Casual Slack has not lost her kind nature and posted as late as December 2009, wondering where I was. What a trooper! Thanks, Jen. I'm right here finally.

I can never thank you all enough for caring. I've been through a lot in the last 3 years (as I'm sure all of you have), and over time I will reveal some of what has happened. For right now, I will leave you with some Mama Zed posts. You found them hilarious then and I hope you still do.

http://theworldaccordingtozed.blogspot.com/2007/08/gone-but-not-forgotten.html
http://theworldaccordingtozed.blogspot.com/2007/08/towels-more-towels.html
http://theworldaccordingtozed.blogspot.com/2007/08/first-jab.html
http://theworldaccordingtozed.blogspot.com/2007/01/shes-old-but-she-loves-football.html
http://theworldaccordingtozed.blogspot.com/2006/08/all-warm-things-are-not-equal.html
http://theworldaccordingtozed.blogspot.com/2007/08/my-nerves.html?showComment=1193426220000

Dance, Mama Zed, dance.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

2007-12-25T11:47:00.001-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!

Errors, Errors, and More Errors!

2007-12-12T10:29:00.000-05:00

I was working on an about-to-be published history book a few months ago, and as I was going through I noticed that many of the dates were either:

1. incorrect

OR

2. inconsistent (a certain war was said to have started in, say, 1756 in one place, 1757 in another, and 1759 near the end of the book). Which is it people? Pick ONE.

There was a time when publishing was far more about quality and accuracy than about profit and schedules. Now it's "You've got 1-2 weeks to edit this 1,000-page book. IT CANNOT SLIP OUT OF SCHEDULE!!!" Editors used to spend 6-8-10 weeks making sentences perfect and facts accurate. I remember literally studying each and every sentence in a manuscript for phrasing and accuracy. But that was so long ago. Now everything is "Hurry up! We need it NOW!" Bye-bye correct phrasing and overall accuracy.

It's so sad that an industry that was for so many years consumed by the issue of quality is now run by financial guys interested only in the bottom line. Change is not always a good thing.

Yep, definitely sad.

Another Target Trip--Does It Get Any Better?

2007-12-05T16:31:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling mighty cranky today ... so it must be time for a visit to Target's!!!

Here's what I'm getting:

A new cordless phone

Body butter (this one's the best, by Boots U.K.)

I'm going to make Fluffy Tapioca Pudding for guests. You haven't lived until you've tried Fluffy Tapioca Pudding. Oh no you haven't.

Reddi Wip, to top off caramel frappuccinos for the same
most-fortunate guests (okay, one for me alone as well when no guests are here). Because.

That's it. Can I pick up up something at Target's?

Ugh. A Meme Stolen from Dick Small

2007-12-04T01:13:00.000-05:00

THE CHRISTMAS MEME

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Gift cards IN gift bags.
2. Real or artificial tree? I have a real FICUS that I wrap with lights.

3. When do you put up the tree? You mean when do I put the LIGHTS on the FICUS??? I'm aiming for Friday.
4. When do you take the tree down? I'll take the lights off the tree during the first week of January--or in June. Whenever I get around to it.
5. Do you like eggnog? Love it.
6. Favorite gift you received as a child? A ballerina doll.
7. Do you have a nativity scene? No. It's astonishing I even have a tree.
8. Hardest person to buy for? My mother. She's incredibly fussy for her age.
9. Easiest person to buy for? The super. He wants cold hard cash.
10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? An envelope from my millionaire aunt--it had $5.00 in it.
11. Christmas cards... I don't send cards. Bah, humbug. :)
12. Favorite Christmas movie? It's a Wonderful Life.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? First week of December.
14. Have you ever "recycled" a Christmas present? Yes. At least twice. (Hanging head in shame.) Does it help to say I was desperate and the recipient was pleased? No? Oh.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Anything with fat, sugar, and lots of calories.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Why, color. Of course. Clear and white lights are boring. TO ALL THE CLEAR AND WHITE LIGHT LOVERS: But what do I know?
17. Favorite Christmas songs? Silent Night; Oh Come All Ye Faithful; We Three Kings, etc.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel.
19. Can you name Santa's reindeer? Rudolph. Feel free to name the rest yourself people.
20. Do you have an angel or a star on top of your tree? Neither. Why? You want to make something of it?
21. Open the presents Christmas eve or morning? Sometime during Christmas Day since I travel.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The extreme commercialism of the holiday.
23. Shopping mall or on-line? Both. This meme is incredibly LONG!!
24. Do you decorate outside for Christmas or just inside (or at all?). Both. Is the meme almost over? I'm exhausted.
25. Favorite Christmas cookie? Sugar cookies. With colored sprinkles and in shapes.
26. Do you own Christmassy clothing or jewelry? Good grief, no.

27. Do you believe in Santa? I can't say. I don't want to spoil it for others. I'll bet you all still believe in him.

I Wonder If She Killed Him ...

2007-12-03T01:31:00.000-05:00

Fifteen years ago when I moved to this building, I brought with me my cat Muffin. She was tough and totally disobedient. She'd get in bed with me for 30 minutes or so and then prowl the apartment all night long, as if we lived in the jungle.

We were here only three days when, at 4 or 5 A.M., Muffin jumped up on the night table next to my bed and knocked over a tall, heavy lamp onto the uncarpeted wooden floors. The lamp fell so hard that it put a dent in the flooring.

I could hear the man downstairs shout out in alarm as he was awakened from his sleep.

The next morning the man went to church at 10 A.M., and had a massive heart attack and died in his pew by 10:30. To this day, I think Muffin's "accident" killed him.

Muffin died in 2002 of a massive heart attack as well. How very ironic, huh? The killer cat ...

Can't Get Enough ...

2007-11-28T17:56:00.001-05:00

Yeah, I've been gone again, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah. I did miss you guys though--a lot. Work always gets in the way ... Would anyone like to support me so I can blog full time? Anyone? Anyone?

Here's something to keep you busy in the meantime. Cracked me up.

CLICK HERE

I'll officially be back by Friday.

She's Just Plain Scary

2007-10-23T23:34:00.000-04:00

Squash Talk

2007-10-23T10:50:00.000-04:00

I have to begin work in about 10 minutes if I'm ever going to finish this editing job, but I have The Today Show running on cable in the background and I'm wondering what genius thought 4 hours of this morning show was something the American people craved every single morning. FOUR HOURS! Two hours is more than enough! The network is acting out of desperation. Isn't NBC last in the ratings war? Well, this strategy isn't going to get them out of the ratings pit.

Just now two of The Today Show hosts spent 10 minutes raving over winter squash. Why? Why? And a guest demonstrated a recipe for Winter Squash Galette, which they all drooled over as if it were filet mignon or Beef Wellington. Again, may I ask why? Their very drooling was an act of desperation.

A dinner-party host once tried to convince me that spaghetti squash tasted "just like pasta." I was so ready to love it. But how could I? It tasted like squash. Who was that guy trying to kid?!

So here's the point: Because of The Today Show's desperation for interest talking points, this morning I was subjected to squash talk and reminded that spaghetti squash is disgusting and does not taste like pasta. My day is ruined.

Change the channel? What, I should get UP? (I've misplace my remote. Again.)

I'm Studying the Map

2007-10-18T01:17:00.000-04:00

I've been studying my Clustrmap, and I noticed I have 2-18 people from Iceland visiting this site in the last few weeks or so. And I must admit I cannot understand how anyone from Iceland can even find The World According to Zed--do the people of Iceland even have electricity to run their desktop computers?

Okay, yes, they probably have electricity. But did you ever wonder how electricity gets there? Iceland is in the middle of nowhere. It's surrounded by ocean and about 1/8 of an inch above it on the map is the Arctic Circle--and ice and snow and more ice and more snow.

Could Icelandians have gotten England to run cables or wires under the ocean ALL THE WAY TO ICELAND to get electricity there--and cable TV? Wouldn't the polar bears have eaten the cables/wires? They can't ALL--all 25 Icelandians--be wireless! And if the boat that brings food breaks down, they could all (25 or so Iclandians) starve--but that's a whole other issue. Do you see, Iceland? I worry about you! We're compadres! :) Don't ever leave!

On my previous Clustrmap, which was archived in August, China was a pretty regular visitor. And now with the new map, they have disappeared. Do I need to I remind the Chinese government that I have had many Chinese objects d'art in my apartment over the years, as well as dishes, mugs, and a silk robe from that country? And I occasionally shop at the dollar store. And you know how many items from China are at the dollar store. So, where are you, China?

And Russia, don't even get me started on Russia, mostly because they poison people they don't like--and I want them to keep liking me. I LOVE RUSSIA!! I really really really do!

The best dot on the map is the one on a little tiny island to the east of Madagascar called Mauritius, another place no one lives. So if no one lives there, who's checking out my blog? The wild birds? Ship-wrecked pirates? Treasure hunters? (Hey, if you find treasure while reading my blog, international law says you must give me half. Just sayin'.)

So many countries, so little time. But if everyone in the world would just visit The World According to Zed on a regular basis, the world would be a better place ... The harmony, the love, the peace--and the homemade manicotti. Don't ever forget the manicotti. Or my killer mashed potatoes.

Thank you.
Zed

What a Great Guest!

2007-10-17T00:17:00.001-04:00

My friend D. asked me to join her for lunch today, and on the way to her house I almost fell asleep in my car on one of Jersey's most dangerous highways.

We went out to lunch at Panera Bread (yummy!), I managed semi-intelligent conversation, and when we got back to her house, I said hi to her husband and son, sat down, and fought off sleep as I tried to be a polite guest.

I know my mouth was moving, but God knows what was coming out of it. I think a lot of it was the ever-convincing "Uh-hum..." "Huh!" and "Hmmm!" I'm fairly certain they believed I was deep in conversation with them, but who can ever know for sure?

D. said, "You need a nap." Yep, I sure did. So she said, "Go, then. Nap." I went to sleep in their guest room and slept from 3:45 until 6:00 p.m., when they knocked to make sure I hadn't died. Or moved in.

We had dinner and I left by 7:15. What a great guest! Can I come take a nap at YOUR house?

You Think You've Got Problems

2007-10-15T21:41:00.001-04:00

It's not that I'm competitive or anything ... well, okay, yes I am. But when Dale of Passion of the Dale wrote a comment on my Call Me!! I'm Busy!! post immediately below:

My mother never listens to anything I say but says mm hmm and then goes back to the list of people I don't know who have died lately and then says 'okay, bye' and hangs up...

I thought, he doesn't know. He just DOESN'T KNOW. Oh sure, he's knows a little, but wait. Just wait.

Mama Zed also speaks about strangers (to me) who have died, people whom I have never known, and who obviously I never WILL KNOW. Her conversations about the living can sometimes be even worse:

The Saga of Willy, John, and What's 'er Name

Mama Zed: I was talking with my friend Kathy this afternoon and she told me that her grandson Willy got in trouble in school.

Me: Uh-huh.

Mama Zed: You know Willy, right? That's John's son.

Me: I don't know John and I don't know Willy.

Mama Zed: You don't? How can that be?

Me: No, ma. Why would I know them? I live HERE and you live THERE. YOU know them.

Mama Zed: John and Willy? They're Kathy's son and grandson. They live in Atlanta, Georgia.

Me: Uh-huh. So what about them? (Why do I ask this? Why?)

Mama Zed: Willy got in trouble in school.

Me: HOW? (My nerves!)

Mama Zed: His pants were hanging too low. They were too big. I guess that's what the boys are wearing. And he was thrown out of school and sent home.

Me: Yep, that happens.

Mama Zed: And his mother was furious! You know her, right? That's Kathy's son's John's wife. You met her last year, didn't you? She's tall, attractive, a little overweight. What's her name again? Joanne? Janet? Judy?

Me: Mom, I never met her.

Mama Zed: Sure you did. She comes from Atlanta. Or is it Savannah, and she drives this really cute car. It's a Sabarku?

Me: A Sabarku? You mean a Subaru?

Mama Zed: A Sabarku, a rich dark blue. You owned one of those, didn't you?

Me: A Sabarku? Yes, a long time ago. That's nice ...

Mama Zed: And she works in a law office as a legal aide. She's got a good job and get's 4 weeks' vacation. But she has to work so many hours. She's always working and working! Just like you! I told Kathy that she works far too much. She never has time for her family. Her sister's a nun. What was her sister's name again? Maria? Martina? I forget.

Me: Uh-huh. Why are we talking about John's wife?

Mama Zed: I thought you knew her.

Me: No. So, Willy was sent home and he changed his clothes and they let him back in?

Mama Zed: Yes. He's back in school now.

Me: Well THAT'S good!! (Totally manufactured non-heart-felt enthusiasm).

Mama Zed: They're a nice family. You'd like them. What was the wife's name again?

And you wonder why I don't always have time to blog.

Call Me!! I'm Busy!!

2007-10-14T21:45:00.000-04:00

Oh, alright. If I have to blog, I will. I've been working 16- to 18-hour days, and two days last week I fell asleep in front of my computer. How pathetic is that!?! But the good news is the work is slowing down a bit and I don't have to bore you with tidbits about biology, machining tools, or statistics. Lucky you!

Mama Zed complains nonstop when I'm busy with work and I don't call her enough in Florida. So I made a promise to myself to call her every single day this week. However, each day I called, she couldn't talk because she was "busy," but would call me back in 5 minutes when she was "free."

Her excuses??

Day 1: I can't talk. I'm eating ice cream. Let me call you back.
Day 2: I can't talk. I'm hanging out the wash. Let me call you back.
Day 3: I can't talk. I'm watching Dancing with the Stars. Let me call you back.
Day 4: I can't talk. Marie stopped by for coffee and some cookies. Let me call you back.
Day 5: I can't talk. I'm on my way to Winner's World (a casino). Let me call you back.
Day 6: I can't talk. I just sat down to dinner. Let me call you back.
Day 7: I can't talk. I'm on my way to the cemetery to visit your father and sister. Let me call you back.

Okay, first I like to say, what's the problem with being on the phone while you eat ice cream? Huh? Second, everyone knows Dancing with the Stars is garbage this year. And as for Day 7, I would guess that Dad and Carole can wait for us to have a 2-minute phone call--don't you? They are no longer living.

One-Day Freedom

2007-10-05T01:08:00.001-04:00

Tons of work and constant attention to the Britney Spears
downward spiral/custody loss/heading-to-the-cuckoo-bin fiasco
has led to a state of combined boredom and stress.
I'm boring myself to death in a stressful way! :)
Enough already! May TMZ, Perez Hilton, and X17 fall on extremely bad times ...

So tomorrow, my first day off in 3 weeks (including weekends),
I'm going to go to
(1) Target, (2) lunch with a friend, (3) the bank and post office.
Do I live an exciting life or what?!!

Any suggestions to make it a memorable day?

Make it good, because I'm heading back to work on Saturday. Please help!

Thanks! <--An exclamation point! <--ooh, another! <--ad infinitum!

Addictions

2007-10-03T10:33:00.000-04:00

My top-ten current addictions include the following:

1. Coca-Cola (regular)

2. The Britney Spears fiasco (loss of children/downward spiral)

3. The Ellen DeGeneres Show

4. Sleeping late/staying up late

5. Home-made pasta

6. D-Listed.com

7. Sudoku (I can't stop! Even the advanced ones! Betty-Ford-Clinic addicted!)

8. Snuggling with Frankie & Johnny (my tuxedo cats)

9. Driving in my Toyota Scion with music blasting

10. My computer (I can't step away. Why can't I step away?!!)

If you've got addictions, what are they? I bet they're better more fascinating than mine. :)

Cancel the Memorial Service

2007-09-30T23:32:00.001-04:00

You can call off the Memorial service and send the professional mourners home. I didn't die.

The Zicam kicked in, working in conjunction with Listerine (my breath was more than superb, thank you!!), and one 1/3 dose of Nyquil.

Another night I had cognac latte (I learned about that one during one of my living-in-Europe episodes) and put on three blankets to try to sweat out the cold.

Twenty years ago I walked into a hospital in Rome with the worst bronchitis ever and said, "I need help, I'm dying." Yes, that was dumb to say; but it got their attention. A young doctor took me on the side, listened with his stethoscope to my wheezing, whiny breathing and turned to make some notes on paper. He opened a cabinet, took several bottles of medication out and handed them to me, saying, "Here take these." He also told me, "If you want to get well quicker, go to the liquor store and buy some cognac and put a good amount into hot milk. Drink this several times a day, and you will be well by the end of the week."

It worked without my ever having to take the meds. Who knew?

And under socialized medicine, I didn't have to pay a dime for the meds, doctor's time, or the advice.

Glad to be back! Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Seeking a Remedy ...

2007-09-25T10:07:00.000-04:00

I've been super-stressed. And so, of course, I now have a heavy-duty cold. Ker-choooooooo!

Sorry. I'll be back soon. I hope you are all well!

Anyone have any good cold remedies? List 'em please! Thank you!

Men in Planes

2007-09-21T09:59:00.002-04:00

Another episode of "Men and Their Toys" ...

Click HERE.

Collation

2007-09-20T00:38:00.001-04:00

My apologies for not posting for two days, but I've been busy working on books about machinery and machinery systems (captivatingly zzzzz) , acting (I think I'll become an actress; I could win an Academy Award! I've still got my speech ready...), teaching and classroom diversity (another zzzzz), and other fascinating topics.

I even have a book coming up about collation. How much is there to say about collation? Do they mean, like, the collating of papers that come out of a desktop printer? Probably not. I'm worried it's about this:

But one must pay the monthly maintenance, so I take whatever work I'm given. I can stop TOMORROW if you people would just get together and pay my maintenance for me. Sheesh, what's the problem?!

Oh Really ... ?!!!!!!

2007-09-16T22:33:00.000-04:00

See these? !!!!!!! I'm quite addicted to using them. I mean, it's not as if I'm addicted to some DRUG or ALCOHOL or something. Using exclamation points is a harmless exercise in studied enthusiasm and an expression of urgency. Or so I thought.

Last week I asked a neighbor if I could use her fax machine since mine was broken. BIG MISTAKE. The first attempt failed. So she took my cover sheet and an invoice I was sending to a textbook editor and she shuffled the pages. In shuffling them, she noticed several !! on my handwritten cover sheet: "Hi Sue, did you ever get a chance to send me the manuscript for that computer book you asked me to edit for you? I really need it soon in order to complete this job on time! Could you please send it asap? Thanks so much!! Zed"

Neighbor: I wouldn't leave those exclamation points in there.
Me: Why?
Neighbor: Because that's rude. It's as if you're yelling at her. Why would you want to yell at her?
Me: I'm not yelling at her. I know this woman for 15 years--we're friends. We write to each other like this all the time ...
Neighbor: Well, when I receive a note like this at work, with all those marks on it, I rip it up. I don't even read it. I'm not going to put up with that--I don't want to be spoken to in that manner.
Me: What manner?
Neighbor: Rudely. It's as if you're yelling at her. I'd just rip it up!

See that last exclamation point attached to the neighbor's final comment? I added that just to be obnoxious.

Here are some more, lady:

!!!!!

Post Cards from the Tri-State

2007-09-15T15:25:00.001-04:00

Sushiboy asked me to bring back a postcard from the post office. I brought back three 'cause I'm just like that. Accommodating.

Here you go, one from each state in the NY Tristate:

Mystic, Connecticut

Ellis Island, looking toward Manhattan, circa 1999. It looks older than that to me! In fact this photo looks about 30 years old, doesn't it? With hand-painted color?

The Pulaski Skyway, New Jersey (near Newark)

I'm including this postcard instead of a beautiful one for the fine state of New Jersey because the powers that be just figured out that this humongous bridge was built using the same exact method employed to construct the bridge that collapsed in Minnesota. They now plan to rebuild the Pulaski Skyway over the course of 20 years. Sounds like fun for all.

There you go, Sushiboy. I aim to please!

Post Office Run

2007-09-15T11:19:00.000-04:00

I'm running to the post office. Do you need anything while I'm there?

My Preachin' Post--Amen!

2007-09-15T10:31:00.000-04:00

This morning this big black ominous cloud hung over the Hudson River and I thought, "This could be it--the end of me." I started planning my demise--it was THAT ominous. :)

So I made breakfast (leftover pizza, I'm that pathetic), and by the time I was done eating, the big black ominous cloud was gone and the sun was shining.

Made me think of how we often view life. Sometimes it hits us with big black ominous clouds and we don't think we'll ever get out from under them. And we grumble, and complain, and feel oppressed and sorry for ourselves. But somehow, miraculously, when we look out the window again, the cloud has lifted, the sun's shining, and life is good again. Amen to that!

Done preachin'. Strike up the choir!

Name the Sport

2007-09-14T11:23:00.000-04:00

I'm working on a sports book. I'm snoring. It's not about the greatest or most famous of sports, such as baseball, football, or basketball. No, it's about ANOTHER sport. Can you guess what it is?

The winner gets ... NOTHING. Because I'd have to get dressed, put on makeup, go down many floors to the parking garage, BUY the prize, drive to the post office and PAY to send whatever the prize is to you. Is your dumb one-word answer really worth all that aggravation? I say no.

What sport is the book about? Betcha can't guess.

Phrases to Kill By (Again)

2007-09-13T11:00:00.000-04:00

Today's Phrases to Kill By include some of the hippest phrases in use today. I hate 'em.

Peace out. What does this even mean? If you want to bring about peace in your life, shouldn't the phrase be Peace IN? (Think about it. This is very deep.) Or do you mean Piece Out, as in "Please take that gun out of the building"? (I live in the NYC Tri-State, we know about these things.)

Step up to the plate What plate? Do you SEE a plate? I don't see a plate! And if there's a plate involved, does it have food on it? Because, I have no food left as well as almost no underwear (see post below), and to be honest, I'm HUNGRY.

Bling bling Shouldn't the correct phrase be "Ring Ring", "Necklace Necklace" or "Rolex Rolex"?

Keep it real, yo/keeping it real To be perfectly HONEST, I'd like to tell the person who invented this phrase: How about you just buzz off? Keep it real some place else. Honest enough for you?

Can you do me a favor? Actually, no. I can't. I'm busy washing underwear today (see post below). Hey, can you do ME a favor? Do my laundry for me, and then buzz off (see phrase Keep It Real, Yo/Keeping It Real)

Holla Don't yell at me!! Oh, it doesn't mean that? Okay. Hello?

When push comes to shove Don't shove my push or I'm calling the cops! We're not into violence around here.

Think outside the box What box? I only own shopping bags.

TMI (Too Much Information)

2007-09-13T10:08:00.000-04:00

I'm 3 pairs short of being out of clean underwear , so I won't be around very much today due to laundry and other neglected responsibilities. (Was the almost-running-out-of-underwear thing just a little too much information for you?)

Oh, one other thing. My right hand is extremely, extremely itchy, and has been all morning. Does this mean I'm coming into millions $$$$ today? I'll share! I promise, I'll share!

What Am I, the Bank?

2007-09-12T14:49:00.001-04:00

About 10 years ago, I worked with a woman who asked if she could borrow $100 until the next paycheck, two weeks away. I knew her for many years, and she swore she would repay the money, so I lent it to her, but emphasized that I wanted the money back when the next payday came around.

Next payday? She said she was paying me $25, but would give me the remaining $75 the following week.

The next week, she gave me $25 instead of $75, AND she did so resentfully and with attitude.

Each day I'd watch her return from lunch at a restaurant with co-workers ($$$) or with bags of clothing purchases from the local mall ($$$). Or she'd come to work in the morning to tell stories about her fun times out with friends after work at the local club or bar ($$$), at the movies ($$$) or at a concert/event ($$$). Paying me back was obvious not a top priority for her.

She still owed me $50. When the next payday came by a week later, I asked her if she had my money for me. She said no. So I sat down with her in her office and said, "Then pay me $5 a day. You can do that, right?? $5 a day for 10 days, and we're done." She looked at me quizzically and asked, "Why, do you need the money?"

Need I say more? People ...

Fish for the Timid

2007-09-10T14:09:00.001-04:00

I am soooo not a fish eater. In childhood, the only fish we ate as a family was tuna fish bought in cans because my father wouldn't allow any other fish in the house. Well, that's not 100% true: Once my mother served some fish that lay on the plate, fully cooked, with one eye pointing up, and that was the point at which my father wouldn't allow any fish other than canned tuna in the house. The fish in that plate did NOT look happy.

So years passed and I remained in a predominately fish-less condition. I tried salmon once or twice but couldn't get past the idea that it had fins and stuff, and that, well you know, if you turned it on its side, one eye might stare up at me.

This past week a friend called to invite me to a small dinner party at her home. It sounded great until she told me what she was cooking. She was making tilapia. FISH. I'd heard of it, but I asked what else she was making to see if I could find something I could eat for dinner. She was making side dishes of asparagus (yeck!), a Vidalia onion tart (yeck!), and wild rice. Obviously she wasn't cooking for ME. :) (I' m a pill. Don't ever invite me for dinner.)

Well, I went and tried the tilapia. Who knew it was so delicious? I certainly didn't! It didn't even taste like fish. It was so good, I went back for seconds! My friend also served tiny, thin asparagus sauteed in oil and garlic that was delicious, as was the Vidalia onion tart (again, who knew???). Hey I'm finally growing up and I'm branching out. It's taken far too many years!

Now that I've eaten FISH, who knows where I'll go from here. Any suggestions for fish eating? Anyone?

My ONE Flaw

2007-09-06T23:06:00.000-04:00

Today my blog counter passed 30,000 (PLUS approximately 5000 from my earlier blog), so I've had 35,000 visitors, and I'm just shallow enough to be proud of that.

Okay, so I have ONE flaw. Happy?

I Should Have Become a Plumber

2007-09-05T20:35:00.000-04:00

On Friday, I found water pouring out the bottom of my guest toilet. Building maintenance said it was the flange that was broken, and they don't handle that, so I called a plumber and asked when he could come by:

Frank the Plumber: Next Wednesday. I can make it next Wednesday.

Me: Next Wednesday? Today's Friday. That's 5 days I have to wait?

Frank the Plumber: Well, it's a holiday weekend, I'm wrapping up here for the day, and I'm going to be really busy next Tuesday. So the earliest I can make it is next Wednesday.

Me: Fine. I'll see you Wednesday then. You'll be here when?

Frank the Plumber: 9:00 a.m.

It's a good thing I have two bathrooms. Of course, the second one belongs to my cats Frankie & Johnny, but then let me share it for a few days and by this morning wanted me out of there. I got up early today and I thought, "I bet the plumber doesn't remember he has an appointment with me. Watch. I'd better call him." I call Frank the Plumber.

Me: Hi, this is Zed at the Fortress. You're coming at 9:00, right?

Frank the Plumber: Do we have an appointment? Your name is Zed? We spoke? When? I don't have anything written down.

He didn't remember. Of course not.

Me: When can you be here?

Frank the Plumber: 9:00 a.m. sharp.

So he came at 10:10 and was here until 10:45. He fixed the flange and adjusted the water flow.

Frank the Plumber's charge: $325. That's $325 for 35 minutes work.

Of course handling other people's toilets is a rather messy and smelly occupation, but let's face it, Frank earns more than my doctor. Why did my parents insist I go into publishing?

A toilet.

A flange. (This is a clean one. Be happy I didn't show you a dirty one.)

Gerbils ... for Teri

2007-09-04T23:48:00.000-04:00

Apparently Teri of Family Tree Junkie is hooked on gerbils (I found this out via Dick Small, who knows everything). And when I say "hooked" I mean totally and completely in love with them.

Gerbils are cute little creatures, as most would agree, but they are no match for Brad Pitt and George Clooney or even my ex-boyfriend Brian (Teri's friend) or my ex-fiance Peter Pan Small. They are related to rats, for heaven's sake--hence the name "desert rats." They're rodents! Cute rodents, but rodents nonetheless.

Think it over, Teri! Don't give up on humans just yet!!

I'm in Blogging Rebellion

2007-09-04T12:06:00.000-04:00

I've been in blogging rebellion for 3 days now. I can't do it, and you can't make me. Maybe later today. It's just I have so many important things to do today:

1. Clean out the junk corner of my bedroom.
2. Check out why that red helicopter is doing circles over the Hudson River.
3. Do another Suduko puzzle.
4. Win Turtle Mania again at IBProArcade.
5. Criticize Britney on a celebrity blog.
6. Make butter cookies.
7. Watch Ellen.
8. Watch What Not to Wear.
9. Take a nap due to the shear exhaustion of the day.

Hey, I'm busy ...

UPDATE: I have thus far accomplished 3, 5, 7 and 8. I'm about to perform 9. Number 2 disappeared. I'm fighting with myself about making the cookies (6).

UPDATE #2: Dealt with: 2, 3, 5, 7, 8, 9 (twice). I haven't yet played Turtle Mania today (I'm already champion over there, ho-hum), and the junk is still in corner. Sans understands, right Sans?

ZedFly, by Sans

2007-08-31T22:11:00.000-04:00

Look what Sans made for me!

The file is called ZedFly.jpg, and it's absolutely beautiful.

It reminds me of THIS (click),
but it's sooooo much better.

Thank you, Andy!

Gone, but Not Forgotten

2007-08-30T23:06:00.000-04:00

My mother has returned to her beloved state of Florida. While she was here, she kept saying things like "Florida has much better roads than the Tri-State," OR "You have gas station attendants pump your gas? We don't have anyone pump our gas in Florida. What's wrong with this state?" OR "We get free refills of coffee and soda in our restaurants. You people have to pay for refills. Florida's better in so many ways" OR "It's FREEZING here. I miss the warm weather of Florida."

So she's happily back in warm and steamy Florida, where she rides on smoother roads, pumps her own gas (at the age of 88 and weighing only 105 lbs.), and gets as many coffee refills as she wants without paying. We surely lack many amenities here in the Tri-State.

Anyway, I keep thinking Mama Zed's in the same room as me, and I frequently turn around to say something to her, but no one's there. Or I think I hear her rustling around the kitchen. But no, she's really back home in Florida catching up with her friends (one died in her absence), and settling back in. It's as if my place is haunted, but that can't be because she's still alive. I miss her. Weird, huh? :)

Thank you all for hanging in there with me during her visit. It made it so much easier to deal with if I c0uld vent here on a daily basis. You guys are great--I owe you big-time!

My Nerves!

2007-08-27T22:19:00.001-04:00

I was wrong. The plane leaves at 1 P.M. not 12 P.M.

AND SHE WANTS TO BE AT THE AIRPORT 3 HOURS EARLY BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WANT TO MISS HER FLIGHT.

We're leaving my apartment at 9:45 for a 1:00 p.m. flight. I live 20 minutes from the airport.

She's making me nuts right down to the very last second.

Departure Time

2007-08-27T12:01:00.001-04:00

Departure time: Tuesday, August 27, 2007, 12:00 noon.

Zed's disposition:

For clarity's sake, Zed stays here.

Who's in Control Here?

2007-08-24T22:40:00.001-04:00

My money is now officially in the hands of this place:

Caesar's Casino, Atlantic City, New Jersey

Well, at least $280 of it. But there is some good news: Last year (CLICK HERE) I was furious that it took me 32 minutes and $10.75 to withdraw my own money from my checking account by using my debit/credit card at the Caesar's Casino. This year it took 2 minutes and $4.00 to withdraw cash.

I bet I had those people at Caesar's just SWEATING until they straightened out the problem. They probably had to have a series of high-level corporate meetings (with perhaps members of the Board of Directors and shareholders) to figure out what was the best way to make Zed happy. In the year since I've been to AC, I'll bet they tried a number of methods to dispense cash quickly, and finally settled on this new method today, knowing I would be in town again.

And to cap it off, when I asked a casino waitress for a Diet Coke today, I waited for over an hour and she never actually returned with the drink EVER. Maybe Caesar's execs did that just to show me that they are still in control. Yeah, like THEY'RE IN CONTROL ... bwahahahaha!

I think I'm losing it. How about you? :)

Endless Repetition

2007-08-23T20:22:00.001-04:00

Last Sunday ...

Mom: When are we going to Atlantic City?
Me: On Friday, Mom.

Sunday night ...

Mom: When are we going to Atlantic City?
Me: On Friday, Mom.

Repeat twice daily Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. This morning we bought tickets to AC. This afternoon ...

Mom: When are we going to Atlantic City? Oh, that's right tomorrow.

An hour ago ...

Mom: So we're going to Atlantic City tomorrow, right?
Me: Yes, tomorrow morning.

All kidding aside, this is really difficult.

She Was Beautiful

2007-08-21T19:55:00.001-04:00

This is what she looked like in her heyday.

My cousin, my father, me, my mother, my sister.

For me, think screaming red hair.

Click on the picture to enlarge.

All Warm Things Are Not Equal--Recap

2007-08-19T21:46:00.000-04:00

When it's 84 degrees in Florida, it's a "warm" 84 degrees, not like the cold 84 degrees we have here in the northeast.
___________________________

Mom: It's freezing in here [in my apartment].
Me: Mom, it's 84 degrees--look at the outdoor thermometer.
Mom: But my nose. Feel my nose; it's ice cold.
Me, after feeling her nose: It's fine. It's not cold at all.
Mom: Well, to me it's cold. It's ice cold in here.
Me: No it's not. Look at me--I'm sweating! I'm dying of the heat! That's how warm it is--and you won't let me put on the central air.
Mom: How can you put on the air when it's so cold?
Me: Didn't you leave winter clothes in the drawer in the office a while back? Let's find them and you can put them on.
Mom: I'm not going to wear winter clothes in summer.
______________________________

I go get the space heater.

Me, re-entering room: Okay, let me plug this in.
Mom: What is it?
Me: A space heater.
Mom: You can't use that! It's summer!! That's ridiculous. Take it out of here!
Me: But YOU'RE cold. It doesn't matter what season it is.
Mom: I don't want it. Unplug it. I don't want it. And I'm not going to use it.
[Next morning, she's sneezing at breakfast.]
Mom: I think I'm getting a cold from it being so icy in here.
_______________________________

My 87-year-old mother flies home on Wednesday morning after a three-week visit. She will be returning to Florida, where the temperature is 84 degrees, but a warm 84 degrees.

I cracked up when I read this in the August 2006 archives, because today she wore a sweatshirt and sweater with long sweatpants and wool socks and complained how she never expected it to be so bitter cold in the Tri-State in August. We had a high of 72 today. A wintery 72.

She's on the Prowl for a Boyfriend

2007-08-18T19:05:00.001-04:00

So far I still have longish hair. But yesterday I took a scissor to it at my mother's urging and it's now 1 to 1 1/2 inches shorter than the day my mother arrived.

I hope she's happy, though I'm thinking, no ... no, she's not.
_______________________

We went clothes shopping and she choose size 5 items to try on. In the Junior Department. You know, where teenagers shop.

Me: Maybe you should try on the next size? Like a 6 in the Women's Department?

Mom: Why? I have a good figure and I want to show it off. I don't want to wear old-lady clothing!

Maybe she's trying to land a boyfriend! Please advise if you know of anyone.

Pot Roast Coming Up!

2007-08-17T18:37:00.000-04:00

Mom, on the way home from the airport, Tuesday: Have you tried Stouffer's Yankee Pot Roast? It's so good.
Me: Nope, haven't tried it yet.

Mom, Wednesday AM: My friend Mary told me to try Yankee Pot Roast. I think it's made by Stouffer's. You have to try it!
Me: I will. Sounds good.

Mom, Thursday evening: You know what's good? Yankee Pot Roast! Who makes that again?
Me: ... Stouffer's???
Mom: Look how you know! Have you tried it?
Me: No, not yet.

Tonight over dinner: My friend Kathy told me about Yankee Pot Roast by Stouffer's. Have you had it? It's so good.
Me: Not yet. Some day. You want me to buy it for you?
Mom: No! Why would I want you to buy it for me? I don't want it. I just asked if you've tried it.

I'm thinking we're having Yankee Pot Roast some time in the near future.

Where Did I Hear This Before?

2007-08-16T10:15:00.000-04:00

Mom: "What are we doing today?"

I gave her several interesting suggestions. All good ones--honest.

Mom: "Why don't we go get your hair cut instead?"

It's a theme! (See HERE.)

Towels!! More Towels!

2007-08-15T15:19:00.000-04:00

Mom: "I need more towels."

Me: "Mom, I already gave you four towels, and you just got here yesterday evening."

Mom: "No you didn't."

Me: "Sure I did. Let me show you."

We go into the guest bath.

Me: "See? One blue towel, one purple towel, and two white towels. That should be enough for a day or so, no?"

Mom: "They don't match."

Grrr. :) She's really cute in a mother sort of way.

The First Jab

2007-08-14T20:27:00.000-04:00

So my 88 y/o mother got off the plane from Fort Lauderdale, gave me a hug hello, and said:

"You need a haircut."

I've got a long two weeks ahead of me. :)

The Home Depot Imrov Everywhere Stunt

2007-08-13T01:26:00.000-04:00

I love the group Improv Everywhere. They pull off the greatest, most harmless but amusing stunts anywhere.

The Slo-Mo Home Depot Stunt was performed by hundreds of volunteers given the following instructions:

1. Go to a specific Home Depot at a specific time and shop.
2. On cue, walk in slow motion throughout the store for 5 minutes.
3. On cue, walk normally for 5 minutes.
4. On cue, freeze in place.
5. On cue, walk normally and leave the store.

Simple right? And hilarious! Watch THIS.

I hope you haven't seen this, but even if you have, it's worth a second look.