The World According to Zed

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 16:47:00 +0000

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!

Errors, Errors, and More Errors!

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 15:29:00 +0000

I was working on an about-to-be published history book a few months ago, and as I was going through I noticed that many of the dates were either:

1. incorrect

OR

2. inconsistent (a certain war was said to have started in, say, 1756 in one place, 1757 in another, and 1759 near the end of the book). Which is it people? Pick ONE.

There was a time when publishing was far more about quality and accuracy than about profit and schedules. Now it's "You've got 1-2 weeks to edit this 1,000-page book. IT CANNOT SLIP OUT OF SCHEDULE!!!" Editors used to spend 6-8-10 weeks making sentences perfect and facts accurate. I remember literally studying each and every sentence in a manuscript for phrasing and accuracy. But that was so long ago. Now everything is "Hurry up! We need it NOW!" Bye-bye correct phrasing and overall accuracy.

It's so sad that an industry that was for so many years consumed by the issue of quality is now run by financial guys interested only in the bottom line. Change is not always a good thing.

Yep, definitely sad.

Another Target Trip--Does It Get Any Better?

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 21:31:00 +0000

I'm feeling mighty cranky today ... so it must be time for a visit to Target's!!!

Here's what I'm getting:

A new cordless phone

Body butter (this one's the best, by Boots U.K.)

I'm going to make Fluffy Tapioca Pudding for guests. You haven't lived until you've tried Fluffy Tapioca Pudding. Oh no you haven't.

Reddi Wip, to top off caramel frappuccinos for the same
most-fortunate guests (okay, one for me alone as well when no guests are here). Because.

That's it. Can I pick up up something at Target's?

Ugh. A Meme Stolen from Dick Small

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 06:13:00 +0000

THE CHRISTMAS MEME

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Gift cards IN gift bags.
2. Real or artificial tree? I have a real FICUS that I wrap with lights.

3. When do you put up the tree? You mean when do I put the LIGHTS on the FICUS??? I'm aiming for Friday.
4. When do you take the tree down? I'll take the lights off the tree during the first week of January--or in June. Whenever I get around to it.
5. Do you like eggnog? Love it.
6. Favorite gift you received as a child? A ballerina doll.
7. Do you have a nativity scene? No. It's astonishing I even have a tree.
8. Hardest person to buy for? My mother. She's incredibly fussy for her age.
9. Easiest person to buy for? The super. He wants cold hard cash.
10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? An envelope from my millionaire aunt--it had $5.00 in it.
11. Christmas cards... I don't send cards. Bah, humbug. :)
12. Favorite Christmas movie? It's a Wonderful Life.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? First week of December.
14. Have you ever "recycled" a Christmas present? Yes. At least twice. (Hanging head in shame.) Does it help to say I was desperate and the recipient was pleased? No? Oh.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Anything with fat, sugar, and lots of calories.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Why, color. Of course. Clear and white lights are boring. TO ALL THE CLEAR AND WHITE LIGHT LOVERS: But what do I know?
17. Favorite Christmas songs? Silent Night; Oh Come All Ye Faithful; We Three Kings, etc.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel.
19. Can you name Santa's reindeer? Rudolph. Feel free to name the rest yourself people.
20. Do you have an angel or a star on top of your tree? Neither. Why? You want to make something of it?
21. Open the presents Christmas eve or morning? Sometime during Christmas Day since I travel.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The extreme commercialism of the holiday.
23. Shopping mall or on-line? Both. This meme is incredibly LONG!!
24. Do you decorate outside for Christmas or just inside (or at all?). Both. Is the meme almost over? I'm exhausted.
25. Favorite Christmas cookie? Sugar cookies. With colored sprinkles and in shapes.
26. Do you own Christmassy clothing or jewelry? Good grief, no.

27. Do you believe in Santa? I can't say. I don't want to spoil it for others. I'll bet you all still believe in him.

I Wonder If She Killed Him ...

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 06:31:00 +0000

Fifteen years ago when I moved to this building, I brought with me my cat Muffin. She was tough and totally disobedient. She'd get in bed with me for 30 minutes or so and then prowl the apartment all night long, as if we lived in the jungle.

We were here only three days when, at 4 or 5 A.M., Muffin jumped up on the night table next to my bed and knocked over a tall, heavy lamp onto the uncarpeted wooden floors. The lamp fell so hard that it put a dent in the flooring.

I could hear the man downstairs shout out in alarm as he was awakened from his sleep.

The next morning the man went to church at 10 A.M., and had a massive heart attack and died in his pew by 10:30. To this day, I think Muffin's "accident" killed him.

Muffin died in 2002 of a massive heart attack as well. How very ironic, huh? The killer cat ...

Can't Get Enough ...

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 22:56:00 +0000

Yeah, I've been gone again, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah. I did miss you guys though--a lot. Work always gets in the way ... Would anyone like to support me so I can blog full time? Anyone? Anyone?

Here's something to keep you busy in the meantime. Cracked me up.

CLICK HERE

I'll officially be back by Friday.

She's Just Plain Scary

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 03:34:00 +0000

Squash Talk

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 14:50:00 +0000

I have to begin work in about 10 minutes if I'm ever going to finish this editing job, but I have The Today Show running on cable in the background and I'm wondering what genius thought 4 hours of this morning show was something the American people craved every single morning. FOUR HOURS! Two hours is more than enough! The network is acting out of desperation. Isn't NBC last in the ratings war? Well, this strategy isn't going to get them out of the ratings pit.

Just now two of The Today Show hosts spent 10 minutes raving over winter squash. Why? Why? And a guest demonstrated a recipe for Winter Squash Galette, which they all drooled over as if it were filet mignon or Beef Wellington. Again, may I ask why? Their very drooling was an act of desperation.

A dinner-party host once tried to convince me that spaghetti squash tasted "just like pasta." I was so ready to love it. But how could I? It tasted like squash. Who was that guy trying to kid?!

So here's the point: Because of The Today Show's desperation for interest talking points, this morning I was subjected to squash talk and reminded that spaghetti squash is disgusting and does not taste like pasta. My day is ruined.

Change the channel? What, I should get UP? (I've misplace my remote. Again.)

I'm Studying the Map

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 05:17:00 +0000

I've been studying my Clustrmap, and I noticed I have 2-18 people from Iceland visiting this site in the last few weeks or so. And I must admit I cannot understand how anyone from Iceland can even find The World According to Zed--do the people of Iceland even have electricity to run their desktop computers?

Okay, yes, they probably have electricity. But did you ever wonder how electricity gets there? Iceland is in the middle of nowhere. It's surrounded by ocean and about 1/8 of an inch above it on the map is the Arctic Circle--and ice and snow and more ice and more snow.

Could Icelandians have gotten England to run cables or wires under the ocean ALL THE WAY TO ICELAND to get electricity there--and cable TV? Wouldn't the polar bears have eaten the cables/wires? They can't ALL--all 25 Icelandians--be wireless! And if the boat that brings food breaks down, they could all (25 or so Iclandians) starve--but that's a whole other issue. Do you see, Iceland? I worry about you! We're compadres! :) Don't ever leave!

On my previous Clustrmap, which was archived in August, China was a pretty regular visitor. And now with the new map, they have disappeared. Do I need to I remind the Chinese government that I have had many Chinese objects d'art in my apartment over the years, as well as dishes, mugs, and a silk robe from that country? And I occasionally shop at the dollar store. And you know how many items from China are at the dollar store. So, where are you, China?

And Russia, don't even get me started on Russia, mostly because they poison people they don't like--and I want them to keep liking me. I LOVE RUSSIA!! I really really really do!

The best dot on the map is the one on a little tiny island to the east of Madagascar called Mauritius, another place no one lives. So if no one lives there, who's checking out my blog? The wild birds? Ship-wrecked pirates? Treasure hunters? (Hey, if you find treasure while reading my blog, international law says you must give me half. Just sayin'.)

So many countries, so little time. But if everyone in the world would just visit The World According to Zed on a regular basis, the world would be a better place ... The harmony, the love, the peace--and the homemade manicotti. Don't ever forget the manicotti. Or my killer mashed potatoes.

Thank you.
Zed

What a Great Guest!

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 04:17:00 +0000

My friend D. asked me to join her for lunch today, and on the way to her house I almost fell asleep in my car on one of Jersey's most dangerous highways.

We went out to lunch at Panera Bread (yummy!), I managed semi-intelligent conversation, and when we got back to her house, I said hi to her husband and son, sat down, and fought off sleep as I tried to be a polite guest.

I know my mouth was moving, but God knows what was coming out of it. I think a lot of it was the ever-convincing "Uh-hum..." "Huh!" and "Hmmm!" I'm fairly certain they believed I was deep in conversation with them, but who can ever know for sure?

D. said, "You need a nap." Yep, I sure did. So she said, "Go, then. Nap." I went to sleep in their guest room and slept from 3:45 until 6:00 p.m., when they knocked to make sure I hadn't died. Or moved in.

We had dinner and I left by 7:15. What a great guest! Can I come take a nap at YOUR house?

You Think You've Got Problems

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 01:41:00 +0000

It's not that I'm competitive or anything ... well, okay, yes I am. But when Dale of Passion of the Dale wrote a comment on my Call Me!! I'm Busy!! post immediately below:

My mother never listens to anything I say but says mm hmm and then goes back to the list of people I don't know who have died lately and then says 'okay, bye' and hangs up...

I thought, he doesn't know. He just DOESN'T KNOW. Oh sure, he's knows a little, but wait. Just wait.

Mama Zed also speaks about strangers (to me) who have died, people whom I have never known, and who obviously I never WILL KNOW. Her conversations about the living can sometimes be even worse:

The Saga of Willy, John, and What's 'er Name

Mama Zed: I was talking with my friend Kathy this afternoon and she told me that her grandson Willy got in trouble in school.

Me: Uh-huh.

Mama Zed: You know Willy, right? That's John's son.

Me: I don't know John and I don't know Willy.

Mama Zed: You don't? How can that be?

Me: No, ma. Why would I know them? I live HERE and you live THERE. YOU know them.

Mama Zed: John and Willy? They're Kathy's son and grandson. They live in Atlanta, Georgia.

Me: Uh-huh. So what about them? (Why do I ask this? Why?)

Mama Zed: Willy got in trouble in school.

Me: HOW? (My nerves!)

Mama Zed: His pants were hanging too low. They were too big. I guess that's what the boys are wearing. And he was thrown out of school and sent home.

Me: Yep, that happens.

Mama Zed: And his mother was furious! You know her, right? That's Kathy's son's John's wife. You met her last year, didn't you? She's tall, attractive, a little overweight. What's her name again? Joanne? Janet? Judy?

Me: Mom, I never met her.

Mama Zed: Sure you did. She comes from Atlanta. Or is it Savannah, and she drives this really cute car. It's a Sabarku?

Me: A Sabarku? You mean a Subaru?

Mama Zed: A Sabarku, a rich dark blue. You owned one of those, didn't you?

Me: A Sabarku? Yes, a long time ago. That's nice ...

Mama Zed: And she works in a law office as a legal aide. She's got a good job and get's 4 weeks' vacation. But she has to work so many hours. She's always working and working! Just like you! I told Kathy that she works far too much. She never has time for her family. Her sister's a nun. What was her sister's name again? Maria? Martina? I forget.

Me: Uh-huh. Why are we talking about John's wife?

Mama Zed: I thought you knew her.

Me: No. So, Willy was sent home and he changed his clothes and they let him back in?

Mama Zed: Yes. He's back in school now.

Me: Well THAT'S good!! (Totally manufactured non-heart-felt enthusiasm).

Mama Zed: They're a nice family. You'd like them. What was the wife's name again?

And you wonder why I don't always have time to blog.

Call Me!! I'm Busy!!

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 01:45:00 +0000

Oh, alright. If I have to blog, I will. I've been working 16- to 18-hour days, and two days last week I fell asleep in front of my computer. How pathetic is that!?! But the good news is the work is slowing down a bit and I don't have to bore you with tidbits about biology, machining tools, or statistics. Lucky you!

Mama Zed complains nonstop when I'm busy with work and I don't call her enough in Florida. So I made a promise to myself to call her every single day this week. However, each day I called, she couldn't talk because she was "busy," but would call me back in 5 minutes when she was "free."

Her excuses??

Day 1: I can't talk. I'm eating ice cream. Let me call you back.
Day 2: I can't talk. I'm hanging out the wash. Let me call you back.
Day 3: I can't talk. I'm watching Dancing with the Stars. Let me call you back.
Day 4: I can't talk. Marie stopped by for coffee and some cookies. Let me call you back.
Day 5: I can't talk. I'm on my way to Winner's World (a casino). Let me call you back.
Day 6: I can't talk. I just sat down to dinner. Let me call you back.
Day 7: I can't talk. I'm on my way to the cemetery to visit your father and sister. Let me call you back.

Okay, first I like to say, what's the problem with being on the phone while you eat ice cream? Huh? Second, everyone knows Dancing with the Stars is garbage this year. And as for Day 7, I would guess that Dad and Carole can wait for us to have a 2-minute phone call--don't you? They are no longer living.

One-Day Freedom

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 05:08:00 +0000

Tons of work and constant attention to the Britney Spears
downward spiral/custody loss/heading-to-the-cuckoo-bin fiasco
has led to a state of combined boredom and stress.
I'm boring myself to death in a stressful way! :)
Enough already! May TMZ, Perez Hilton, and X17 fall on extremely bad times ...

So tomorrow, my first day off in 3 weeks (including weekends),
I'm going to go to
(1) Target, (2) lunch with a friend, (3) the bank and post office.
Do I live an exciting life or what?!!

Any suggestions to make it a memorable day?

Make it good, because I'm heading back to work on Saturday. Please help!

Thanks! <--An exclamation point! <--ooh, another! <--ad infinitum!

Addictions

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:33:00 +0000

My top-ten current addictions include the following:

1. Coca-Cola (regular)

2. The Britney Spears fiasco (loss of children/downward spiral)

3. The Ellen DeGeneres Show

4. Sleeping late/staying up late

5. Home-made pasta

6. D-Listed.com

7. Sudoku (I can't stop! Even the advanced ones! Betty-Ford-Clinic addicted!)

8. Snuggling with Frankie & Johnny (my tuxedo cats)

9. Driving in my Toyota Scion with music blasting

10. My computer (I can't step away. Why can't I step away?!!)

If you've got addictions, what are they? I bet they're better more fascinating than mine. :)

Cancel the Memorial Service

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 03:32:00 +0000

You can call off the Memorial service and send the professional mourners home. I didn't die.

The Zicam kicked in, working in conjunction with Listerine (my breath was more than superb, thank you!!), and one 1/3 dose of Nyquil.

Another night I had cognac latte (I learned about that one during one of my living-in-Europe episodes) and put on three blankets to try to sweat out the cold.

Twenty years ago I walked into a hospital in Rome with the worst bronchitis ever and said, "I need help, I'm dying." Yes, that was dumb to say; but it got their attention. A young doctor took me on the side, listened with his stethoscope to my wheezing, whiny breathing and turned to make some notes on paper. He opened a cabinet, took several bottles of medication out and handed them to me, saying, "Here take these." He also told me, "If you want to get well quicker, go to the liquor store and buy some cognac and put a good amount into hot milk. Drink this several times a day, and you will be well by the end of the week."

It worked without my ever having to take the meds. Who knew?

And under socialized medicine, I didn't have to pay a dime for the meds, doctor's time, or the advice.

Glad to be back! Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Seeking a Remedy ...

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 14:07:00 +0000

I've been super-stressed. And so, of course, I now have a heavy-duty cold. Ker-choooooooo!

Sorry. I'll be back soon. I hope you are all well!

Anyone have any good cold remedies? List 'em please! Thank you!

Men in Planes

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 13:59:00 +0000

Another episode of "Men and Their Toys" ...

Click HERE.

Collation

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 04:38:00 +0000

My apologies for not posting for two days, but I've been busy working on books about machinery and machinery systems (captivatingly zzzzz) , acting (I think I'll become an actress; I could win an Academy Award! I've still got my speech ready...), teaching and classroom diversity (another zzzzz), and other fascinating topics.

I even have a book coming up about collation. How much is there to say about collation? Do they mean, like, the collating of papers that come out of a desktop printer? Probably not. I'm worried it's about this:

But one must pay the monthly maintenance, so I take whatever work I'm given. I can stop TOMORROW if you people would just get together and pay my maintenance for me. Sheesh, what's the problem?!

Oh Really ... ?!!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 02:33:00 +0000

See these? !!!!!!! I'm quite addicted to using them. I mean, it's not as if I'm addicted to some DRUG or ALCOHOL or something. Using exclamation points is a harmless exercise in studied enthusiasm and an expression of urgency. Or so I thought.

Last week I asked a neighbor if I could use her fax machine since mine was broken. BIG MISTAKE. The first attempt failed. So she took my cover sheet and an invoice I was sending to a textbook editor and she shuffled the pages. In shuffling them, she noticed several !! on my handwritten cover sheet: "Hi Sue, did you ever get a chance to send me the manuscript for that computer book you asked me to edit for you? I really need it soon in order to complete this job on time! Could you please send it asap? Thanks so much!! Zed"

Neighbor: I wouldn't leave those exclamation points in there.
Me: Why?
Neighbor: Because that's rude. It's as if you're yelling at her. Why would you want to yell at her?
Me: I'm not yelling at her. I know this woman for 15 years--we're friends. We write to each other like this all the time ...
Neighbor: Well, when I receive a note like this at work, with all those marks on it, I rip it up. I don't even read it. I'm not going to put up with that--I don't want to be spoken to in that manner.
Me: What manner?
Neighbor: Rudely. It's as if you're yelling at her. I'd just rip it up!

See that last exclamation point attached to the neighbor's final comment? I added that just to be obnoxious.

Here are some more, lady:

!!!!!

Post Cards from the Tri-State

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 19:25:00 +0000

Sushiboy asked me to bring back a postcard from the post office. I brought back three 'cause I'm just like that. Accommodating.

Here you go, one from each state in the NY Tristate:

Mystic, Connecticut

Ellis Island, looking toward Manhattan, circa 1999. It looks older than that to me! In fact this photo looks about 30 years old, doesn't it? With hand-painted color?

The Pulaski Skyway, New Jersey (near Newark)

I'm including this postcard instead of a beautiful one for the fine state of New Jersey because the powers that be just figured out that this humongous bridge was built using the same exact method employed to construct the bridge that collapsed in Minnesota. They now plan to rebuild the Pulaski Skyway over the course of 20 years. Sounds like fun for all.

There you go, Sushiboy. I aim to please!

Post Office Run

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 15:19:00 +0000

I'm running to the post office. Do you need anything while I'm there?

My Preachin' Post--Amen!

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 14:31:00 +0000

This morning this big black ominous cloud hung over the Hudson River and I thought, "This could be it--the end of me." I started planning my demise--it was THAT ominous. :)

So I made breakfast (leftover pizza, I'm that pathetic), and by the time I was done eating, the big black ominous cloud was gone and the sun was shining.

Made me think of how we often view life. Sometimes it hits us with big black ominous clouds and we don't think we'll ever get out from under them. And we grumble, and complain, and feel oppressed and sorry for ourselves. But somehow, miraculously, when we look out the window again, the cloud has lifted, the sun's shining, and life is good again. Amen to that!

Done preachin'. Strike up the choir!

Name the Sport

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 15:23:00 +0000

I'm working on a sports book. I'm snoring. It's not about the greatest or most famous of sports, such as baseball, football, or basketball. No, it's about ANOTHER sport. Can you guess what it is?

The winner gets ... NOTHING. Because I'd have to get dressed, put on makeup, go down many floors to the parking garage, BUY the prize, drive to the post office and PAY to send whatever the prize is to you. Is your dumb one-word answer really worth all that aggravation? I say no.

What sport is the book about? Betcha can't guess.

Phrases to Kill By (Again)

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 15:00:00 +0000

Today's Phrases to Kill By include some of the hippest phrases in use today. I hate 'em.

Peace out. What does this even mean? If you want to bring about peace in your life, shouldn't the phrase be Peace IN? (Think about it. This is very deep.) Or do you mean Piece Out, as in "Please take that gun out of the building"? (I live in the NYC Tri-State, we know about these things.)

Step up to the plate What plate? Do you SEE a plate? I don't see a plate! And if there's a plate involved, does it have food on it? Because, I have no food left as well as almost no underwear (see post below), and to be honest, I'm HUNGRY.

Bling bling Shouldn't the correct phrase be "Ring Ring", "Necklace Necklace" or "Rolex Rolex"?

Keep it real, yo/keeping it real To be perfectly HONEST, I'd like to tell the person who invented this phrase: How about you just buzz off? Keep it real some place else. Honest enough for you?

Can you do me a favor? Actually, no. I can't. I'm busy washing underwear today (see post below). Hey, can you do ME a favor? Do my laundry for me, and then buzz off (see phrase Keep It Real, Yo/Keeping It Real)

Holla Don't yell at me!! Oh, it doesn't mean that? Okay. Hello?

When push comes to shove Don't shove my push or I'm calling the cops! We're not into violence around here.

Think outside the box What box? I only own shopping bags.

TMI (Too Much Information)

noreply@blogger.com (Zed) — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 14:08:00 +0000

I'm 3 pairs short of being out of clean underwear , so I won't be around very much today due to laundry and other neglected responsibilities. (Was the almost-running-out-of-underwear thing just a little too much information for you?)

Oh, one other thing. My right hand is extremely, extremely itchy, and has been all morning. Does this mean I'm coming into millions $$$$ today? I'll share! I promise, I'll share!