Monday, February 28, 2011

Bad Singers

A friend swears that she was asked to perform in an opera as well as in a Broadway play because of her great singing voice.

I'd never heard her sing before, until recently, during American Idol, which I watch frequently enough with her and her husband. I cannot state it any more emphatically: The woman cannot carry a tune and is completely and totally tone deaf. T-o-n-e  d-e-a-f.

I'm staying home this week. I can watch AI on my own television.

And the worst singers always sing the loudest. Apparently, it's the law.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Could be ...

I'm going to post again. Honest. Just not today.

It's possible I'll post tomorrow, but if it's sunny, I won't be home tomorrow. So try me Monday. Yes, definitely Monday I'll post. Or Tuesday. But maybe tomorrow.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Getting the Crankiness Out



Take a hike!  

                                           Buzz off!

Wow, I was feeling particularly cranky today before I posted that. ... Thanks, everyone! 

Normal blogging will return to this page tomorrow February 16, or maybe not.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Stupidity at Its Finest

I have no words. None.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Ringy-Dingy at the Gigantic Infrastructure and Waste of Everyone's Time Corporation

Yesterday I called my former employer (Gigantic Infrastructure and Waste of Everyone's Time Corporation), and a recorded message said: If you know the name of the person you are trying to reach, please press 596279 NOW. Otherwise, please stay on the line. Fine. I knew the name of the person I was trying to reach, so I dialed 596279. 

Another recording now said: If you know the name of the person you are trying to reach, please enter it NOW, beginning with the last name and followed by the first few letters of the person's first name, followed by the pound (#) sign. For names containing a Z, please use the 9 key. 

All of our extensions are now preceded by a three-digit code. If the number you previously called was, for example, extension 3549, you must now add 493 before the 3549 extension. You would dial 493-3549 to connect with the person you are trying to reach. Please make a note of the extension prefix for your records, since notice of this addition to our phone system will be removed from this message by June 18, 2011. The number 493 must still used, but callers will no longer notified through this message that it is required. 

Wow, this phone call was getting rough! So much pressure! I spelled out the person's last name using the numeric pad, but a recording said: There is no such name in our database. Please try again. 

OK, it's possible I misdialed. I entering the name again very slowly and carefully. Again, the recording said: There is no such name in our database. Please try again. 

I got through finally and of course the call went directly to voice mail. Since I was already connected to the company, I thought I'd call the personnel department with a question about benefits, but apparently the phone system does not allow someone to reach specific departments, only specific p-e-o-p-l-e. Great. I was told: If you do NOT know the name or extension of the person you are trying to reach, please press 596280 or hold the line for an operator.  

Well, there was no point in holding the line for an operator since I know for a fact that this company doesn't HAVE an operator, and haven't had one since the recession started. They only have this stupid non-human-being electronic telephone system. Further, I couldn't even imagine the point of pressing 596280 again. So, I pressed 596280. Again. The recording said: You have reached the end of this message. If you were unable to speak with the party you were trying to reach, please try calling back again later.

And it was at this point the Gigantic Infrastructure and Waste of Everyone's Time Corporation hung up on me. THEY hung up on ME. Oh, the injustice ...

Saturday, February 05, 2011

A Grumbling Request

 And make it Cabernet Sauvignon, please.

Friday, February 04, 2011

The Triangular, Four-Sided, Pointy-Top Scheme

A while back, I attended a meeting concerning the building of a home-based business–well, actually, it turned out to be a meeting for the building of a pyramid scheme. 

At the end of a long, droning, boring, Gantt chart presentation, I asked one of the presenters for written material about how the company works and how someone actually makes money beyond the people at the top of that thing they had drawn on the chalkboard that sure looked like a "pyramid," but that they refused to call a "pyramid." 

They told me no, they couldn’t give me any written material on the "we're-not-a-pyramid" operation because I might share it with someone and that person might not "understand properly how the company worked." Yeah, that person might think it’s a pyramid scheme. 

After that, I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. However, they were just as happy to see me go because I had dared to question how this pyramid-scheme-they-refused-to-call-a-pyramid-scheme works. In fact, once I asked that question of them, they literally turned away from me, crossed the room, and put all of their attention into some poor soul who had driven in all the way from Staten Island and who, at the end of the meeting, said, "Well, how would I get involved?" Uh-oh; mistake. What was this Staten Island guy (SIG) thinking!?

With that, the two presenters, one male and one female, descended on this SIG like birds of prey, sitting on each side of him, smiling, almost cheek to cheek, ready to get him to sign up. The woman presenter kept touching his arm and smiling seductively, leaning forward in such a way that her bosom was just inches from his face. The male pyramid scheme guy just kept talking in circles, round and round, saying not much of anything except to insist the SIG would eventually earn a lot of money and eventually just sit back and collect profits on the efforts of everyone else. Right. Probably not.

All I could think was, yeah, let's everyone buy $300 of this company's products to get started, spend hours of precious time selling the products, get nothing in return for years, pay $100 for the privilege of becoming a distributor, and maintain and continually reinvest in a $250 inventory. 

Here, let us give you this MONEY so we can SELL your products for you. Hey, show me where to sign up!

As I grabbed my bag and said a quick goodnight (the presenters never even looked at me as I left), I heard the SIG ask for a pen to "sign up." Sad. Even now, a few years later, I think of him and how he'd been taken, as many have before him. Sad. Welcome aboard the "triangular, four-sided, pointy-top scheme" train. We're going for a ride!
Visit Egypt if you must (well not right now), but don't invest in companies using this scheme.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

The Toaster Oven from Spookyville

All of these years, I have been the only human on Earth who doesn't own a toaster oven (well, me and the Amish). But I went to Target last week and got myself a neat-o model.

After a few days I noticed the lettering on the front right corner of the oven window that says something like, "If a fire should erupt, keep the oven door closed and pull out the plug."
Not my model, but close. Very close.

Things go on fire in there? Really? So now I stand and watch everything I cook. If it takes 20 minutes, I’m standing there staring at the oven for 20 minutes, or I pull up a chair and stare. I’m glued to the front of the toaster oven and try not to blink.

And it makes inexplicable, ear-piercing clanging noises as if it’s possessed. Loud, clanging sounds, like a ghost wearing heavy chains and dragging its feet. I’m surprised it doesn’t cry out "Mary! Mary!" or "Boo!"or "Is Jack Nicholson available if they turn this into a movie?" 

It’s the toaster oven from the town of Spookyville, but it's mine and I'm loving it. I’m in the twenty-first century now, baby. Next I might buy a blender. Yes, a blender.